Empty Bottles Full of Stories by R.H. Sin (Notes)

◆ The Curse Contents

▪ WHAT PEOPLE NEED 

People want to heal. They want to know how the stars ended up on their hands,

how the comets soar through their eyes, and how the flowers grow within their hearts . . .  when all hope is lost. They want other people, like you, to feel the force of things, to understand the magnitude of the falling heart, of the breaking heart.  They want to know they’re not alone . . .  that their hands  were meant to fill other hands and that the black holes in their souls lead to the most  beautiful of places. Like the ones you can’t outrun. Like the ones you gravitate toward. My child, this is what they want. This is what brings people closer. Know, how some people have lost their way,  but please believe, that ultimately, we all obtain the goodness  of the gods. We all want to be saved and we are all looking for  reasons to love.  My child, before I leave you, KNOW, that the world is hard,

that people are soft, and all of us  are terribly looking for ways NOT to shatter.

▪ HARD EDGES

Beneath my hard edges. Beneath my torn,  battered heart. Beneath my sunbathed flesh and these worn bones. Please believe,  that somewhere in me,

there is a love song and it is the kind  you listen to while driving back home.

WHAT WE DO

It’s what we do. The same things  over and over. Where risk blooms and the pain of growth stings  from the marrow  of the bone. From the moment of birth

till death . . .  it is all,  after all, about the meaning. The in-between, the moments of chaos, the ones where it feels as if our lives are falling apart. 

That brink of losing it, all of it. Where there is pain, there is love. Where there is failure, there is success. Where there is war, there is peace. It is what we do

from start to finish . . .  not where time pivots  the two. It is what you collect,

not what you let go. It is what you feel, not what you think you feel. Real is real

and what you do means nothing if you do not understand why you do the things you have done, and what you have given up and lost for a chance to love.

▪ HARD EDGES

Beneath my hard edges. Beneath my torn,  battered heart. Beneath my  sunbathed flesh and these worn bones. Please believe, that somewhere in me,

there is a love song and it is the kind  you listen to while driving back home.

WHAT WE DO

▪ WHOM YOU LOVE

It’s about the way you love,  not whom you love. Whom you spend  your life with,

not whom you know. The same way it’s about the things you do, not what you say. Know the difference. That’s what makes you who you are.  

MY COUNTRY

▪ Does life end  the moment we step outside? Does life begin the moment we are invited to stand with them?

▪ Please let me go. Please set me free. Please do not kill the youth. Do not kill the inspiration, the rebellion of children, the dream, and the feeling the people need 

to go on. Please understand  that without us there is no you. Please understand 

that we, too, bleed  and have bled for our families. Please understand that like you,  we, too,  have much to offer the world.  O country, my country. Please love your people. That is the only way we both will survive.

▪ MUCH SENSE

I get you, you don’t know how you feel. Well, I will tell you this: the world doesn’t make much sense without  the people you love. 

▪ BLOOMING

No matter what they say, know,  that all good things take time to bloom and all sadness is not a waste of life. Sadness, like happiness, is delicate and temporary. So here’s to you for being true . . .  for being beautiful. The sun is the brightest thing in the sky and so are you.  Be easy on yourself. Be cool. A flower is still a flower . . . no matter  what it goes through and no matter where it decides to bloom.

◆ The Curse Contents

▪ Then, one night, out of the silent flares from the moon . . .  you discover her.

A woman filled  with cleverness and adventure. A woman filled with passion, charm, and an appetite for life. You take her or rather, she takes you into her past, into your past, to begin from within. And this time, as you do, as you’re reborn from the ashes of your old life. You remember her and thank her,

this rare woman, who nearly saved you. You thank her for showing you the way.

You thank her for pulling your feet  out of the grave. And the funny thing is, how soon enough,  you’ll ignore her. You’ll add her to the banks of your memory  

with the rest of them. You’ll go on, and experience other average lovers once again. And it always happens   like this: you’ll remember her when it’s too late,

and you’ll lose your mind, and your heart just as swiftly as she returned it. You’ll beat yourself up for the rest of your life  for losing your one true love. Damn.

Too often this is how it ends . . .  and too often do we, as people, only appreciate someone once they are gone.

▪ THE ISSUE

The issue is, you think you own love forever.  You think the people around you will have it, too. Don’t waste any time. Tell them  you need them, show them  why now is important. Why now is special. We might never get this chance ever again. The past is always growing and time  is just another metaphor that represents all the people we’ve lost.

▪ I THINK, I DON’T THINK

I think you like the idea of feeling too much, of experiencing  too much and letting the things inside you float away. I think you want people to notice you but want others to think that isolation pumps through your veins. I think you care too much but you pretend as if nothing bothers you. I think you want people  to miss you but only  the right ones. I think you like breaking  apart but only because

you know by morning you’ll be yourself again. I think you like being chased because you want to be saved and loved  with the same intensity  an earthquake  would bring. I think you want the world to remember you but you don’t have

the slightest clue on becoming memorable. I think you want delicate hands

to surf over your skin but you think you’re too hard for soft hands. I think of all these things and it couldn’t be more true, that like me, you just need someone to catch you and tell you how much they know you— to reveal little things about you, that you yourself ignore. I think the star in you wants to give light to other people  and I think I need it to help me find my way.  And, like you, I think and feel these things deeply . . .  and I know we need each other . . . if ever, we think we want a proper shot at love.

▪ STORIES

I know there are two sides to the world—  two stories. One good and one bad, and you shouldn’t ignore  the bad. You should know it but don’t fall into it. The world is beautiful, life is beautiful, and hatred shouldn’t be carried. So please go on gently and always remember to let all things  that weigh you down go.

▪ TOO MUCH OF ANYTHING IS BAD

Too much war. Too much slavery. Too much famine.  Too much death. Too much suffering. Too much pain.  Too much nothingness.  All around, filling the room. Too much laughter. Too much peace. Too much comfort. Too much togetherness. Too much love. Too much life.  Too much passion. People, moments, and life

will show you how too much  of anything can be dangerous. They will make you either  feel more or less.  The beautiful gift and curse of being human, to give and to take away. To build or destroy. The same way people, both men and women, dead or alive, have gone through and/or will go through too much of too much. Too much emptiness. Too much confusion.  Too much to hold. Too much to let go. You won’t be the same person  after you’ve seen  what you’re meant to see . . . and how could you? The world is both  light and dark and only those with their eyes open see and find their way.  It is both a curse and a blessing  to feel things  so deeply and too much of anything will always be too much  for you to bear. Always.

▪ SORROW RISES

The heart is sometimes a liar,  for at times, it promises happiness but too often,  it leaves you alone with nothing more  than sorrow. What a terrible monster to feed. It wants and wants and wants and almost always, does it leave you

empty-handed with nothing left to hold. 

▪ A GIRL I ONCE KNEW

She had tragic eyes— sad eyes  as if she had seen  too much or had too many stars die  within the edge  of her pupils. Large, faraway eyes, as if all the things 

she had lived through  meant nothing without the people she loved. Without a word  she speaks and tells me  all the things I need to hear, the things  I need 

to ease the pain  a little. With a few blinks she calms my storms, the mad wolves 

rioting inside of my brain, the ones who feed off  my heart, courage, and  inspiration. Her eyes wander, they take the whole goddamn feeling, the whole 

goddamn moment . . .  as if she drank the ocean within my beating chest, and now  I’m lost at sea. My life is nothing, this is what I tell my comrades. That without her I’m just another fool  searching for the pieces that may or may not 

complete me. Those eyes, beautiful and lost. Those eyes, piercing and soft. Those eyes, sane and mad. Like the gentle doubt I carry  throughout my life. I’m a fool, I say, and like the fool that I am, I follow and I walk toward her darkness— where all the dying stars end up. Where the light can’t escape  and where all the lost people go to be found. Those eyes, beautiful and lost.  Those eyes, piercing and soft. Those eyes, sane and mad.  And with one look I am lost . . . 

forever.

▪ LETTER TO MY DAUGHTER

Listen to the way life slowly walks out of her body. If there is any kind of music

to be appreciated, then it is there, between the beats of her heart and the quiet exhale of her breath. So please,  love her and love her well. She is not meant to live forever but the idea is to make her feel as if she is the center of the universe . . .  every single day. Amen.

▪ TOO MUCH DARKNESS

Sometimes, I feel like I have too much to offer. Too much light and too much darkness. Too much repetitiveness and too much contradiction. Too much love and too little time to explore it. Too much heart and too much inspiration to change that look in your eyes. Too much flame and too much passion to control. I feel the people.  I feel the pain. I feel the breath  of the ocean in me. And because of it I carry too much of too much for my own good. I am still, and the weight of it all is beautiful. And sometimes, among all things, I feel like a dying star. Like I am  collapsing within myself, devouring every planet, every person, and every moment I . . .  have ever known. 

▪ OBEY OBEY OBEY

Obey what you feel and know  that your heart will always lead you  in the right direction. Put your trust  in the atoms  inside of you. Believe in them, know them . . . they are connected for a reason after all. 

▪ FAME IS DEAD

Fame. What is fame? The knowing?  The recognition? Is fame power? True  power? Why do people fight for it? Why do people crave being accepted, appreciated, and loved by many? I never understood this and to be honest, I’m not sure how anyone could even want this type of commitment. Fame. Please no thank you. I like myself. I like where I am. I like the fact that I am unknown

although,  my work has been shared  by millions.  Choice. It is my choice. However I want to proceed or not is ultimately my decision.  It’s up to me, up to you. I want to stay in the shadows.  I want to stay where all things that go ignored remain where they do go die . . .  but be in the light just enough  to be remembered. Not in present but in the past. I want people to say,  “Hey I remember him. His books were great; they inspired me.”  That’s all I really want. I want the eight-year-old kid to pick up my book and start writing, because of me. To me, that is more important than fame. It is legendary to inspire someone 

to be more. To believe in themselves . . .  the same way I have in myself.  I want to be a champion of the underdog. Of the nine-to-fivers.  The ones who are trying

to break through and make something out of themselves. I want to be a champion  to the ones who believe people can change once they believe to accept  how easy it is to do so. I want to represent the ones who are near the finish line but for some reason they finish second instead of first. They are still winners for not giving up. So fame, is it needed to succeed? Is being popular the answer? No, it’s not.  It’s a distraction. It’s an illusion and it pulls you away from what really matters.  So to say that I want to be famous is completely irrelevant.

For one,  I don’t like being filmed. I don’t like being photographed. I tried it and didn’t like it. So why should I do something I don’t want to? That’s not love. That’s not self-righteous. To sell yourself  to sell more books? I still remind myself to find myself, although millions of people follow what it is I stand for. The truth is, I still don’t know who I am but hey, I’m working on it, right? And it’s a struggle I go through every day. The same as everyone else, and that doesn’t mean anything, other than the fact that I’m just like you. I’m the same person I have always been and I always will be. A million followers or not. I’m still the same young boy looking for a way out. Looking for a way in . . . that is,  into my own head and my own heart and being known has nothing to do with it. I’m still searching for all the things that bring me happiness. It is the pursuit  that drives me all along.

▪ SOCIETY

We blame society  but we are society. Teach the children to be better, to be different. The world is full of  second chances. We could still save our home and we could still change our hearts to create  a better tomorrow.

▪ If you want this world to heal,  then we must all be open  to the opinions of  others.  We must all respect  one another as equals. How in the world  do you expect to function, to earn peoples’ hearts? Put it like this, now if you have a friend who appreciates something you don’t, you’re going to unfriend them 

over it? Perhaps not, right?  But it’s the same idea.

▪ Well, my old friends,  that says more about you  than it does . . . about me. Overcome the hatred. Overcome the narrow path. Not everyone is going 

to agree with you. Not everyone is going  to feel the same way.

GET OVER YOURSELF . . .  and let in instead of out. Yes, you can. Yes, you did. Yes, you can.

▪ THE REALIZATION

How could you think you are weak when every time you break, you come back stronger  than before?

▪ WANT IT OR NOT

The soul prays,  whether you know it or not. There is a divine signal coming from the middle  of your brain, where all the atoms break. Believe in this, that the soul prays  and when it does  it asks for all the things  you’re asking for  whether you’re asking  or not.  Believe in this, when good things happen, when bad things happen. When tears flood through your eyes and when laughter  swells your lungs.  Believe that the soul prays.  Believe that it prepares you  for all things 

whether you want it  or not.  Believe in this.  Believe in words,  feelings,  and things you cannot see. Like signals,  symbols,  and the way your heart  breathes. 

It is true, that the soul prays,  whether you know it  or not.  Believe in this  before you go.  Believe that all things that happen . . . come to us whether we want it or not. 

ENOUGH IS NEVER ENOUGH

There is enough human suffering in you  to collapse a building . . .  so why cause damage to other people? Why pain, hate, and tears?  Why not love,  kindness, and laughter?  I know it’s difficult  but the effort  is worth a place  in the sun.  Love hard  and love broken people  even harder. 

▪ OF COURSE

Yes, of course,  I could survive on my own.  I could swim, run, think, and break  without the help of other people. I love myself  and I have always looked out  for myself  the best way I know how. But I swear,  sometimes I feel the urge  to be held, understood, and loved  in the sweetest way. Sometimes,  I do need  someone  to talk to,  to hold on to,  to love, and to live with as well.  Sometimes, 

I just need someone  to lean on over  and whisper:  “I can’t see  another day 

without you and I need you in my life  just as much as you need me  in yours.”

That’s all.

▪ BEST KIND . . .

Everyone is going to see you  how they see you  no matter what you do  or say. 

No matter how good you are or how bad things get. You are you, so keep slaying, baby. Self-love  is the best kind  of love and there’s no doubt about that. 

▪ DISTANCE 2

Distance is more  than two objects apart.  It is the struggle we all go through when the heart  and the mind  can’t seem  to get along.

◆ The Curse Contents

▪ I AM NOT SORRY

I’m sorry  I’m cold with you. I’m sorry at times, I don’t know what to do or what to say.  And I’m sorry I never have the right words  for you. It’s just, I’ve dealt with hearts that don’t break  too lightly. Hard hearts, you know . . .   hearts that  have seen too much, felt too much to even flinch  a little when it all goes wrong. 

And I’ve dealt  with fragile hearts, too, ones that shatter  the moment the air shifts  away from them. Yes, life is hard and loving someone  is even harder, 

and right now you caught me  at a difficult time in my life,  a time  where I put myself first. A time  where I only have my own problems  to care about,  to deal with. Yes, it is true, I know it sounds selfish, but I love who I am and because of that, I don’t want to sugarcoat how it is . . .  that is, if the world is fucked up then  that’s how  I want you to see it,  you know? I won’t protect you from the truth, from what hurts. I’m not afraid to make you feel bad at the cost of being honest, at the cost  of being myself. Shit,  as if we don’t have it bad enough already. And yes,  I know the both of us  have let go  many people, both good and bad, and because of it,  if I must break you,  then I will. And if you must 

break me . . .   then so be it. I love you,  and I’m ready no matter what you do 

or what you say. I am here. I am here. I am here. And I have nowhere else 

to go.

▪ IT FEELS THE WAY IT FEELS

It hurts . . .  of course it does, because we were made to hurt. To feel. To try to understand even when we know we cannot. It hurts . . . of course it does, and at times, we won’t know what to say, but we will try  even if the words are hard to project. It hurts . . . of course it does, to watch you, the people  we care about  go through hell  and not having 

the power to heal them the way we should. It hurts . . .  of course it does,

to breathe memories, the ones that take you back to a place  when it all made sense. Where the fire of pain was smaller  than it is now.  It hurts . . .  of course it does, as it always does. When love isn’t enough,  strong enough to save the one you  need. It hurts . . .  of course it does. The solitude. The ache. The longing to be understood and the craving  of human interaction . . . of touch, of laughter, and watching it  slip before our naked eyes.  My dear, it hurts, all of it,   of course it does . . .  And the wounds  are deep  enough, they always are. And they will always  hurt a little more than before. My dear,  it hurts, believe that you  cannot outrun this. Abandon this.  Destroy this pool of feelings. Understand,  how pain  is the curse that will tear you apart  but also, the blessing that will bring us all closer together. Understand that sometimes life isn’t beautiful.  That sometimes life is hell but we’d rather feel the chaos than feel nothing  at all. 

▪ ABOUT YOU

You have so much inside of you. Like a thousand oceans and a thousand moons 

and here you are . . . hurting over something you’ll soon grow out of . . . 

something you’ll soon forget. So why carry this pain? When all the love in the universe dwells within you. Find it. The happiness you’re seeking begins and will always begin . . . with you. 

▪ I OFTEN . . .

I often think of whom it is  you are thinking of  right before you go to sleep and sometimes I wonder if it is me. I wonder, and I cannot say this better myself but I miss you, and I hope you find my precious company when you feel most alone.

▪ THE THING ABOUT YOU

The thing about you is, you carry this kindred sadness that draws me in and it’s a lot like mine. It peeks from the edge of my eyes when it wants to and only a handful of people take notice. And it’s the same way I’m noticing yours and that’s a beautiful thing. It’s a miracle when similar people find one another and that’s why I’ve got to know you, that’s why I’ve got to break you down, to see if you love the same way as I do . . . to see if I’m really not meant to be alone.

MOMENT OF SILENCE

Let us thank the lovers for being lovers and the haters for giving us the courage, 

the motivation, and the fire to keep on. 

▪ THE THING ABOUT YOU

The thing about you is, you carry this kindred sadness that draws me in and it’s a lot like mine. It peeks from the edge of my eyes when it wants to and only a handful of people take notice. And it’s the same way I’m noticing yours and that’s a beautiful thing. It’s a miracle when similar people find one another and that’s why I’ve got to know you, that’s why I’ve got to break you down, to see if you love the same way as I do . . . to see if I’m really not meant to be alone.

▪ IN ALL MY . . .

In all my years I have learned that most people  never tend to change. That most people are meant to do the same things, feel the same things, and even say 

the same things over and over. And what is sad about that is, how those same people don’t get it. They don’t think anything of it, that is, not growing and not moving forward only staying right where they think they belong.They can’t find peace, and they find themselves in the chaos of the past. Hell, I don’t want to die the same as I did when I was born. I don’t want anything of it. If I taste love twice then please do not let it be the same. If I feel heartbreak, disappointment, 

pain and even more, then please by all means, do not let them arrive  in unison. I want the chaos of life in different times and different stages of my life. I want to be old and still feel the bitter sting of letting go and the sweet science behind holding on. I want to grow strong and I want the wisdom of a thousand men. All I want is my life to have meaning, in all forms, shapes, and sizes.

I want life. I want life. I want life. I want it at all costs even if it means . . . I am doomed to  go through  the same things more than twice.

▪ THINGS YOU FEEL

It hurts because there are some things  you can’t fake. Like the feeling you get 

while watching someone you love without saying good-bye. It hurts because no matter how many times you wake up,  you’re still stuck in a world where they glorify violence rather than peace. It hurts because everyone around you 

wants change  but no one has the courage to change for themselves. It hurts because you have so much in you  but don’t have the slightest clue on how to pour it out. It hurts because you’re up every night thinking why does it hurt 

so damn much without knowing why. And lastly, it hurts because feelings matter 

and you could never run far enough from all the things you feel.

▪ WHO YOU ARE

After all, the world is made up   of different kinds of people,  so sooner or later 

you’re going to run into someone just like you  and you’re going to analyze them 

and say, “Damn, I am complicated   but I am also beautiful.” And that will be enough  to inspire you  and give you the perfect amount of courage  to continue being who you are.

▪ THE LAST WORD

I want to change the way you feel  about pain. I want to show you how not all hurting  is bad.  How sometimes  broken things are beautiful things and how sometimes you need a little ache to help you appreciate . . .  the gentle poetry you create  with your beating heart. 

◆ The Curse Contents

▪ A GIRL FROM THE PAST

She thinks of falling  outside  where the dead leaves pile.  She thinks falling 

there will save her. She thinks each leaf is a metaphor for all the fallen lovers 

who couldn’t survive her storm. There she waits for the rain. There she waits for the sadness to go away. There she waits to be reborn, to be loved, and for someone who might have enough courage to stay . . . no matter how much of a danger her heart is. She’s a moon and she needs a man with a heart the size of an ocean to pull her away from the chaos within. The end.

◆ The Gift

▪ the first shot.

She’s tired of giving the wrong people the right pieces of herself. She looks at the one she loves and silently screams within her own mind. She feels stupid at times, but in all honesty, the only one stupid within this situation is the one too stupid to comprehend her love. Some men are not really men or, simply, they’re not man enough to treat a woman the way she deserves. It’s not your fault that you fell for someone who could say the right things yet fail to act on what they’ve expressed. You’re not weak. Why? Well because you’re strong enough to love even when that love isn’t returned. Your love is unconditional and beautiful. Your love maintains its beauty even when you’re stuck in an ugly, unhealthy relationship, and you still maintain your value even with someone who fails to value you.

Your smile is a symbol of your strength. Broken is what you’ve felt but that isn’t who you are. I want you to know that your love is a flower waiting to blossom, only to be shared with someone devoted enough to only pick you from a garden where only the truth can grow. Every failed relationship was just an opportunity for you to learn what to avoid as you begin to preserve yourself for the one who deserves a space in your life. 

She is good enough, she is beautiful, she is almighty and majestic. She is strong and intelligent. She is a Queen deserving of more than what she has had. She is you, and when you discover the type of love that mirrors your own, hold on to it.

▪ the second shot. 

i think you should leave him i think you know this already but you’re afraid to  start over you’re afraid of being alone but don’t you feel alone whenever you’re near that person don’t you feel like there’s something more out there for you

i think you deserve more but you already knew that and i think you’re strong enough to walk away from anyone undeserving of your energy i believe that you are mighty enough to separate yourself from the people who are less than you deserve because you are, in fact, powerful enough to free yourself from those who want to keep you in bondage 

▪ the third shot.

What if I told you that you were wasting your time, sitting there waiting for a call that’ll never come from someone who never even deserved to reach you? What if I told you that the love you’ve been craving does not live in the heart of the person you’ve been losing sleep over? All those restless nights, and for what? You could be asleep dreaming dreams that make you smile; instead you sit there all alone in a dark room gently lit by the moon, feelings of being stuck in a nightmare that seems to be playing on loop. It feels like the walls are closing in on you, the ceiling is collapsing. Time is passing, the night sinks into itself, and you become a little less sure of everything you were already questioning. What if the love of your life is alone, just like you, feeling some of the same feelings? With questions as big as yours and doubts as deep as the doubt that now consumes you? What if holding on to someone who no longer deserves your attention is distracting you from being with the one person who would never hurt you in the ways you’ve grown accustomed to? You could really be in love instead of pretending to be in love with someone who does nothing to earn the love you’ve been wasting on the person who isn’t the one you should be with.

◆ The Gift

▪ on my second glass of whiskey.

You don’t even know how much love you’ve stolen from yourself while trying to maintain unhealthy relationships with people who have proven time and time again that they’ll never be able to love you the way you deserve. You don’t even know how much time you’ve robbed yourself of. All those late nights and early mornings, spent chasing the thought of a person who rarely even thought about you. 

You don’t know, and I wish you did. I wish the love you wasted on others would somehow have found its way back to you, but you’ve insisted on finding someone new after every person you lose, not realizing they were never actually losses because you never had them in the first place. I wish you knew that they were never losses because they were never valuable enough to be that, but you were always everything, and you were always giving your everything to a person who insisted on doing nothing, giving nothing. Using you up until they deemed you to be empty every time they were finished. You don’t even know, but I wish you did, or maybe you’ll finally get it after reading these words.

▪ you need to feel.

Your joy is constantly fading because you’ve built your happiness on temporary things. Your peace has now become reliant upon a weak foundation. Sadly, you’d rather pretend to be happy, smiling in photos, crying when the lights of social media are off. Giving the world a fictional version of who you are, hiding your truth to appease others, your sadness is not a burden. Your sadness is significant. Your sadness is important. This thing that you feel will strengthen your soul if you let it. So feel whatever it is that you need to feel. No matter what it is, you don’t have to be silent. you wear the sadness.  the joy is replaced with sadness your expectation becomes disappointment  the truth was just an attractive lie a bunch of letting, forming words that came together to create sentences of manipulation the heart becomes cold as if to lose its summer the soul becomes tired you and your restless spirit what’s behind those dead eyes you wear that blank expression like new skin you wear sadness like the latest fashion you wear pain like garments you’ve been draped in anguish don’t you miss who you were before who you became took over your life do you miss yourself like i miss you do you even remember what it felt like to be happy have you forgotten yourself beneath your troubles and all of this for a love that turned out to be hatred all of this for a heart that never deserved yours all of this hurt for a relationship  that would never work all of yourself all of everything invested into something that now feels like nothing

▪ you need to feel.

Your joy is constantly fading because you’ve built your happiness on temporary things. Your peace has now become reliant upon a weak foundation. Sadly, you’d rather pretend to be happy, smiling in photos, crying when the lights of social media are off. Giving the world a fictional version of who you are, hiding your truth to appease others, your sadness is not a burden. Your sadness is significant. Your sadness is important. This thing that you feel will strengthen your soul if you let it. So feel whatever it is that you need to feel. No matter what it is, you don’t have to be silent. you wear the sadness.

▪ anxious. 

uneasy in a room filled with others smothered by crowds anxious from the noise

heard in raging halls bouncing off the fucking walls i wish to be alone hidden behind silence  isolated by peace away from everything

▪ Feb 22nd.

there was a hole in the ceiling  and our room was too small to house all of our things the account was nearly overdrawn  and the stress from it all felt like tons weighing upon our fragile shoulders we were broke we were broken we were tired

but we had each other and that was the richest feeling we didn’t have much

but we had everything when together

▪ i trusted you i shouldn’t have i allowed you in i let you get close  to places

you never deserved to be and you violated me the betrayal has been heavy 

so much that i struggled to carry myself suffering from the feeling of coming undone  i regret being silent  but here i am made stronger from the pain 

more powerful than before  ready to tell the world  i refuse to be silent anymore

▪ Just think about this . . . life is too short. Are you willing to give up a lifetime of real love for someone who would rather give you a life of pain and sadness? You have the power to let go . . . find it . . . use it. Save yourself.

▪ save me not.

I think I wanted you to save me. I waited for you to breathe life into my fragile body and aching soul. I was lying there, eyes closed, my heart rate slowing down under the pressure of trying to survive for us. I was lying there, lying to myself while you continued to lie to me. You never tried for me, but for some odd reason, I always believed you would. Holding on to a heavy hope, searching for a “yes” in a room filled with everything that screamed “no.” They say love is blind, but I’ve come to understand that was never love, and you were never the love of my life. Instead, you would later become the reason for the death of our union and our existence together, and so I lie here, staring at the ceiling. No longer willing to live for you or us, I am ready to live for myself and the future that will go on without you.

▪ young and eager.

so often we give our firsts to people who will forget us as soon as something new  arrives so many special moments wasted on people who will never appreciate the memories we gave them i just wish someone  would have taught me that waiting would be far more rewarding  than believing the liars who only told me what i needed to hear  just to get what they always wanted

▪ Travel beneath the surface of her exterior and physical structure, and discover what is covered by a guard in place to protect against anyone who doesn’t deserve to peek into the windows of her soul. Earn the opportunity to meet her there in her innermost vulnerability, and have a conversation with her soul if you’re man enough to do so. 

I want to speak to her soul, while others are overly eager to touch her physically. I’d like to stimulate the wires of her mind and live there for a lifetime. I dream of dreams that only consist of a woman like her, a woman like you. Let me enter, but only when I am worthy of the key that leads to you, leading me.

▪ the beginning of another end. where do promises go when broken what happens to love when hearts are shattered what happens to the truth that was once given to a liar we lose these things for one another then search for them later to give to someone else and so it all begins again the journey of friends becoming lovers

then enemies in the end 

▪ this year  say “no” more often  stop trying for those  who never try for you choose yourself  whenever others  refuse to choose you  stop settling for a love 

that hurts your heart  focus on your goals your career  never compromise your ambition  for an unhealthy relationship

▪ It hurts right now, you’re tired of going through the same old shit. Your heart is weary, but you’re still powerful. Strong enough to walk away, strong enough to make it without the person you thought you needed.

2/21.

▪ Years of feeling like I could never be enough, and yet I continue to try for you. My best efforts made to look like nothing, forcing myself to stay put. Content with a love life that feels like death. There’s no rest for the broken. I know that all too well as I swell up from the abuse, the torture of fighting for someone who would rather fight against me than stand by my side when it’s time to go to war. What am I waiting for? With nothing but sores to show. These wounds and bruises, these scars are caused by you. My fucked-up logic, wanting love but incapable of finding it inside a relationship that feels more like a situational mess. 

I tried my best. I try and I try and die some more then again I ask myself, “What have I been fighting for?” Screaming out “Choose me or you’ll lose me” but I’ve yet to leave. Wanting us to work but at the same time realizing that you will never be able to provide all that I need. I see and yet I’m blind all at the same time. My mind overflows like great floods consuming cities. Sometimes I wonder, if I leave you: Would it hurt? Would you miss me? All this history and yet nothing to truly show. Years of feeling like I could never be enough for you has caused so much damage to my fucking soul

▪ It always begins with a lie. Some lonely soul told a bunch of bullshit that sounds pretty enough to believe. You never truly see it coming until they’re done coming. The climax marks the end of something you were made to think would last forever, but it was only for the moment, and you were only a tool in assisting them to find pleasure. It always begins with a lie, some false comfort. True intentions wrapped up in a box with so many bows that you deem it believable, and you never see the truth until it’s over and you’re left there alone, back where you began. Trying to figure out how to piece yourself back together.

▪ tend to your devices.

cell phones make people invisible haven’t you noticed?  no you haven’t your  attention redirected to a screen making everything else obsolete  phone in hand, attention robbed  and those who sit among you feel neglected  and one day you’ll regret this until then your only friend seems to be the device you’ve chosen to hold that thing you’d rather look at instead of me but see, maybe it’s not your fault child of a golden age of distractions forced into a space where you’d rather face a screen than look at me

▪ 43 degrees.

i may not know you but i know your pain i know that feeling that lives  beneath your bones i know the madness that lives within your brain consuming your mind

like a virus craving chaos  and destruction holding the ability to take away your power to cultivate your own joy peace no longer lives with you or sits beside you

there is a type of emptiness that dwells in the pit of your stomach it makes you sick it forces you to feel weak you lose sleep because of this you’ve lost yourself because of this i may not know you by name but i know exactly how you feel i am familiar with the aches and the cracks that remain on display on the surface of your heart i know the hell of searching for angels where only devils dwell i know exactly how it feels to seek warmth during a cold, dark, emotional winter

i know enough about pain to know that things get better or maybe they actually don’t maybe, just maybe you get stronger you’ll get stronger

▪ ludicrum 3.

you only mattered when i cared but i learned to stop giving life to relationships that deserved to die and i decided to stop giving life to you 

▪ ludicrum 7.

my father was the first man to betray me he was also the first person to break my spirit

▪ like you, this moment.

There will be nights where you’ll struggle to sleep, you’ll reach for your phone, and your pain will bring you here, to this moment, these words. There will be nights where your soul will long for more and your mind will crave a peace that feels like freedom. There will be nights where you’ll grow weary of being kept awake by the thought of someone who no longer deserves to be on your mind, and in this moment, as you read these words, I hope you find the strength to remove yourself from a relationship with someone who doesn’t deserve to be the reason you can’t sleep, and I hope you realize that you are not alone because there are so many souls reading this while struggling to find rest.

Just like you . .

▪ ludicrum 11.

there are moments  where she feels as if   she’s falling apart she is unraveling

and yet she is still strong she is still powerful a silent awakening.

▪ there’s a type of freedom that lives in a space of solitude the mind is free to roam without seeking permission and in that moment you find yourself more available and readily able to choose yourself without feeling guilty or selfish

where there is solitude there is a deeper understanding and appreciation for peace and joy sometimes you have to be alone in order to discover what truly matters

▪ ludicrum 12.

you’ll be fine you’ll make it  not because of a man or a relationship you’ll get through this because you have yourself and right now you are everything you need and you have always been enough

▪ ludicrum 13.

It won’t be easy, it’ll be difficult, but this will be the year she finds herself. This will be the year she discovers the power and magic living beneath her bones. This will be the year where she begins to walk away from anything that no longer deserves her presence.

▪ rare, not many.

Women like you are hard to come by. Women like you are gems, rare diamonds hidden on the top of the highest mountains. There’s only a few of you in existence; there’s not many of you left. You have a fire in your soul that will never be put out and a heart consumed with a power strong enough to calm hurricanes. You deserve so much more than the mediocre bullshit that you’ve decided to settle for. You’re always providing, trying, and fighting. It’s time for someone to fight for you.

▪ sinking ships.

i think the silence replaced our screams we sat there preserving our energy for other things, maybe even other people we stopped touching each other

eye contact was obsolete as we continued to drift apart like a ship leaving the shore i wanted more and you deserved something different our friends tried to warn us but we never listened i think it went too far this time no more screaming no more yelling i think the silence replaced everything we knew before we were no longer willing  to fight for each other

▪ lack of lessons.

who taught you to settle for a love that wasn’t love  who failed you which parent failed you who in your family  decided to betray you by failing to teach you about the troubles in this world and the evil in men  now here you are an adult struggling to find yourself lost beneath the crumbling foundation that should have been made stronger by the people who raised you they failed you . . . 

▪ ludicrum 14.

she, a flower blooming under her own light and even when alone she had  everything she needed

▪ ludicrum 17.

the screams are usually silent hidden behind closed doors heavily guarded for fear of being judged all those dreadful emotions kept secret on pages of journals

afraid to speak about it so you write it down and this is how poetry is born

▪ too early, the heartache.

What do you say to a girl who becomes familiar with heartache before she’s legal enough to drink? What are words to a girl who is used to getting hurt by everyone claiming to care? All these young souls drowning in sadness before knowing how to swim. Trying to navigate this rugged terrain called life. Sadly, heartbreak arrives earlier than it should, but if there’s anything that I know for sure it is that the heartache transforms the broken girl into a powerful woman. I just wish the pain didn’t start so young. I just wish you had more time to comprehend what it means to be happy and maybe one day you will.

▪ ludicrum 18.

let yourself move on  to a better chapter it’s time to turn the page to a story worth reading

▪ one day too late.

Did you not see the way she looked into your eyes, as if your pupils held the answers to all of her questions? Did you not feel the way she held your hand tight, as if she was holding a bag filled with every promise ever made? This love was rare, heartfelt, and true. She was ready and willing to lay down her life for you, but it’s too bad you couldn’t see it. Blinded by flashes of attention by everyone who wasn’t her. You’ll understand when it’s too late. You’ll understand when you go searching for her replacement and you find out that she was the only one of her kind

▪ oh well.

You hate me for being able to articulate something that you struggle to find the words for. You are angry with me for having the ability to express the truths that others keep hidden with a smile. This is not your story, you don’t own the copyright to the pain I speak of, the heartache is universal, and I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but you’re not the only one hurting. Maybe you’re mad at me, or maybe you’re mad at the women who choose to read my words instead of yours.

needed me.

▪ i needed truth

i needed substance i needed passion  i needed love  i thought i needed you but turns out i only needed me because i was everything you couldn’t appreciate 

i was everything  you didn’t deserve and i’ll be everything for myself

ludicrum 19.

▪ sometimes nothing can stop the moon from witnessing the sun

▪ effort meant nothing.

i was always hurting myself to make sure you were good compromising my peace  just to entertain the chaos of loving you my heart bound by a one-sided love unsure of what to do paralyzed by lies struggling to move 

▪ the sad sister.

Your sick, sad sister slithers like snakes, saying sorry without meaning it. Filled with envy, she’s painted the color green. Pretending to love you the way a sister should but becoming overwhelmed with rage when you’re doing good. She wants to control you, but she can’t. She wants to be you, but she can’t. I think she swells up with hatred because she can’t fathom a world where you become more than she is, and yet she has to live in a world where you are greater than she expected you to be.

▪ forever never comes.

i’ve been standing here waiting for more of what you refuse to give more of what you promised more of what you’ve continued to deny me i’ve been standing here

waiting for the arrival of the person i thought you were i’ve been standing here

in the cold waiting for you to warm me up emotionally starving myself with this impossible hope that you’ll eventually change i’ve rearranged my entire life for you for nothing it seems my dreams are no longer dreams the thought of you

has become a dreadful nightmare as i stand here, staring into the abyss awaiting something that’ll never happen i stand here alone and empty waiting to be filled

by someone who has proven to be full of shit and though i should quit i’ve chosen not to walk away failing to realize that not giving up on you means giving up on myself i stand here waiting afraid, fearful of the unknown scared to move because what if you show up and what if you arrive as everything i wanted you to be it’s been days, now weeks, now years and i’m still standing, i’m still here

▪ ever-evolving.

Life evolves a bit faster when you’ve surrounded yourself with high-frequency people, individuals who push you to do more than you knew you were capable of. People who have chosen to do more, to be more and so they encourage those around them to do the same. Understanding this, I’ve chosen to remove the people from my life who have done nothing but fill me up with doubt, people who have knocked me down for wanting more than I was accustomed to having. I learned to keep my dreams out of the hands of those who preferred me living in a nightmare. I decided to walk away from everyone who appeared to be threatened by my smile. You are capable of changing your own life, but first you have to let go of the people who’d rather see you down than up.

▪ you, a mountain. do not let a world filled with criticism and judgment prevent you from being whatever you need to be don’t let the words from those who don’t matter corrupt your peace of mind do not allow them the power to force you into corners or uncomfortable spaces reserve and maintain the right to be happy despite all that’s happened take back your power and feel whatever it is

you need to feel in order to survive do not be threatened by hills when you yourself are a mountain do not fear the rain when you yourself are a beautiful storm of chances and hope with so much confusion.

Confused men are not worthy of your time. Their confusion is an insult to your existence. Why not have a partner who is sure about the way you make them feel and isn’t afraid to express it rather than be with a person who has grown content with pretending that they don’t want you? Claiming to miss you but never showing up. Claiming to love you but choosing to hurt your heart. Confused men are the muddy puddles of the earth; don’t let them stain your soul.

▪ you, a mountain. do not let a world filled with criticism and judgment prevent you from being whatever you need to be don’t let the words from those who don’t matter corrupt your peace of mind do not allow them the power to force you into corners or uncomfortable spaces reserve and maintain the right to be happy despite all that’s happened take back your power and feel whatever it is

you need to feel in order to survive do not be threatened by hills when you yourself are a mountain do not fear the rain when you yourself are a beautiful storm of chances and hope with so much con

▪ you’re just tired you’ve been brave but it’s time to choose yourself because they’re no longer choosing you

▪ The modern era of love feels like hatred and happiness have become a mask we wear to hide the sadness that thrives in our heart. Honesty has become a lost art, and loyalty seems to have vanished right before our eyes. I’ve seen people fall victim to empty promises and apologies from liars. I’ve watched hearts become crushed under the weight of hoping for things that’ll never come. I know what it means to reach for unclean hands and expect something pure. I know how it feels to feel all the right things for the wrong people. Too many games being played, too many moments gone to waste. Energy and trust misplaced, invested into those who will never be worth it or match your own value. I know what it means to be hurt in this era, and this is why I’ll never judge a guarded heart.

▪ she was nothing like they imagined she was more than they claimed she’d be

she fought on her own she meant everything to herself she took care of her own needs the unstoppable force.

▪ she was no princess her distress didn’t need your attention she was a warrior

fighting for herself and everything she deserved  she refused to allow others the ability to control her narrative she produced and published her own story and there was nothing anyone could do to stop her 

072288.

▪ I don’t judge people for wanting to disappear. So many of us are hiding, looking for an exit, eager to leave this all behind. I’ve been there too, and there are times where I struggle with this feeling, but I’ve fallen in love with life every time I fall for you.

so full.

▪ stop apologizing to people who have no problem with hurting your soul all this confusion the madness of saying sorry for feeling things that you deserve to feel 

things that you have a right to express apologizing to keep them happy  apologizing to keep people who no longer deserve to dwell within the walls 

of your heart  you shouldn’t have to suppress  your emotional truths for people who don’t give a fuck about you

▪ She was always amazing, she was nothing like you’d ever known. The way she smiled through the chaos, the way she held her own. Her soul was always divine, her heart concealed magic. Her entire existence was a constellation of stars burning the dark hue of the night sky. She was always this, but you could never see it. She had always been a poem that you failed to appreciate, and when you lost her, you lost a future filled with promise and progression. The lesson here is never chase copper when the woman who loves you is golden.

the ice is cracking.

▪ Life is too short to spend days on end dancing around the inconvenient truth. The romance you long for will never exist with this particular person. You’re chasing after a dream, avoiding a sickening reality. Your eyes have been closed while you wander upon thin ice, and it’s time that you wake up. It’s time to stop giving all of yourself to someone who gives nothing to you.

last call

▪ What if I told you that I was here the whole damn time? Waiting to be seen, eager to hold and love you but you were too busy chasing someone who wasn’t me. Searching for love in a relationship with someone who would rather make you hate yourself. I was here the whole time, but you were distracted, wasting your energy on someone too weak to appreciate you. The person you chose didn’t deserve you. The person you wanted was keeping you from noticing me, and ultimately you missed a real shot at happiness. All these fucking what-ifs . .  

All these missed opportunities to be loved

Because you’d rather put trust in a liar . . . 

▪ i wrote this for you.

Your heart is aching, but you pose and smile in Instagram photos, pretending to have the time of your life. Deep down you’re hurting, trying things and nothing’s working, but you’ve grown accustomed to acting like everything is perfect. You’re worth it, maybe you just forgot. Maybe you’re in like or in love with someone who treats you like you’re not. Maybe your heart has fallen into hands too weak to hold it. Maybe you are too proud, too bold, too embarrassed to show it. Your soul aches beneath the weight of all this emotional pain. Your soul continues to crack as you continue to act as if everything is okay, but nothing is okay and most of what is wrong is now buried beneath the lies you tell yourself and others.

I just wish you could see yourself in the light, but you’re used to this, being left in the dark. Standing in the middle of chaos, trying your hardest to keep it together. Clinging to that relationship that should end, still hoping for a forever. You deserve so much more, and deep down you know this. Open your eyes, stand up, please focus. Understand each and every word. You are the reason I wrote this.

exit here.

▪ All I wanted was for you to try. I was always asking for too much whenever I was asking you. Being made to feel needy by someone who didn’t need me. Believe me, I’ve gone back and forth with myself over all of this. Plotting ways to walk away in hopes of saving my own heart. Ripped apart by my own inability to see a life without you. Blind while with you, damp tissues next to the bed, I play back all the fucked-up things you said. Hurting my head while overthinking, sinking into a pit of all the shit I should forget. My greatest regret is that I didn’t leave sooner, couldn’t leave sooner. I let you trample upon my dreams, tearing me at the seams. Your love was never what it seemed or what you made it out to be. I believed lies wrapped in paper labeled “truth.” My life filled with drama the moment I gave my heart to you. Emotional abuse and plenty of excuses, hanging on your every word like several criminals in nooses. And now my soul is screaming, can you hear it? Will you listen? I can’t take this shit anymore, I found the door, fuck it, I’m finished.