Planting Gardens in Graves by R.h Sin (Notes)

◆ the only way.

▪ the only way. she was strong but she was tired and walking away became her only option

◆ like home.

▪ like home. in a world where everyone left me out in the cold you felt like home

you felt like love

◆ they fear you.

▪ they fear you. they’re afraid of women who refuse to sit quietly when force-fed a bunch of bullshit they fear strong women and so they call them bitches as if their strength is an issue

◆ just myself.

▪ just myself. for so long my best relationship was with myself when people let me down all i had was me

◆ you and your story.

▪ you and your story. women are living poems poetry in motion stories of tragedy and strength pages of imperfection the most beautiful stories you’d ever read

◆ soul first.

▪ soul first. fall in love with my soul first then from there discover more ways to love me

◆ sharp.

▪ sharp. women with sharp tongues cut through weak men like knives to bread

◆ just trust me.

▪ just trust me. the one they’ll cheat with is the one they’ll say you shouldn’t worry about and they’ll always request your trust while betraying you in ways you’d never believe

◆ better now.

▪ better now. i think i’m better now i crack smiles and really mean it i laugh louder than i had before the thought of you doesn’t hurt i think of you and i smile losing you was not a loss you walked away, i dodged a bullet you left my life and now i’m free

◆ tales of detachment.

▪ tales of detachment. it was never instant i think when you tell people it ended

they assume that it was easy like an axe to wood it took several swings to detach myself from you you broke me down and so i began the tiring process of severing our soul ties in an effort to set my essence free  i walked away only to return to your empty promises of change asking myself why unsure of my own strength telling others that it was easier said than done until i finally did it it was never instant it was so fucking hard but damn it, i tell you it was worth it

◆ the past lingers.

▪ giving yourself to those who had nothing to provide but a penetration that never satisfied you to completion  keepsakes in boxes and bags like little museums displaying the proof of relationships that fell short of what you aspired to create you were trying to fill yourself with their emptiness

detached from reality their lies became your religion and like thieves they stole from you then disappeared into the darkness of every night leaving you broken blaming yourself wondering what you did wrong as they did nothing right

◆ when it’s real.

▪ when someone really loves you and wants to be a part of your life they let go of their past to better accommodate you in their future they don’t hold on to past likes, lusts, or loves you’ll never have to compete with anyone they’ve had history with because those relations no longer exist

◆ ease the pain.

▪ ease the pain. all the things that make you happy are either harmful or temporary and that’s what truly hurts self-medicating the pain using things or people that may partially destroy  more of who we are

◆ please never forget.

▪ please never forget. they left you when you needed them the most you’ve been hurting you’ve been alone without anyone to lean on fuck this idea that you need them to provide closure fuck those random texts and phone calls that only occur when they have nothing else to do but lie to you all over again they don’t love you nor have they ever truly cared they don’t miss you that’s just the bullshit they express in an effort to manipulate your emotions you deserve so much more than what you’ve had

◆ for the better.

▪ for the better. and sometimes a woman has to walk away from the one she loves because she loves herself too much to settle for a relationship that causes  her pain

◆ underneath.

▪ underneath. i wear my sadness beneath my smile but i’m not trying to pretend to be happy i’m just trying to remain strong

◆ i don’t know.

▪ i don’t know. i guess we get so used to loving the wrong person that it becomes increasingly difficult to be more open and willing when the right one comes along

◆ it was you all along.

▪ it was you all along. that’s the thing i’m almost ashamed to admit that i’ve spent a lifetime searching in others for a love that could only exist inside of you and i know that now

◆ hold on.

▪ hold on. if you should ever find someone who considers an emotional  connection with you far more important than the physical hold on to them

◆ know all, say nothing.

▪ know all, say nothing. i’m way too observant to be fooled i notice and discover things yet i say nothing  because it’s entertaining to watch someone dance circles around the truth

◆ the optimist.

▪ the optimist. even when things aren’t right in her life she still finds the strength to smile

◆ find the words and actions.

▪ find the words and actions. it’s simple be more expressive never let her wonder or question her own importance when it comes to your life choose her more often

◆ earn it.

▪ earn it. you can’t complain about the guard she keeps in front of her heart while giving her every reason not to trust

◆ he’ll never understand.

▪ you’re way too valuable to be sharing yourself with someone who isn’t man enough to understand the importance of love, loyalty, and respect

◆ the dead.

▪ the dead. if real love is life then my generation is dead

◆ for the broken girls.

▪ for the broken girls. there’s this negative stigma attached to anything that is broken there’s this idea that broken things somehow lose their value

▪ never forget about your strength in times of heartache remember all the things you’ve survived remember the many moments when you’ve played the hero successfully saving yourself this is for you for the broken but strong

◆ protect solitude.

▪ protect solitude. find your peace and protect it you will never  have to compromise your joy for someone who truly cares for you

◆ self-serving love I.

▪ self-serving love I. everything you’ve been searching for lives within your own heart all the love you’ve been longing for can be given to you, by you

◆ the emptiness of it all.

▪ the emptiness of it all.“i miss you” means nothing without effort “i miss you” means nothing ithout action don’t let your heart be manipulated by random texts that read “i miss

◆ not the damsel.

▪ not the damsel. you didn’t need saving you only wanted something real

◆ concealer.

▪ concealer. your smile is painted on but your pain is real

◆ say nothing.

▪ say nothing. when a woman is tired silence becomes her language when a woman is fed up fighting for what she thought was love is no longer  an option

◆ that process.

▪ that process. people leave too soon feelings stay too long 

◆ competitions.

▪ competitions. i walked away because competing with your past was no longer appealing  constantly made to feel as if i wasn’t good enough to be chosen i no longer have the emotional energy to keep up this fight my silence now a symbol of my unwillingness to keep trying

◆ no room.

▪ no room. maybe there’s never room for something new  or something better because you’re always holding on to things that no longer deserve to take up space

◆ inherited pain.

▪ inherited pain. children who were abandoned grow up to love people who abandon them

◆ kept telling myself.

▪ kept telling myself. the people who leave didn’t deserve to stay the people who stay will be the only ones i keep

◆ on guard.

▪ on guard. but the women with their guard up usually love the hardest 

◆ fed up entirely.

▪ fed up entirely. silence nothing she said nothing she stopped fighting she got tired it’s over, she’s done the end

◆ say nothing, say all.

▪ say nothing, say all. a woman’s silence is filled with truth 

◆ loss for love.

▪ loss for love. you’ve lost so much time so much of your life waiting for him to change

◆ wasting me.

▪ wasting me. i wasted so much of my energy on someone who refused to make an effort i was always fighting but no one fought for me

◆ wrong places.

▪ wrong places. the only reason  you’re unhappy is because you’ve been searching for peace in chaotic souls

◆ i’ve done this.

▪ i’ve done this. we use our unhappiness as an excuse to invest our love into people who ruin our peace 

◆ both broken.

▪ both broken. what were we broken and confused abused by the past  with hopes of a future that consisted of something real both tired of a love that turned out to be tainted both weary of trusting liars investing our energy into the emptiness of loving the wrong person we found each other and lost each other just the same hurt people hurt people this much was truth

◆ peace in the morning.

▪ peace in the morning. there’s a certain type of peace waking up alone without the person you thought you needed the person who no longer deserved to lie next to you at first the loneliness stings like a hornet protecting its nest but soon after there is peace i hope you get there and if you’ve already arrived i hope you stay there until you find someone worthy of you

◆ to carry on.

▪ to carry on. my friends are not my friends my family have become strangers and the one i care for has grown distant i’m alone with no one in my corner i’m alone  in search of the strength to carry on

◆ empty and incapable.

▪ empty and incapable. real emotions cultivated by empty promises and fraudulent love illusions that i could believe in illusions of everything i thought i wanted i thought you were the one but it turns out you were keeping me from finding the love that you were incapable of giving me

◆ no rewards.

▪ no rewards. there’s no reward for coming in second in a relationship that feels more like a race or competition i no longer desire to watch from the sidelines constantly being treated as if i’m not enough always made to feel as if i am nothing more to you than a hobby

◆ we do not.

▪ we do not. the woman loves we call her needy the woman guards her heart we call her cold we do not define the woman

◆ own wounds.

▪ own wounds. if anything her scars represent a woman’s ability to heal her own wounds

◆ your reason.

▪ your reason. because the fear of being abandoned  keeps us unhappy and alone

◆ just no.

▪ just no. no effort no love no reason to stay

◆ best for you.

▪ best for you.a woman who fights  for you is best for you fight for her

◆ unhappiness allowed.

▪ unhappiness allowed. you were lying to me and i accepted it because i thought  i deserved to be unhappy

◆ feeling unknown.

▪ feeling unknown. the worst feeling is not knowing what you’re feeling people ask if you’re okay and your response is i don’t know

◆ organic growth.

▪ organic growth. my tolerance for bullshit seems to diminish with age my circle of friends made smaller with time i’m less likely to trust far less open to what isn’t familiar  as even the things i know appear less appealing  a bit more paranoid or maybe i’m just wiser a bit more antisocial or possibly a little more selective life appears differently the more you live it maybe i’m seeing more clearly the older i become

◆ my teachers.

▪ my teachers. it begins with our parents those lessons of love defined by the way they treat others  we watch closely we take mental notes that are only apparent to our subconscious  buried deep within our minds left to resurface, later on in life we learn love by watching them interact and sometimes we learn about a love that brings pain and indifference observing the tension between  two people who weren’t made for each other i guess that’s what happened to me i saw my father  ell and scream toward the face of my crying mother i watched him return later with half-dead flowers and empty promises to treat her better after demeaning her with words that i had yet to understand he’d whisper i love you and she’d seemingly forgive him  i’d watch her love this man who obviously didn’t feel the same but that was my lesson in love and my teachers were two people who would later separate never to discover the truth in what love actually is and sometimes i think that this will be my fate living a life claiming to have loved when all i’ve ever known is hate

◆ years ago.

▪ years ago. i chose you how foolish my desire to fix you while destroying myself my desire to love you which caused me  to hate myself i changed the parts of me you didn’t like i left myself behind to search for you  and all i could ever find was more pain more lies i fell  you didn’t  i fought i tried then left

◆ hiding.

▪ hiding. my anger is a mask that hides my pain 

◆ wake in winter.

▪ wake in winter. i wanted to love you but my heart grew cold like flowers trying to push through the snow during winter we withered away

◆ 2:25 a.m.

▪ 2:25 a.m. we find ourselves when we let go of those who make us hate who we a

◆ honest lies.

▪ honest lies. angels beware of devils who tell lies in an honest tone

◆ shaming.

▪ shaming. men beg for entry then label women whores as they exit men chase pussy then degrade women for giving it to them

◆ statistic.

▪ statistic. it takes two to fuck and yet so often only one will raise the child

◆ why i kept you.

▪ why i kept you. we were both hurt and so i took you back  because i saw myself a reflection of my own brokenness shown within your soul and i kept you here because i knew what it meant to be abandoned i knew what it meant to be alone

◆ the unresolved.

▪ the unresolved. he filled you with disappointment you hate your father and yet you only date men who remind you of him 

◆ wild but calm.

▪ wild but calm. i believe  that real love can make the wildest soul calm down

◆ first heartache.

▪ first heartache. you know when i think about it  my father was the first person to break my heart

◆ underneath it all.

▪ underneath it all. i found myself covering up the stains of heartache with a smile

◆ without a home.

▪ without a home. i realized in the end that i was at risk of being homeless making homes out of humans

◆ love or war.

▪ love or war. the wrong love feels like a war it changes you forever

◆ no permission.

▪ no permission. don’t let him dim the light that lives within your soul

◆ never reciprocated.

▪ never reciprocated. i gave you everything and instead of giving it back you left me empty

◆ my heaven.

▪ my heaven. my solitude is peace my alone is heaven

◆ to myself.

▪ to myself. you are alone in need of more of yourself 

◆ haunting of old.

▪ haunting of old. be careful who you make your memories with because doing things with the wrong people can haunt you in ways you never believed

◆ all the time.

▪ all the time. they’ll do anything  to destroy your peace then text “i miss you” the moment they realize that you’re finally happy without them

◆ your love is not mine.

▪ the only time you miss me is when i’ve chosen to walk away maybe you don’t care about losing my love maybe your only fear is that you’ll lose whatever i provide

◆ blame.

▪ blame. you changed me my heart grew harder my patience dissolved and the warmth that i felt

escaped me you made me cold

◆ last night.

▪ last night. i think it happened last night the last time you’d be able to ruin me  the last moment in which i’d allow you to dictate my emotional reaction i lost faith in your ability to love me i stopped believing in you i found salvation last night

▪ last night was my freedom

◆ invisible wars.

▪ invisible wars. i fought for this every minute of every day  losing this invisible war going to battle by myself fighting to maintain a relationship with someone who never deserved my strength

◆ losing at love.

▪ losing at love. you care you fall you get hurt you try harder there’s pain and then there’s nothing

you feel numb

◆ sweet lies.

▪ sweet lies. bitter lies taste sweet when spoken from the lips of the person you love

◆ rejected.

▪ rejected. silence feels like rejection maybe that’s why this hurts  so much

◆ i stayed.

▪ i stayed. unworthy and unloved my only reason for staying was that change was scary and the pain you caused was familiar safe but dangerous difficult but easy you called this love but this was my own personal hell and instead of leaving this pit i decided to stay there

◆ either way.

▪ either way. they make virgins feel embarrassed for not having sex they shame women for making the decision to share themselves

◆ planting.

▪ planting. i felt so many things at once my heart’s cry was to find something worth believing in and the moment i began to let my guard down i was faced with a truth that nearly destroyed my very  existence i remember falling this never-ending plummet into an unexpected portion of chaos that would forever change the direction of my life i would’ve done anything for you in fact i almost did everything for you constantly placing myself in harm’s way just to ensure your safety. everyone around me could see what i refused to hiding behind this notion that i could potentially love you i chose to ignore the red flags that positioned themselves in clear view but one day the truth would plant itself in the gardens of our union causing us to grow distant no matter how deep the roots from seeds of mistrust and disappointment grew the strength that i would later use to walk away and toward a love that i deserved

◆ never easy.

▪ never easy. none of this is easy each day longer than the last  as i find the hands of my mind

reaching for you always reaching for you and at the same time coming up short that’s the problem  with the heart wanting to be touched by familiar hands even if those hands were the reason for its cracks

◆ what i fear.

▪ what i fear. patience is the monster i fear the most  causing us to stay longer than we should

waiting for a change that’ll never happen

◆ the option.

▪ the option. leaving was the only option because choosing me first was never your choice

◆ no passion.

▪ no passion. somewhere along the way someone taught you to associate anger with passion

and for some reason the more he screams at you the more you think he cares

◆ trying.

▪ trying. somewhere along the way you lost yourself trying to keep the things that weren’t meant to stay 

◆ toward peace.

▪ toward peace. somewhere along your journey toward peace you decided to entertain chaos confusing it for passion a type of passion  mistaken for love a love that only hurt you

in the end

◆ your ex.

▪ your ex. leave the past in the past the strongest fires cannot be cultivated with old flames

◆ all survived.

▪ all survived. the human heart breaks and continues to beat heartbreak is death  yet we find ways to survive we find new beginnings within the end of everything we thought would last we are all survivors of loving the wrong soul

◆ our sides.

▪ our sides. we plant seeds of love  in the gardens of those who have no intent to care for us

◆ teach them.

▪ teach them. make sure  you tell your daughter  about the madness they cause be sure to teach your daughter about the things they do  and say to get what they want  fill her with the knowledge that your experiences taught you

◆ September 16th.

▪ September 16th. what leaves doesn’t deserve to be kept 

◆ do you want to.

▪ do you want to. being unsure  is not consent being uncertain is not a

◆ emotional pursuit.

 ▪ emotional pursuit. you are not yourself you’ve become numb, cold, broken, and fed up you’ve been strong but you are tired you’ve been patient but nothing changed sometimes it never gets better sometimes you have to walk away in order to find peace

◆ don’t blame yourself.

▪ don’t blame yourself. women are always doing everything  they’re always fighting and not being

fought for they’re always reading articles on how to improve for men who refuse to change a little piece of me dies when women write me about the men who hurt them it hurts me it’s time for men to step up or lose their women to men like me i can’t imagine my lady dealing with some of the bullshit i see on social media, tv, or in the real world a woman shouldn’t have to provide an incentive for a man to treat her the right way

◆ uncaged.

▪ uncaged. women with wild hearts are worth it 

◆ remember, never forget.

▪ remember, never forget. i’m not doing this to hurt you i’m just tired of getting hurt in no way am i quitting on you i’m just giving myself the opportunity to be happy while you made me feel something i made you feel important i was afraid to let go until i realized that holding on to you

meant holding on to nothing i was afraid to move on until i realized that walking away from you meant walking toward a better future losing you wasn’t a loss you, losing me meant that you lost everything

◆ journeyman.

▪ journeyman. this much is true the path toward great love is filled with disappointment and our journey is defined by how quickly we move forward away from all the things that no longer deserve

our attention

◆ yesterday until now.

▪ yesterday until now. one day you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt as much things won’t improve overnight but there will come a time when you’ll look back on what used to make you sad and you’ll laugh because whatever was meant to destroy you

will have made you a little bit stronger

◆ felt stuck.

▪ felt stuck. i’ve been hurting like my wrist cut feeling broken but i’m stitched up overall, i overtrust

then overthink until i feel stuck

◆ too.

▪ too. you are not too emotional being able to feel things  with your heart is not a handicap it’s not a burden

◆ stay here.

▪ stay here. you are beautiful you are valuable  your life is precious don’t take it

◆ always you fighting.

▪ always you fighting. you’re fighting to be chosen by a man who doesn’t deserve to have you as an option

◆ near death and listen.

▪ near death and listen. so many untold stories in every cemetery a garden filled with spirits who can no longer grow mouths that can no longer speak and hearts longing for a chance to beat again i hear them . . .

◆ mistakes and tombstones.

▪ mistakes and tombstones. congratulations in the subject line an email from an old friend ill intentions hidden behind a message that would appear to be genuine but it isn’t just the latest attempt  from someone i thought i buried in the cemetery filled with my mistakes

◆ reflection of lies.

▪ reflection of lies. i should be happy but i struggle to smile spreading my lips to appease others pretending to be okay in an attempt to make them comfortable i’ve been lying to myself

◆ when love is hate.

▪ when love is hate. i could pour my entire heart out to you  and you’ll say nothing you could tell me how much you love me and somehow it’ll still feel like hate

◆ after six.

▪ after six. i think it was the silence and the tension that followed i swallowed my complaints and said nothing even though i noticed maybe you never loved me maybe you don’t know how maybe i’m just lonely using you to fill a void 

◆ many women.

▪ many women. Emma isn’t perfect but she deserves the world Olivia struggles with love but love lives within her heart Sophia is broken but valuable Ava is still trying to find her way through the darkness that surrounds her Mary and Patricia continue to fight Jennifer and Samantha continue to survive Linda, Barbara, Elizabeth, and Maria will not give in Susan, Lisa, Margaret, and Dorothy

will not give up different women, same pain different names, same devils 

◆ she, a sad melody.

▪ she, a sad melody. tired unable to sleep  she sits under the moon pain swells her soul while reading these words with a heavy heart and a mind filled with questions she is strong but she feels broken she keep fighting but she is tired she’s not perfect but she is trying she’s searching for peace in the night sky and tonight, she is you

◆ a heart at war.

▪ a heart at war. it’s fucked up but i’ll stay you screw me over but i’ll hold on  constantly at war with my own heart my mind knows the truth but i find comfort in your lies i’m alone, even when next to  you as if i’m the only one in this relationship alone but taken, alone and taken for granted but i’ll stay longer than i should waiting for you to become the personyou promised you’d be this is my fight, this is my hell

◆ nine years.

▪ nine years. most truths are just pretty lies 

◆ weeds in the end.

▪ weeds in the end. and here you are you’ve reached the ending you’ve survived these pages 

this generation just like any other generation before it exchanging love for hate investing energy into places that weaken our hearts we take our seeds of hope and bury them deep in tainted soil and from those seeds resentment is grown pain has become our roots barely peeking from the ground

trying to reach the skies but we’re stuck planting gardens in graves