She Just Wants to Forget by R.H. Sin (Notes)

◆ she just wants to forget

▪ I think this is when she actually entered my life. This would be the moment that would change everything. “It’s crazy how sometimes you have to be destroyed to be made anew,” she said. “Everything happens for a reason, just like this moment. I do believe that what you’re dealing with will pass,” I responded.

And so, I wrote this for her, for you because you are worth it.

▪ scene thirty-nine.

I wrote this for the woman in search of a reminder of who she’s always been. A reminder of who she was before the heartache, before the madness. I wrote this for the woman who has seen a large share of heartbreak, the woman who finds herself tired of being strong, tired of standing in the middle of the storm. I wrote this for the woman who continues to demand more even in the eyes of those who would rather do less. I wrote this for her because she … you … deserve it. You have been through so much and yet you continue to hold your head high, and though you’ve been constantly disappointed, you find new and rare ways to hold on to this sort of hope that feels more like magic. You are powerful even in moments where weakness chases you. You are mighty even though your struggles stand like giants in the doorway of your happiness. I wrote this for you because you are a remarkable woman. 

There’s a light that lives within you that could rival the sun and a glow in your eyes that could distract from the moon on its darkest night. You, this remarkable and rare occurrence, unlike anything most have ever seen. You, this beautiful wonder, a muse to artists and writers like me. Living loud when the world wishes to silence the melody that has been cradled in your heart. Unapologetic with the intention of being greater than the world would have you be. I wrote this for you in hopes of encouraging you to continue toward everything you truly deserve. I wrote these words for the woman in search of a reminder of who she’s always been.

This is specifically for the woman who feels stuck. I wrote these words for the woman who is tired of fighting for someone who only wants to fight her. Every letter here was meant to form words that will speak to the strong women who are tired of wasting their energy, choosing someone who never chooses them. I wrote this for her, for you. I wrote this for the woman who is looking for a sign. I wrote these sentences for the woman who no longer knows what she wants to do or maybe she’s decided to stay even though she knows leaving will save her soul. That woman is you and she is tired of the confusion and the delusion and of living in a horrific illusion. The truth is, you’re just that powerful. You’re just that strong. You have the ability to hold on even when it hurts. You’re tired of loving someone who refuses to acknowledge your worth. It’s not easy, I know, but in order to grow closer to what you deserve, you’ll need to walk away from the person who no longer deserves you. I wrote this because you’re ready to read it and I hope these words encourage you to move on.

▪ scene forty.

There’s something about the day that seems longer than usual whenever you’re dealing with sadness and or fighting through a struggle that would appear not meant for you to survive. It’s days like this where you feel the most tested, tired from the night before. Weary from the evenings of no rest, lying in bed staring at the ceiling in hopes of finding sleep. Incapable of putting your mind to peace, you tumble through the night as if your eyes were closed and your hands were tied as you attempt to navigate down a hill of problems. The night bleeds into the morning sky and your eyes go from dancing around the stars to witnessing the moon vanish to make way for the sun. 

There’s something about the day that seems a bit harder than the rest. You’ve been trying your best to ignore it all but you fall flat on your face without warning and no one is there to witness this. No one is there to lend a helping hand but somehow you end up reaching for yourself because it’s always been that way, hasn’t it? You’ve been all you’ve had since the beginning. Your parents weren’t much help, your struggles began early on and here you are as a result of everything that has happened to you. Here you are today in this moment, struggling through all the things that you have no control over. Your father, inconsistent. His hands barely there to protect you, his hands barely there to shield you and so you had to learn about wolves on your own. He was never present enough and somehow that led you to entertaining relationships with men who were just as inconsistent as he’s always been. Your mother dropped the ball on informing you of what being a woman would mean. She fell short of teaching you those lessons and so you found yourself rogue on any mission that would hopefully lead you to some sort of understanding of yourself. The teachers of your lessons were devils pretending that they could provide some sense of heaven and you believed it because you grew weary of experiencing hell. You wanted something different and so you listened because what they said was the opposite of what you knew but you didn’t know that they would simply do the opposite of what they promised. Honestly, you figured them out to be liars but even then you held on to this hope that one day their words would somehow catch up to their actions. It never does, though, and moving on is so slow. You feel it in your heart and even worse in your soul. All of this because your parents refused to let you know that you yourself are way too valuable to be dealing with some guy with some nerves with mostly pain in his words that sound like love at first. You feel it to your core, all because your parents refused to teach you and so these men would eventually teach you that you are unworthy of everything you actually deserve. All because your parents refused to teach you and so these men would eventually teach you to settle because what you’re looking for shouldn’t have been looked for.

▪ scene forty-one.

It was never hard to tell; I think deep down she always knew that there was something going on. Even if you decided to say nothing, even when you thought you were so skilled at hiding whatever it was. Deep down, she always knew and yet she decided to say nothing. She decided to say nothing because maybe the truth was something she wasn’t ready to face. Maybe she knew that coming to terms with what she’d discover would force her to do everything that she was avoiding all along. They say everything done in the darkness will somehow find it’s moment in the light and this is exactly what happened even when you don’t know that it has. Even when you think that for some odd reason you’ll never be found out. She knows, she knows, she knows and she’ll say nothing for now because right now the lies ironically feel a bit safer. As strange as it may be, the lies you told, the lies she chose to believe have prevented her from facing a horrible truth. She knows and one day when she’s ready, she’ll move forward from you …

▪ scene forty-two.

She was tired but she was powerful. She loved you and yet it was never enough because you were never enough for her. She was weary and yet she continued to move, refusing to stand still. Realizing that standing next to you would ruin the opportunity to go after the things that would otherwise bring her peace. She represented something so grand, something so special. Something so rare and still you decided to treat her as if her everything was nothing and so she began the process of cleansing herself of what she initially felt for you. The woman you chose to overlook and neglect decided to love herself rather than continue falling for someone who would never catch her.

scene forty-three.

I think there’s this part of you that remains hidden. There’s a side of you that most people rarely see. You’ve buried that part of you deep like roots beneath trees, undiscovered by those who were never willing to search for you. There’s way too much depth in your soul and those too lazy to explore your extra layers have all come up short and you willingly allow it, you don’t bother to tell them that there’s more because you know that not everyone deserves all of which you have to offer. You’ve hidden so much because you’re tired of the betrayal that follows behind those who don’t deserve passage upon your heart’s bridge. So much of you left to be discovered by someone who doesn’t have to be told where to go. Someone who knows what to do and how to treat you without hurting you in the process. I think there’s this part of you that will mean the world to the right person, but until then, you will always mean the world to yourself and there is nothing wrong with protecting your light from those who will only represent darkness.

Hello, my name is Reuben but you know me as r.h. Sin and while I have your attention here in this moment, I just wanted to take this time to apologize to you on behalf of anyone who has ever hurt your soul. I’m well aware that you may not have gotten any closure or clarity from all those failed relationships and people who have constantly taken you for granted but I wanted to say sorry because even though we’re strangers and we’ve never crossed paths, I believe here and now that you deserve so much more than what you’ve had in the past. I believe in you and your ability to love without condition and while it feels like a curse, it’s truly a gift that belongs to you. A gift that will one day be appreciated by the one who is willing to match everything you’ll provide. I want to apologize to you but at the same time I’d like to remind you that you are amazing, you are someone worth getting to know and I am grateful for the opportunity to speak with you here and now, in this moment.

▪ scene forty-two.

She was tired but she was powerful. She loved you and yet it was never enough because you were never enough for her. She was weary and yet she continued to move, refusing to stand still. Realizing that standing next to you would ruin the opportunity to go after the things that would otherwise bring her peace. She represented something so grand, something so special. Something so rare and still you decided to treat her as if her everything was nothing and so she began the process of cleansing herself of what she initially felt for you. The woman you chose to overlook and neglect decided to love herself rather than continue falling for someone who would never catch her.

scene forty-three.

▪ your sister III.

You allowed her into our home without giving it a second thought. I must admit I had my reservations but who am I to stand between family, who am I to prevent you from acting on your heart? I fell in love with you because of the kindness that dwells in your soul and so we became her temporary home. She and her child, your nephew, my nephew too. We allowed her into our home with ease and so it pains me to think about how far she’s gone to alienate you and me as if we did nothing to help. I thought sisters were supposed to move in love, I thought older sisters were supposed to be protective, supportive and loving. I thought more of her, I believed in her, and my mistake was thinking that she had the same heart as you. I was wrong … we were wrong, but life goes on I guess.

▪ family & friends?

They always want to bring up your mistakes as if you’ve done nothing right. It’s like no one’s there until you fuck up, it’s like no one cares until there’s a moment provided for them to point a finger at you as if you’re the only one to blame. Insane to think that your accomplishments will often go ignored by the very people who should be proud of you for being more than they’re willing to give you credit for. There’s this concept of family and friends that isn’t always true and sometimes those relationships fail to live up to what they’re defined to be. You are special even when they choose not to acknowledge it. You have a good heart, no matter what they think. You’ve done an amazing job at being you and learning more about yourself without the guidance of those who were supposed to hold your hand through the storm and you’ve grown because of it. You are stronger because of this. So when others aim low in your direction, rise above their jealousy and negativity, high enough to where they will never be able to reach you because anyone who prefers to focus on your lows instead of your peaks has no place in your life.

◆ she just wants to forget

▪ exit to the left.

What are you running from? What truth lies beneath the spine of your book? What have you been concealing with that smile? Where do you go when you need to go so far that you can get away from the pain and the struggle of realizing that none of this will ever be easy to escape? The darkness drapes itself over your heart and you can’t help but crave a light that’ll show you the way toward something better. Your feet are tired from walking in circles of hope invested in people filled with the wrong type of energy. People who say just enough to make you stay, just enough to make you feel like walking away will somehow push you further into the darkness even though you’ve already experienced the worst part. What are you running from? Who are you trying to escape? Where do you go when going away is possibly the only thing you have left?

▪ she listened with ears

like wolves

unafraid of the sound

of the footsteps 

from those who would come

to try and break her down

▪ her silence was loud

you could hear everything

she wasn’t saying

you could see the words

in her eyes

she spelled it all out

with a look

▪ the tears will flow heavily 

as if almost to drown you

the sadness will overrun

your soul

and take captive of your mind

there will be moments

where you feel like quitting

there will be days

where it all feels like too much

there will be nights

where sleep will escape you

and waking up the next morning

will be the hardest thing

you’ll ever have to do

but no matter what storm may come

you will always survive

because you are more powerful

than anything that arrives to break you

if all you ever have is yourself

then you

will save you

and that, in fact,

is enough 

scene fo

▪ There’s a lot going on with you, so much has changed this year and yet so much of it feels the same. You made promises to yourself that have gotten harder to keep. You’ve been going through so much but you’ve held it all together and in this very moment you wonder how long you’ll be able to withstand all of the things that stand in your way of peace. I can’t begin to fully understand what you’re truly going through, I won’t pretend to comprehend all of your daily struggles but I can tell you this. There is beauty waiting behind the curtain. There is an honest assortment of peacefulness living beyond the barriers and there is happiness awaiting you after the storm. Just a little bit longer now and you’ll be where you’re supposed to be and you’ll feel what you deserve to feel. Please, hold on.

▪ there is something beautiful

that lives in the heart

of the girl with the broken smile

there is something beautiful 

living inside

of the woman who seems broken

and i just want to find it

i just want to find her truth

 

▪ there is something about you

that most people will never appreciate

but you must learn to love yourself

even when others can’t

▪ guard your candle

not everyone you meet

deserves your light

▪ the way women 

can withstand

several storms

all at once 

is something

to be inspired by

▪ scene forty-five.

You’re always giving but who gives to you? You’re always fighting for someone but who fights for you? How is it that you’ve gone so long constantly trying for someone who refuses to try just as much as you do? Who taught you to settle? Was it a parent? Was it your father or mother? You learned to tolerate bullshit so young and so you grow older to seek after more of that. Entertaining relationships that come with dead ends. Falling in love with people who will never catch you. It’s time for you to be the recipient of everything you’ve wasted on people who could never live up to the things they promised. It’s your turn to know how it feels to be with someone who would do anything to keep you

▪ scene forty-six.

None of it makes sense, none of this adds up. You’re unsure because they’re uncertain. You’re confused because they seem to be unsure about you and you choose to do more of what seems to not be working. You decide to give more even though you know you shouldn’t. Maybe your heart is too big to just throw in the towel. Maybe your soul feels like it’ll be giving up too much, even though you’ve already given up way too much of yourself. It’s possible that their confusion has fooled you into believing that someday they’ll change but maybe the love you deserve is just something they were never willing to give you. Maybe this was all a lie from the beginning. A lie that you chose to believe in because it resembled everything you never had before. I think your family set you up. I think your father failed you or maybe your mother did. Maybe you’re lacking this ability to believe that you deserve more than you’ve settled for because your parents failed at teaching you self-confidence, self-awareness, love and peace. It’s possible that you missed that lesson on what love actually was and so you’ve found yourself on a path that leads to everything it isn’t.

Listen to what I’m saying. Use your eyes like ears to hear this truthful melody. Consume every word as if it were food for your soul or a life force for your heart. Understand each word like your life depended on it because your life does depend on your ability to walk away from people who refuse to give you reasons to stay. You may not have gotten the proper education in terms of love and it’s true meaning but I believe that you are smart enough and strong enough to survive the aftermath of leaving behind the people you believed loved you. I believe in your ability to let go just as you’ve believed in their lies long enough to hold on. None of it makes sense, none of it adds up. The love they claim to have for you just makes you feel empty and maybe it’s time for you to fill yourself up with your own love. Maybe it’s time for you to walk away just to get closer to yourself. You have to know that you mean something, you have to realize that something good is waiting for you behind all the people who have chosen to waste your time but you just have to learn to look past them in order to see more of what you truly deserve.

scene forty-seven.

You’re strong and this has meant that you are always there for others but no one is truly there for you in the ways that you’ve made yourself available to them. You don’t even take it personal, you’ve learned how to navigate through the issues that have plagued your life on your own. You don’t really seek the same type of attention from others because you’re not even sure if anyone could even do what you do because, in fact, not everyone has a heart the size of yours. Not everyone is as selfless as you are, not everyone holds this ability to care for others even when others are rarely there to care for them and just like you, I relate. My own words resonate deeply with the both of us, you and I. This is how I know that you’re not truly alone because I feel the same way as you do. 

I feel it even more when the days get longer and the night is too uncomfortable for sleep. I feel it as well when the heart wants someone to care for it but the mind understands and registers the fact that most people don’t give a fuck or they don’t care as much as you do … as much as we do but I won’t lose hope for you. I won’t lose hope for us. I still believe that there is someone who will match your ability to care for them. I still believe that there is someone who will be present every time you need them but most importantly, I still and will always believe in you.

▪ scene forty-six.

None of it makes sense, none of this adds up. You’re unsure because they’re uncertain. You’re confused because they seem to be unsure about you and you choose to do more of what seems to not be working. You decide to give more even though you know you shouldn’t. Maybe your heart is too big to just throw in the towel. Maybe your soul feels like it’ll be giving up too much, even though you’ve already given up way too much of yourself. It’s possible that their confusion has fooled you into believing that someday they’ll change but maybe the love you deserve is just something they were never willing to give you. Maybe this was all a lie from the beginning. A lie that you chose to believe in because it resembled everything you never had before. I think your family set you up. I think your father failed you or maybe your mother did. Maybe you’re lacking this ability to believe that you deserve more than you’ve settled for because your parents failed at teaching you self-confidence, self-awareness, love and peace. It’s possible that you missed that lesson on what love actually was and so you’ve found yourself on a path that leads to everything it isn’t.

Listen to what I’m saying. Use your eyes like ears to hear this truthful melody. Consume every word as if it were food for your soul or a life force for your heart. Understand each word like your life depended on it because your life does depend on your ability to walk away from people who refuse to give you reasons to stay. You may not have gotten the proper education in terms of love and it’s true meaning but I believe that you are smart enough and strong enough to survive the aftermath of leaving behind the people you believed loved you. I believe in your ability to let go just as you’ve believed in their lies long enough to hold on. None of it makes sense, none of it adds up. The love they claim to have for you just makes you feel empty and maybe it’s time for you to fill yourself up with your own love. Maybe it’s time for you to walk away just to get closer to yourself. You have to know that you mean something, you have to realize that something good is waiting for you behind all the people who have chosen to waste your time but you just have to learn to look past them in order to see more of what you truly deserve.

▪ scene forty-eight.

people rarely hear you

you’re so used to being ignored

neglected, disrespected

and overlooked entirely 

there’s this weariness 

in your eyes and it shows

whenever you stare off

into the night sky

trying to withstand it all

refusing to fall

even as your knees

give way to loads of heartache 

you press on and press forward

without taking a break

running along the lines of giving in

without taking a breath 

how much longer can you survive

how much further will you go

these questions tap dance

on your mind’s floor

your brain feels it

like a blow to the head

but this blow to your heart

can render all hope dead

you say things with your silence

but people rarely comprehend it 

you’re so used to being ignored

and so you say nothing

in hopes of avoiding the disappointment

that still comes for you

like the flu during the winter

there are scars, so many scars

seemingly sketched across your skin

scars like painful stories

that you avoid telling

in hopes of appearing fine

but your eyes are saying 

something different 

your eyes are shouting something

and most people don’t know

what you’re saying or what it means

you move forward

as if that is the only direction to go

you move forward

when most individuals would stop moving

at all and at most, all hope has been lost

but you carry on anyway 

they rarely hear you

they rarely care

but you never give up

and that itself 

is the most powerful thing

you could ever do

▪ I am writing this purely out of this random thought that I had about you. Yes you, the aching soul that has been reading these words. Your fingers resting on this page. Your heavy heart weighing you down into a pit of despair. In this moment I care, maybe more than I should. You and I, strangers, familiar with the same chaos that plagues the heart of someone willing to love people who are incapable of loving us back. The both of us strangers but drawn together in this moment like rain water to roses. The sky is a bit darker now, the streets below a bit quieter and I can’t help but think you’re reading these words in a room beside a sky that is similar to my own. Regardless of who you are, where you are, and what you’re feeling. In this moment, you’re not alone because I’m here, within these words. I’m here and I hope that helps and if it doesn’t, I believe that you will find the comfort you need, I believe that you will discover that very thing that you desire most. Whatever it is, wherever you are.

Sincerely, 

Sin

▪ new way of thinking.

Let’s create new ideas, new ways of thinking. New ways of approaching life and relationships. Can we stop encouraging women to stay with mates who aren’t worthy of their affection? Those lists in magazines that give women tips on how to maintain relationships should actually be teaching women how to let go of one that no longer makes them happy. Do these publications even realize that by providing tips in every issue for women to follow, that they’re actually making the woman out to be the issue when she really isn’t? How can these women, my sisters, my readers, my supporters, ever begin to move on toward what will help them find peace if all they’re ever encouraged to do is stay and fight and try for someone who treats their relationship like a story with no meaning? 

Let’s create new ways of thinking, new ways of approaching good relationships and unhealthy ones. Let’s explore this idea that self-love is a love that is worth chasing after and that true romance begins with self. Let us encourage women to seek more of themselves and to only entertain a relationship with someone who encourages harmony and peace. It’s hard for so many women to walk away because their minds have been flooded with ideas on how to continue showing up in relationships that feel more like prison sentences. I guess I’ve been hoping for some sort of change in the exchange of knowledge and ideas on a global scale but that hasn’t happened. This is why I wrote this and this is why I’m here speaking to you.

I know love has felt unkind but the truth is, the love you’ve come to know has never been anything more than a distraction or a wall, keeping you from seeing the real thing. I know relationships have been difficult, they weigh heavily on your heart as you struggle to move forward but those relationships were more like a version of hell that you didn’t deserve. I hope you read these words and discover a new way of thinking, a new way of approaching this idea of finding the proper mate and I want you to know that in order to do so, you have to find yourself again. You have to remember your own strength and you have to realize that a relationship doesn’t define you. Your value depends strictly on yourself and who you are as an individual, especially while single. You don’t have to rush yourself into anything that isn’t making you smile or encouraging you to feel a peace of mind, always. Who you are is not to be wrapped up into who is pursuing you. It’s not your job to keep anyone but yourself. Don’t be so hard on your own heart. Don’t be so distracted by this need to be with someone that you forget about yourself and all the things you deserve. Let’s create a new way of thinking, a new idea of a love that doesn’t have to hurt.

▪ Who are you exactly? You are the nothing that I forced into something. A someone who made me feel like a nobody. You wrapped your pretty lies with enough words to sound like truth, telling me everything I wanted to hear. Whispering like the devil while wearing white like angels. Your words were comforting at first but they feel deadlier than ever as I sit here beside the window, re-reading your texts, playing back everything that happened the night before. How did we even get here? How did I let this happen? I lost myself! Where have I gone? And why did it end? What was I thinking? Maybe I wasn’t. My mind went blind at the sight of you and my brain surrendered its power of choice to my heart.

▪ I guess it’s hard to prepare for an end that arrives so sudden. I think it’s difficult to prepare for a death when there are moments where you feel so alive with the person you’ve fought so hard to keep. Sometimes I think you were never really mine to begin with. I feel like this was more of a dream that spoiled into a nightmare but at the same time I feel awake with my eyes closed.

▪ With an open heart, you tend to see what you want and despite all of the shit you put me through, all I ever saw was us and all I ever wanted were the things you promised me, after apologizing for doing the things you refused to stop doing. All I ever wanted was a truth you weren’t capable of telling and a love that you were never ready to provide. I get it now but I’ve come to these realizations a moment too late to spare myself from falling over into a pit of my own despair. I completely understand but that doesn’t make it hurt any less than it has. I believe I saw it coming but I decided to pay more attention to the good even though the bad was a major component in our relationship.

It always starts off the same, you know? Every relationship begins with this overall phase of bliss, trust and dependency. There are more laughs in the beginning. It’s almost as if everything is a bit funnier toward the front end of the courtship. You find yourself smiling for no damn reason and as foolish as you may look to others, you don’t care because you’ve found something worth looking foolish over.

▪ I think that’s what I was lacking, that ability to care for myself in a way that would keep me from compromising my mind and body for a relationship that would prove unworthy of my effort. If I would have cared about myself fully, I wouldn’t have sought out a love that you could never actually give me but this is what happened and this is where we are. It’s midnight and my heart is probably the same shade as the moon tonight. Bleak and pale, nearly empty of any hue that would suggest that I even know what true happiness is. Bleak and empty, without any color and all that is left is this newfound darkness that currently complicates my existence. All that remains is the nothing you left me with but for some odd reason, I know that I’ll survive this.

▪ process, letting go.

Let go of him by loving yourself more than he’s chosen to. Let go of him by realizing that you are worth more than he can ever comprehend. I guess I’m just hoping that these words will make a difference. Maybe they won’t, maybe they will … 

no matter what I’ll keep trying. Let go of him because the love you claim to have for him causes you pain. Let go of him by choosing happiness over pain and heartache. When you love yourself, giving yourself to the wrong person is something you’ll try your hardest to avoid. Let go of him and keep yourself!

hell settle.

I just hope you stop giving your time, energy, and love to someone who is committed only to their desire to hurt you. Hard to believe in a love that feels like joy when you’ve settled for a love that resembles hell.

▪ process, letting go.

Let go of him by loving yourself more than he’s chosen to. Let go of him by realizing that you are worth more than he can ever comprehend. I guess I’m just hoping that these words will make a difference. Maybe they won’t, maybe they will … 

no matter what I’ll keep trying. Let go of him because the love you claim to have for him causes you pain. Let go of him by choosing happiness over pain and heartache. When you love yourself, giving yourself to the wrong person is something you’ll try your hardest to avoid. Let go of him and keep yourself!

hell settle.

▪ there’s just something about you 

that most people will never get

your existence is written in a language 

that most of them will never comprehend

you’re a moment, you’re this memory

you’re an unforgettable event

proof of angels living on earth

you’ve always been heaven sent

▪ who will you become when you refuse to settle for less than you deserve

▪ she emerged from the darkness

like a wolf filled with lightning

▪ don’t complain about her

being cold

knowing damn well

she wasted her warmth on you

 

▪ take the pen from his hands 

and write your own ending 

he no longer fits 

in your story

 

▪ she ran barefoot through the fiery chaos 

without fear because flames can’t stop

the woman who is used to surviving

 

▪ there is a power swelling beneath your skin 

inside your bones

unleash it

▪ women are the fingerprint of strength

▪ don’t forget to love yourself

a little harder today, tonight

always

▪ scene forty-nine.

The first man she’d ever love was the first man she’d be disappointed by. His best example of what a man was would later lead her into the arms of the worst men she could ever choose and this is why I don’t blame her for choosing the type of guy whom she could never truly depend on. Her first love was her father, he taught her to settle because in order to love him, she had to put aside his worst traits. She had to ignore all of his flaws. She took a cracked canvas and painted over it in an attempt to make something beautiful. She took what little he gave her and did what she could to make it appear more than what it truly was. He taught her how to love a man and so she went on to care for men who lacked the same things her father did.

▪ all of my critics are underachievers

 

▪ aren’t you tired of drowning, reaching up for the person who is too weak, too selfish to care

▪ hell is looking over

at the person you love

and realizing that they hate

to see you happy

▪ don’t let old flames

distract you from a new fire

worth burning bright

▪ whatever he denied her of

she decided to give to herself

▪ she held her own hand

she led herself toward

the love she felt she deserved

▪ rebel against this idea

of letting him hurt your heart

rebel against the pain

he wants you to feel

make him irrelevant

by remembering that he is not a prize

and that you were always worth

fighting for

▪ it hurts in the beginning

but the end was necessary 

and one day you’ll realize

that you’ll be everything

to the right person

until then

be everything to yourself

▪ who you were before me

will never stop me from loving

the person you’ve evolved into

you are not your mistakes

you are not the brokenness

you’ve felt

▪ all in all

you deserve someone

who you can be vulnerable with

and not worry about

being hurt because of it

▪ a life.

Life doesn’t have to be so damn complicated. I think it’s important to find a flow that works for you and encourages a stable mental health. A flow that brings you joy and peace. Building a life that represents everything you think you deserve with people who deserve to be a part of your life. That’s the biggest thing, being careful about whom or what you give your energy to.

▪ give me friendship

tell me the truth always

try to understand me

especially when i open up

and let’s communicate more

give me the freedom

of being able to trust you

without doubt

and i will love you

for life

▪ in you lives

a version of beauty

too profound for words

and it doesn’t matter

who sees it in you

as long as you 

see it within yourself

▪ scene fifty.

she sat there

on the edge

of letting go

unafraid of leaping

away from everything

that caused her sadness

she sat there

on the edge

of everything

that no longer

deserved her energy

she sat there

on the edge

of moving on

and rediscovering

everything she lost

while loving 

the wrong person

she sat there

on the edge

ready to leap

toward herself

▪ scene fifty-one.

i’ve been hoping

that you weren’t too hurt

to pick yourself up

i sit here hoping

that you haven’t forgotten

your true worth

i’m here writing this

to you in hopes

that it will reach you in time

because my heart seems

to have made an investment

in someone i don’t even know

and deep down i simply hope

that you’ll read this

and realize that you are better

without the people who hurt you

▪ Sometimes she wishes she’d never met him. Those regrets linger in her soul like darkness during midnight. She’s at war with her own heart, struggling with the idea of him and the truth of his actions. He was always good at saying all the right things, he spoke of his intentions as if he was sure he’d follow through but the moment she let him in, he once more reminded her of why she’d always feared allowing someone close to her heart in the first place. In the beginning she was hopeful, similar to any start. Not knowing that this particular ending would eventually tear her apart

▪ she’s learning to leap above heartache

she’s learning to rise above the chaos

of a broken heart

▪ she is you

a maddening light

that refuses to compromise

the magic that dwells within 

you are becoming more

evolving into something greater

you are what happens

when a rose finds the perfect light

you bloom for yourself

◆ she just wants to forget

▪ 16h.

Women don’t have to be in a relationship to feel like a Queen. I believe that a woman has the ability to crown herself. To hold herself when others refuse to. Choosing herself when others don’t. Loving herself when others are incapable.

▪ 24h.

Stop trying for someone who refuses to make an effort to help you achieve a peace of mind.

Stop letting your ex distract you from being happy without them.

▪ Tomorrow didn’t come, forever was too short.

▪ Imagine playing back everything you thought was true, only to discover the deception after you had given everything to the one person who deserved nothing.

▪ self, start there.

I learned a long time ago that real love begins from within. I think my love-for-self brought me the type of relationship that resembled everything I knew I wanted and deserved. Time alone after an unhealthy relationship helped me rediscover my own self-worth. Doing more of what I loved or spending more time on myself helped me focus in on my strengths, the things I admire about myself and so much more. It also gave me a moment to self-reflect on what I should do to better myself. I think self-love is wrapped up in how we choose to evolve. I think self-love can be cultivated by simply chasing this portion of peace. A happier me meant a happier life and living good attached to the right mate. When you don’t love yourself, you’re more likely to love a person who chooses to hurt you. When you don’t love yourself, it’s hard to accept real love from the right person. I think we must do the work, we must focus on ourselves before we can ever understand or be prepared to focus on someone else. The love feels so pure when you take time to understand it outside of a relationship.

▪ you are not fabric

do not let him try you on

▪ wake up, please.

Someone told you as a little girl that when a guy is mean to you, he likes you and so you grew up thinking that their mistreatment was a confession of love when honestly it was a red flag for the pain they’d cause.

Maybe the good are invisible to you because they taught you that the bad boys were more interesting and yet interestingly enough, the bad boys are the reason for your heartache and the destruction of your peace.

▪ done all you can.

You’re this wonderful representation of love. Sure, you’re imperfect but you try your hardest for the ones you care about. Your kind heart has become familiar with heartache as you often find yourself struggling with the idea of starting over without the person you thought you needed. Things go wrong even as you try your hardest to keep it together and yet somehow you feel guilty for doing nothing more than simply demanding what you deserve. It hurts my heart to know that the woman reading this book has somehow gotten to the point where she thinks it’s all her fault and so she willingly puts up with the b.s. from the one person who no longer deserves her energy. You take them back because for some odd reason you’ve grown accustomed to the pain and disappointment and it hurts your soul because you’ve done all you can to prove that you’re worthy of someone who will never be worthy of you. I’ll be honest, even though you sometimes feel broken, even though you sometimes feel like a mess, you are allowed to be imperfect. You are allowed to be demanding. You are allowed to be upset. No one is allowed to make you feel bad for simply loving and wanting to be loved. No one is allowed to take advantage of your kindness. Don’t let the person who will never live up to the standards of love that you deserve somehow make you feel like it’s your fault for giving a damn about them. Don’t let that person make you feel like it’s your fault that things aren’t working out. Stop trying to keep a person who doesn’t deserve to stay. Stop fighting for someone who is too weak to fight for you and the relationship. Too often, the heart of a powerful woman falls into the hands of someone who is too much of a coward to even appreciate the woman who loves them. It’s not your fault that they could never live up to what they promised. Maybe this helps, maybe it won’t, but still, I’m not giving up on you.

▪ deep down, you.

Now what was I saying? Oh yeah, that’s it. It’s time to level on anyone who has treated you like shit. It’s been too long, constantly feeling like you’re not good enough for someone who refuses to be good to you. It’s time to be good to yourself. I know you’ve been reaching out to them for help but they’re not even trying. You’ve been drowning, nearly dying, but you must save yourself. You must remain defiant because deep down, even though it may not feel like it, you have the heart and the pride of several lions.

▪ you are a golden moon

in a darkened sky

you are the light that lives

without the presence of the sun

all powerful

truly divine

midnight would mean nothing

without you

▪ love can’t grow

without care on both ends

▪ enCOURAGE.

Let’s encourage women to be brave enough to walk away instead of placing heavy blame or making them feel guilty for giving up on someone who quit on them a long time ago.

 

▪ dear woman, your nature is brilliant

your existence inspires the sun 

to rise

▪ the ones we miss.

I miss you, I thought this would be easy but it isn’t and the hardest part of it all is that you don’t even give a damn about me. You left when I needed you the most, you disappeared on me when the sadness came for me and there was nothing I could do but sit up in the dark, looking toward the moon for clarity. Struggling to find my peace of mind in the dark hues of the night. If you loved me like you claimed, you’d be here. If I was the one, I’d never feel like the nothing I’ve felt while being near you. I miss you, I miss me. I lost you and lost myself.

▪ Don’t focus so much on being in a relationship. Focus more on being happy and understand that happiness can be achieved by yourself. The joy that is cultivated from within will bring you everything your heart desires. We’re so focused on getting all the things of the world and living by a certain standard that we’ve forgotten to pursue ourselves and what truly makes us happy.

▪ my mind has seen its worst days

it’s been broken in several ways

and sometimes

i feel like i have yet to find

all of its pieces

real love would never make you

compromise your mental comfort zones

and that’s the battle

finding someone who cares

about the condition of your mind

your heart, body and soul

▪ It feels like we’re running out of time or maybe I’m overreacting to you acting like you don’t give a fuck when obviously this guy has wrecked your heart so often that you allow it because you’re used to it. Saying you’ll leave but you don’t do it and I guess that bothers me. This idea of you hiding from what’s really happening in your soul, you feel so many things and yet you say nothing. You want so many things and yet you go without. You’re tough like a pack of wolves but even wolves feel pain and I just wish you’d let it out because maybe that would make it easier to kick him out of your heart.

It bothers me because you don’t even realize the power that you have and I wish you’d take ownership over your future by leaving him behind in your past. He belongs with everything that barely fits in your rearview mirror. He belongs anywhere farthest from you and it bothers me that you’ll read this and possibly let him back in where he’ll never truly fit. You’re forcing a narrative that could never end well and I just want you to be happy. What truly bothers me is that you’re reading this book, relating to all these words when honestly, I wish this didn’t resonate with you. Regardless of what you decide, I’ll be here.

▪ Loving the wrong person is like a nightmare that feels impossible to wake up from but you can’t continue to compromise your dreams for something that no longer fits into the idea of what you believe you deserve.

▪ If your loyalty isn’t appreciated, it’s okay to walk away. Loving someone means remaining by their side but there’s only so much you can do with someone who isn’t mature enough to understand your true value.

▪ Stop sacrificing yourself and your happiness for a love that requires you to feel pain.

▪ Most times when a woman has been hurt in the past, everything becomes transparent. She sees with a new version of clarity. She’s heard it all before, she’s lived it more than once. You can attempt to lie to her but she’ll always discover the truth.

▪ A woman’s pain tolerance is unmatched, her patience is legendary. She loves hard and her loyalty is remarkable.

Appreciate her more . . . 

Love and devote yourself to her more . . . 

 

▪ do not stay 

where your heart

can’t grow

never allow your loyalty

to become a form of slavery

▪ her choice.

Maybe she’s single by choice. Maybe she’s decided that after some time of being overlooked, underappreciated and neglected that she no longer wants to be placed in a situation where she feels like she’s wasting her time. Maybe she’s single because she promised herself to never settle for less than what she’s always wanted and deserves.

▪ she won’t give up on you easily

but that doesn’t mean

you should see how far

you can go with causing her pain

before she’s finally gone

▪ never rely on your tongue

when your soul is tired

and your heart is angry

you end up saying hurtful things

that you never really meant

▪ Never take a woman’s trust for granted. You’ll never truly understand how difficult it may have been for her to invest trust in you, knowing that everyone she’s ever trusted failed her at one time or another.

 

▪ One day, you’ll see. One day those apologies will hold no meaning, she’ll no longer provide you with a second chance to hurt her heart and she’ll give you nothing but silence because you will have lost the right to hear her speak. Every woman has a breaking point, every woman experiences that moment from which they believe walking away and finding themselves is the true reward.

▪ If he no longer appreciated your presence, then maybe he’ll comprehend your absence. Stop making time for someone who refuses to find time for you.

11/11/

▪ I wish he understood that every time he takes you for granted, he’s just teaching you how to live without him.

▪ Every woman has a breaking point that causes apologies to be deemed useless, a point where “love” no longer carries weight or meaning. What I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t matter how much she loves you, if you push her to that point, she’ll make up her mind to walk away.

▪ why he hides you.

Oh my generation, filled with so many lost souls. Easily influenced by the songs they hear and the movies they watch. Being taught about love from people who don’t love them. Entering relationships that are more like a personal hell, remaining in a relationship that causes their heart to go up into flames. I see so many women enter relationships with men who aren’t men enough to celebrate them but instead, they simply hide them in plain sight. If for some reason you are the woman who is tired of being hidden or kept a secret, read on . . . 

I won’t waste your time, I won’t dance around the obvious truth. I’ll instead, simply spell it out for you with as much detail as I can. He hides you because he’d much rather appear available when in all honesty, he’s technically taken by you. He’s not fully invested and it becomes apparent by his refusal to showcase his appreciation for you. It’s the same old bullshit. They’ll hit you with the being private conversation and how much they value their privacy as they continuously post some of the most private and sentimental moments in their lives via social media while conveniently leaving you out of the picture as if you don’t even exist. Now if you’re the woman who tells people that it’s just I.G. or it’s just social media and that you don’t care that you’re not important enough to be shared on his timeline, then these words aren’t for you. I’m only talking to the women who are tired of being treated as if they don’t matter. I’m only speaking to the women who are tired of being left out of picture . . . literally. I honestly think it’s sad that men have this ability to manipulate and change the narrative of what a woman wants by making her feel as if she’s asking for too much. So, I know that there will be some women who read this, pretending that they don’t care, as if that makes them appear to be strong or secure but in all honesty, it doesn’t. It actually hurts me to see or know that you’ve found yourself in a relationship with someone who would rather treat you like they’re embarrassed to be with you.

Privacy has nothing to do with keeping someone hidden. Sharing your love for someone, whether it be in a caption or a photo, doesn’t disrupt privacy and in a world where people share the most important things in their lives with the whole world via social media, how is it that you’ve accepted being left out or made to look like a ghost to their present lives? A man who hides you is hiding something that’ll eventually break your heart. Think about it . . .

▪ she was saving herself.

It was almost as if her sun no longer wanted to rise and her moon began to lose its glow. She was powerful but she was tired. She was in love but at the same time, she was in hell. Stuck in this loop of wanting to move on but struggling to let go and her heart was too heavy to carry on her own, yet somehow she did. Somehow she kept going when giving up felt like the only option. She began choosing herself in a way that no one else could and instead of continuing to fall, she’d found herself rising to new heights. Above the pain she felt, above the drama that had plagued her life. She renewed her own journey, she saved her own soul.

▪ compose your own melody

create your own song

▪ she’s evolving beyond

everything that used to

break her

▪ maybe you’re the strong one

maybe you’ve held on

because you’re strong enough

to love unconditionally

but maybe it’s time

to use your strength

to move forward

with your life

▪ I think it’s important for you to know that it’s okay to be on your own, be single. There is nothing wrong with being by yourself for awhile. Do what makes you happy even if it means walking away from someone who failed to act on their own potential of being a good partner to you. Destroy the cycle of going back to things that only provide you with reasons to walk away. You can’t pursue happiness while chasing down people who make you miserable.

▪ burn bridges without regret

burn bridges for light

to see in darkness

burn bridges and use them

as torches to light the path

to something better

▪ Love doesn’t neglect the soul or disrespect the mind or fail to protect the heart. True love doesn’t walk away whenever you say no or cause you to compromise your happiness. You keep saying you’ve been in love, well where is he now? Where is this love you claim while questioning the way he feels about

▪ 4/19/15 I.

The longer you stay in a relationship with someone who refuses to love you, the more you shorten the length of the future you’d otherwise spend with your soulmate. How much time do you have left to waste? How long are you willing to be in a relationship with someone other than your soulmate? Life is too short. We always think we have so much time until it’s too late.

▪ Doesn’t it get tiring to smile when you’re unhappy? You have found yourself falling for someone who was great at first but that image slowly faded and now you feel stuck because the person you love no longer exists but physically he’s there, so you’re left holding on to someone that feels empty, something that drains your heart. Someone who now causes you to feel empty as well. You’re not stupid, you’re human and instead of beating down your own heart for loving the wrong person, look at it like this, at least you’re strong enough to give your love to someone. In time, I hope you find the strength to let go.

 

▪ there are moments

when change

can be painful

but what hurts

the most

is being stuck in places

where you no longer

desire to roam

▪ she screamed pain

with silence

she wore heartache

with a smile

▪ now and then.

maybe my love

was far too big

a picture

to fit into

the frame 

of your life

maybe my moon

was too bright

for your nights

and maybe the words

in my book

were far too complex

for you to comprehend

i know that now

i wish i knew 

that 

then

▪ first love

doesn’t mean

a lasting love

▪ she outgrew

the person she was

in exchange for the one

she was always supposed to be

▪ stop forcing life

into the ghost

of everything

he used to be

▪ our end

was the beginning

of something better

with myself

▪ Sunday, someday.

You knew all along, you were just too afraid to accept it. Something changed and the person you thought you knew now felt unfamiliar. Maybe it was their tone of treatment, no longer soft and loving. Maybe it was the fact that you could no longer depend on them to show up whenever you needed them. The mind always knows, even while the heart takes longer to process the truth, but you knew. You always knew.

▪ done, emotionally.

She hid you in her tears for so long. All the pain you caused, the lies you told, hidden away. Locked up inside. One day she began to weep, she had finally broken down from this weight that she’d been carrying and every tear contained a memory, a piece of you as she was literally purging away all the times you caused her heart to feel miserable.

She cried because she was finished.

She cried because she was done being hurt by you.

▪ these wars.

Part of the battle has always been trying to separate the heart from the hands of someone who no longer deserves the opportunity to hold it. The journey toward everything you once were is often the hardest path to follow. There’s this fading memory of the person you used to be before you met them. There’s this translucent figure of everything you wanted to be before they entered your life. You never notice it in the beginning but the moment you fell for them, you lost the biggest part of everything you were destined to become and everything you were destined to have gets replaced with all the things you thought you needed. You soon enough discover that the love of your life becomes the hell in your life and thus, the journey to walk away begins.

▪ Self-love first. Everything begins with you. Peace and joy can both be obtained without a relationship. A relationship is supposed to enhance everything you’ve cultivated on your own.

▪ You are not obligated to stay where you are not appreciated. You are not obligated to consider someone who is inconsiderate when it comes to you. It may be hard to let go, it may be hard to move on but if you want to be happy, you’ll need to love yourself more than you love someone who acts like they hate you.

▪ Deciding to find someone to love doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself in the process. Loving the right person will never distract you from caring about yourself.

▪ she has always been art

and her life is an exhibit

of strength and courage

▪ one hope.

You represent everything that someone has been searching their entire lives for. I hope you find the person who is searching for you.

▪ still kind.

Your kindness is not a weakness, your ability to love is not a problem. Your heart has seen its fair share of disappointment and pain. Family, turning on you. Friends, toxic. Relationships that often fail to last but you must not let the sour souls of this earth spoil whatever good you have left within you. You must continue to evolve, even while others will claim you’ve changed as if there is something wrong with you for growing and wanting more out of life. You must not give them the power to dictate your future because honestly, anyone who wants to keep you back from becoming the person you’re meant to be belongs in the past and you must figure out a way to properly leave them in your rearview mirror. 

Do not let the sour souls of this earth use your kindness against you. There will be individuals who show up as distractions. Individuals who will only serve as a barrier between you and the life of love you deserve. Individuals who will only serve as lessons and examples of what not to want and who to avoid while continuing down this path called life. You must not allow them the power to keep you from the things you’ve been fighting for.

▪ only fools tell writers what to write

only a fool would believe

that they could control

the writer’s voice

they’ll carry their opinions

they’ll critique

while filled with rage

and frustration

because that fool

has no power

in the face 

or in the presence

of a writer

▪ depression, new ideas.

What if this depression I feel is somehow a gift wrapped in something society taught me to be afraid of? What if this sadness is only a symbol of how clearly I see the world and all its occupants? What if this sadness is a symbol of how well adjusted I am? I pose these lines as questions because it’s more relatable to ask questions than to make statements that don’t fit under the set standard of the world we live in as if we’re not allowed to think or see things differently and so we hide our truths behind hypotheticals. We’ve relied on the information of others for so long that we’ve drowned out our own facts and ideas. We’re a collection of people who have given strangers the power to define us against a list of things that some of us were never meant to be, keeping us from what we desire to become. Relying on a diagnoses to better explain a truth that only we ourselves are capable of understanding. 

So, what’s your prognosis, Doc? Is my ability to feel the peaks of happiness or the lows of sadness a problem? Or is it my gift, a gift you’ve denied so many of by telling them they’re sick when really they’re actually free.

▪ heart inspire.

Throughout your entire life, you’ve faced the chaos alone. You’ve supplied yourself with everything needed to survive any oncoming storm. You stand among the heavy wind, beneath the piercing of the rain. You struggle at times but you still fight. You feel like quitting but you keep going. There’s this undeniable source of power that dwells in your heart and you are truly the inspiration behind the words on these pages.

Thank you for lending your strength to this world. We need you. I need you.

▪ There is beauty in a sadness that allows you to feel deeply, there is beauty in the end because it gives way to a new beginning. There is beauty in the broken because in crumbling beneath emotion, there’s this opportunity to be strengthened by anything that has hurt you. This bundle of dead roses may have lost its intrigue to most people but to me, they inspire something beautiful. You may have experienced your fair share of heartache, you know what it means to feel empty or torn to pieces but I assure you that there is still meaning living inside your heart. There is still purpose and inspiration dwelling within your soul.

▪ introvert, new ideas.

Sometimes I feel like I’m sitting in a room without windows, the white walls almost appear to be padded and the silence plagues me like a calm and still storm. I should be afraid I guess, uncomfortable maybe but I am never more at peace than when sitting in the silence with nothing but the sound of my own heart. Being alone is not a punishment, it doesn’t need to be. I’m more at home when alone or with my lover, away from people because the very thought of people drains me of my divine energy. I’m alone but not really because I’m well aware of the individuals who feel exactly like me. Maybe even you, we see seclusion and silence as a way to renew. A way to reboot. They judge us as if something is wrong, only because they misunderstand the melody in our song. The longing to get away and stay away in an attempt to find our way to a space where the meaningful happens. Labeling anti-everything when honestly we’re only anti-things that have no purpose in our lives.

Sometimes I feel like I’m sitting in a room without windows, the white walls almost appear to be padded and while they wanted me to think I’m crazy for wanting to be by myself, maybe my sanity blooms insanely bright whenever I part ways with the chaos that is the world and the people I’ve decided to stay away from.

▪ You’re so hard-pressed to find someone who cares that you seem to be holding on tight to people who never will. You’re so eager for love that you let anyone in and they continue to hurt you. Maybe it’s time to stop giving yourself away to people who are not interested in making an effort. Maybe it’s time to stop entrusting your heart to disloyal and unclean hands. 

You’re so much more than they would lead you to believe. You’re so much greater than the relationship you’ve settled for. You’re not a welcome mat for pain. You were not designed to be someone’s emotional punching bag. You are more than they’d want you to believe. Do not listen to others as they attempt to define you in ways that would suggest that you deserve to be unhappy. They don’t know you like you know yourself. Do not allow them the power to make you forget who you truly are.