She Felt Like Feeling Nothing by R.H. Sin (Notes)

◆ scene one.

▪ and i know somewhere you agree this is the hardest lesson learned thought it was cool to play with fire but no one warned you that it’d burn now all the promises were broken you cut yourself on shards of lies smiling in every selfie

but inside you scream and cry now what’s a heart to do when it aches black and blue

◆ scene two.

▪ searching for yourself lost in a forest of misfortune and betrayal you could yell and wake up the sun and yet you sit silently in the darkness in deep thought like a daydream that occurs at night i wonder where you wander when you look into the moon

◆ scene three.

▪ scene three. she felt like feeling nothing cold like a touch of winter empty like the wine bottles that took up space in her room a summer of mistakes led her here a bed filled with loneliness and a heart tired of breaking she felt like feeling nothing she grew tired missing you

◆ scene seven.

▪ scene seven. midnight has been harsh to her heart betrayed by her own mind

the soul of a woman damaged by the person she should have never loved overthinking herself into a version of hell tonight she fights struggling to survive but somehow on this night she’ll overcome her troubles

◆ scene eight.

▪ scene eight. she realized that wanting him meant losing herself she realized that she couldn’t save her own soul because her hands were too busy holding the hand of someone who no longer deserved her energy

◆ scene nine.

▪ scene nine. sometimes you just have to let go of certain people in order to make room for something beautiful to enter your life

◆ scene ten.

▪ scene ten. save yourself for yourself right now only you deserve you

◆ scene eleven.

 ▪ scene eleven. i hope you stop caring when they do i hope you walk away  because they will i hope you know that you’ll be fine  and they’ll regret losing a woman like you

◆ scene thirteen.

▪ scene thirteen. who were you before you decided to let the world dictate who you’d become sure enough you’ve always been beautiful and yet you’ve struggled to see this because society took your truth then replaced it with lies i wish you knew just how remarkable you arei wish you knew just how amazing you already were before the world told you who you should be

◆ scene fifteen.

▪ scene fifteen. she walked through the fire wearing nothing but a smile because she knew damn well that she’d bring her demons to their knees

◆ scene seventeen.

▪ scene seventeen. fight for her while she still gives a fuck because one day you’ll be too late

◆ scene eighteen.

▪ scene eighteen. i think there are times where you miss the version of yourself who never knew what it meant to feel betrayed

◆ scene nineteen.

▪ scene nineteen. in you are poems that aren’t meant to be read by everyone

◆ scene twenty.

▪ scene twenty. she was more than they could ever comprehend she was more than she knew

◆ scene twenty-one.

▪ scene twenty-one. you are more than what you appear to be you are more than your exterior there’s so much more to you than the surface

◆ scene twenty-two.

▪ scene twenty-two. you were golden before him you’ll be golden after 

◆ scene twenty-three.

▪ scene twenty-three. i think you outgrew them your heart finally realized that being happy meant letting go

◆ scene twenty-four.

 ▪ scene twenty-four. look at you . . . a heart filled with scars a soul that’s been aching and yet somehow you manage to smile

◆ scene twenty-five.

▪ scene twenty-five. a good heart with the right love falling for all the wrong people

◆ scene twenty-six.

▪ scene twenty-six. two flowers growing in opposite directions a friendship ending

◆ scene thirty-one.

▪ scene thirty-one. the best revenge is realizing that you never needed the person who hurt you

◆ scene thirty-two.

▪ scene thirty-two. can’t argue with silence it never speaks back be silent when others no longer deserve your words

◆ scene thirty-three. 

▪ scene thirty-three. you can’t plant yourself in unhealthy relationships and expect roses to grow

◆ scene thirty-six.

▪ scene thirty-six. my dear you must learn to walk away from anyone who no longer appreciates your presence

◆ scene thirty-seven.

▪ scene thirty-seven. don’t betray yourself just to protect those who never protect you

◆ scene thirty-eight.

▪ scene thirty-eight. the sun doesn’t feel the same as it used to i’ve been hiding from its light in search of a shade that’ll keep my secrets from the rest of the  world i used to smile listening to the birds chirping outside my window but now their melodies sound like chaos to my ears small animalistic reminders of how happier everything else is outside of myself and how sad i’ve become on a morning where i should be happy to be alive but i’m not my whole life has been about waiting always waiting, always hanging on to the tomorrows of today or trying to figure out how to survive the aches of yesterday my past has been riddled with riddles that i can’t solve and even though i’m used to this struggle i’m still fighting to evolve the rain falls from within overflowing internally i’m drowning, slowly consumed by the sadness of it all and somehow living in this moment feels like dying all the same

◆ still mourning.

▪ still mourning. and you’re here your heart breaking your weary eyes staring at the words on this page you’re in search of something that’ll calm the chaos that lives within your mind you’re just searching for something to ease the aches that reside in your heart your pain has brought you here the hurt that dwells in your bones has brought you here to me

i see you i hear you i feel you i understand you should be proud of yourself bending without breaking  falling but finding the strength to pick yourself up from a pit filled with broken hearts and dreams dismantled by the lies of those incapable of being honest

your softness is not a weakness your kindness is your strength give all of the things that they’ve taken for granted to yourself because right now more than  anything you deserve you it’s time to love yourself

◆ after them. 

▪ after them.it hurts because you cared more than you should have it hurts because your heart is brave enough to love unconditionally don’t be afraid of the hurt don’t run away from the pain in the midst of chaos you’ll cultivate peace after the destruction you’ll rebuild yourself

◆ thank you love.

▪ thank you love. i know you you’re the girl with a smile on her face and sadness in her eyes you’re the girl refusing to let life break you you’re the girl who always survives you’re the one who inspired these words and so i thank God for you

◆ July 9th 2017.

▪ July 9th 2017. and for so long she had no clue that all this time she was always saving herself

◆ all the mighty.

▪ all the mighty. powerful women are tired of trying for lovers who never try for them

◆ asking the night.

▪ thinking to myself how could i ever fall for someone too weak to catch me how could i love someone so empty

◆ for once.

▪ for once. i waited and waited the moments passed slow and time slowly faded like color placed in bleach second and optional second and often last  sometimes never picked at all my pain transformed into anger i waited and waited until i couldn’t anymore and there was nothing left for me to hold on to you lost me i lost nothing

▪ there is nothing wrong with the feet of a woman who would rather walk toward peace than run to the middle of chaos

▪ a hymn for her a melody for the soul

◆ hymn two.

▪ hymn two. one day you’ll grow tired of loving people who don’t love you back

◆ hymn three.

▪ hymn three. a man who is unsure about the way he feels for you is unworthy of a space in your heart

◆ hymn four.

▪ hymn four. stop chasing things that make you lose yourself

◆ hymn five.

▪ hymn five. he never told her why but somehow she always knew

◆ hymn seven.

▪ hymn seven. all of my mistakes were people who were never what they promised to be

◆ hymn nine.

▪ hymn nine. you are something that someone has been waiting their entire life for

◆ hymn ten.

▪ hymn ten. her lips didn’t have to move her silence told the story of a woman who reached a breaking point and was no longer willing to fight for someone who didn’t deserve her effort

◆ hymn eleven.

▪ hymn eleven. you can’t always see it but she’s fighting something she’s at war within herself and she refuses to be defeated

◆ hymn twelve.

▪ hymn twelve. not all darkness is bad evil things can travel in the light

◆ hymn eighteen.

▪ hymn eighteen. you have to be brave sweetheart courage looks good on you

◆ hymn nineteen.

▪ hymn nineteen. you’ve hidden so much of what you’ve felt in the corners of your heart refusing to open up out of fear of being hurt again

◆ hymn twenty-two.

 ▪ hymn twenty-two. she is music there are melodies inside of her that most people don’t deserve to hear

◆ hymn twenty-three.

▪ hymn twenty-three. understand that you tried your best  and that will always be enough even when others are incapable of appreciating it

◆ hymn twenty-four.

▪ hymn twenty-four. don’t be his second option  don’t be the one he calls when no one else answers

◆ hymn twenty-six.

▪ hymn twenty-six. solitude is a deep romance with self 

◆ hymn thirty.

▪ hymn thirty. you must awaken your own strength you have the power to create power

◆ November falls into winter.

▪ November falls into winter. beneath the chill in my soul and the overcrowding of my mind is a heart that is both afraid and willing to be loved i shake like earthquakes trembling like the weakest spine i fall like raindrops or leaves that belong to trees in November remember, i am a creature who has been broken

by the hands of past loves understand that i am hurting still trying to recover

still trying to rebuild standing still, afraid to move forward and yet i desire to put distance between myself and what lives behind me i’m fighting to put distance 

between an awful past and a tough present as i struggle to look toward a future in which i’m happy

◆ your sister I.

▪ your sister I. she’s your enemy and yet she’s your sister bound by blood altered by jealousy

◆ your sister II.

▪ your sister II. she’s the color green still managing to see red while watching you evolve into everything she’d eventually envy family is just a word until those with certain titles give purpose to those labels and it just so happens that your sister

would rather play against you than cheer for you as you chase after your dreams

could it be that your ability to rise right before her eyes has completely twisted her up with rage growing on the inside overflowing with the poison of jealousy noticeably spilling from her no longer able to keep hidden by fake smiles and empty compliments

◆ fractured hands.

▪ fractured hands. you’re going to hurt yourself holding on to the same hand

that pushes you closer to heartache 

◆ you are here now.

▪ you are here now. she kept her eyes on the pages of this book searching for something to calm the rage that found its way into her soul not knowing that the only thing worth finding was herself and this very page these words were just a reminder

◆ you are her, i know.

▪ you are her, i know. what a deadly feeling it must be to fall heart-first into a space next to someone incapable of loving you the way you deserve and how terrible it must be to find it difficult to walk away from someone you shouldn’t stay with

◆ half love, half hurtful.

▪ half love, half hurtful. love doesn’t feel like love when one-sided love falls short of love when it isn’t reciprocated and though we may act as if this half love, this half hurtful sort of thing is a love that we can deal with we later find ourselves feeling empty and the worst feeling is feeling nothing when all you want is to feel loved to love and not be loved in return is the most destructive kind of love

that type of love is a love that causes us to lose love for ourselves

◆ too young, so young.

▪ too young, so young. 15 or maybe it was 16 possibly younger your hunger for attention while being ignored by those who helped create you 15 or maybe it was 16 possibly younger the hunger of male counterparts watching you like prey

reaching for your father’s hand while some young man destroyed your heart

searching for your mother’s voice but the silence sits in the air while you claim to love someone who never truly cared too young  too hurt 15 or maybe it was 16

◆ these were her memories.

▪ she gave you everything her entire life force her soul’s energy  invested in a space that would provide her with nothing in return she became a walking  skeleton a dead soul, fighting to live in the memory of who she was all because she tried to love you

◆ the raising of self.

▪ the raising of self. a child a young soul an innocent heart forced to raise yourself

in a world content with misunderstanding you a child a young soul an innocent heart in need of guidance and so you reached for your own hand because others

have failed you

◆ a voiceless child.

▪ a voiceless child. no one hears you no matter how much you scream you yell into an empty well your echoes sound like silence to those who refuse to listen

you suffocate beneath the weight of your adolescence your opinions are weightless because those opinions come from the child and sadly no one listens to the kids

◆ 3:13:13a.m.

▪ 3:13:13a.m. no matter what you do no matter how hard you try sometimes no amount of effort can prevent you from losing the people you wish to keep

◆ isn’t enough.

▪ isn’t enough. sometimes being loving doesn’t get you love and being kind

doesn’t bring you kindness being who you are being all that you are will never be enough for someone who isn’t good enough for you

◆ preferred solitude, alone.

▪ preferred solitude, alone. misplaced several times then discarded like a piece of  paper that ran out of space it’s unfortunate but somehow you were fortunate to survive the anguish, the betrayal, the chaos and the lies there’s still a part of you that resents the part of yourself that cared for all the people who never cared

about you reaching out to them when they never reached out to you saying the phone works both ways but no one reaches out to you trying, failed try again, fail some more until you realized that it was time to only reach for yourself you became everything they were incapable of becoming you are everything they will never be and even still, it hurts the understanding that being alone is best and loneliness is what you now prefer

◆ your family, not family.

▪ your family, not family. they always seem to return when all the hard work is  finished they add nothing to the journey but bumps and bruises and yet they wait for you at the finish line with their hands open expecting to be greeted with kindness even when they’ve spent most of their energy being unkind toward you. taking credit for what you’ve done alone. taking credit for your joy when all they’ve ever done

was hurt you

◆ reaching into nothingness.

▪ reaching into nothingness. you’re trying but they rarely make an effort to match whatever energy you’ve invested in the action of maintaining their interest you’ve been fighting this battle alone you’ve been fighting to keep someone who has yet

to fight for you these wars are the most painful of all these battles are usually the loneliest reaching for the same hand that bruises you reaching for the same hand

that refuses to reach back in a sense, you are reaching into a pit of darkness a great hole of nothingness without realizing that the void in your soul cannot be filled with the presence of an absentminded individual

◆ it began there.

▪ and in the midst of feeling weak and in the moment of hoping for help you realized that you alone have been doing this by yourself

◆ 5:38:10a.m.

▪ 5:38:10a.m. i think you’re just this beautiful misfit nothing wrong with being  different in search of something real in search of someone who will listen 

someone who will care someone who will stay a love that brings you closer

a love that never strays i think it’s beautiful the way you fight for what you want

the kind of woman who isn’t afraid to request what she deserves i think you’re something rare out of sorts, far from ordinary strong-minded, big heart

willing to do the necessary i know it’s been tough this search for love will break you down and i apologize on behalf of any man who has let you down

◆ the noise in my head.

▪ the noise in my head. it’s like waking up from a good dream and forcing yourself

back to sleep in hopes of picking up where you left off only to discover that you can’t go back and no matter how hard you try it’ll never be the same

◆ weak and worn.

▪ don’t let them play you like notes

◆ 4:54:44p.m.

▪ 4:54:44p.m. it happens too much the doing of so much for someone who makes you feel like your everything is never enough

◆ broken fuse.

▪ broken fuse. aren’t you tired of being this tired your love taken for granted your heart continuously aching all for a love that isn’t love all for someone who gives you nothing

◆ it rains in her.

▪ it rains in her. it’s always raining there her heart swells with sadness the joy of this world escapes her grasp maybe this is why she holds on to things that never last just to feel like she has something even though that something is the nothing that makes her feel empty i think there’s a part of me that aches for her a part of me that wishes that i could touch her hand maybe hold it once just to remind her

that everything will be fine