The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down: How to Be Calm and Mindful in a Fast-Paced World by Haemin Sunim (Notes)

The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down: How to Be Calm and Mindful in a Fast-Paced World by Haemin Sunim (Notes)

 the world is experienced according to the state of one’s mind

If we look at it more closely, we see it’s not the situation that is troubling us, but our perspective on it.

When you have an unpleasant feeling, don’t grab hold of it and turn it over and over. Instead, leave it alone so it can flow. The wave of emotion will naturally recede on its own as long as you don’t feed it by dwelling on it.

Stress, irritation, and anger can temporarily cloud the sky, but they can never pollute it. Negative emotions come and go like clouds, but the wide-open sky remains.

Do memories cause you pain? Practice being in the present moment. Turn your attention to the here and now. Notice that your thoughts subside when you focus on the present. As your thoughts quiet, so, too, the memories. Because memories are, in essence, thoughts.

When people sense a negative emotion coming on, their first impulse is to control it so that they do not feel overwhelmed or threatened by it. If they can, they would like to get rid of it immediately or flee from it; they rarely think it merits deeper understanding. This is probably why people use such expressions as “managing anger” or “overcoming hatred” instead of “befriending your emotion.”

When you try to understand something, it’s often most effective to set aside your preconceptions and observe it quietly so that the object of your examination reveals what needs to be understood. 

As the spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti said, pure attention without judgment is not only the highest form of human intelligence, but also the expression of love. Observe the changing energy both attentively and lovingly as it unfolds in the space of your mind.

Rather than getting caught in the emotion without any self-awareness, you are inquiring and then feeling what is there. As you get better at it, you will realize that the negative emotion is not a fixed reality. It naturally emerges and retreats within the space of your awareness, regardless of your will. Once you awaken to this truth, you will not be swayed by negative emotions and can regard them as a passing cloud instead of identifying with them as a defining part of your self. Do not fight your negative emotions. Observe and befriend them.

Humility is a sign of inner strength and wisdom. When you swallow your pride, real communication becomes possible. We can finally hear each other and eventually solve our problems.

When someone tells you, “No,” don’t react emotionally and lose control. “No” may open up a surprising new world to you. “No” may unexpectedly lead you to good people. If you begin to push back against the unchangeable “No,” you will suffer in the process and miss other opportunities.

Rather than getting annoyed, just do it and let it go. Do not turn something trivial into a major source of agony by wasting time and energy thinking about it endlessly.

If I had to summarize the entirety of most people’s lives in a few words, it would be endless resistance to what is. As we resist, we are in constant motion trying to adjust, and yet we still remain unhappy about what is.

Do not try to control those around you. When you cannot control even your own mind, what makes you think you can control others?

Do not lament that the world has changed. Do not resent that people have changed. Evaluating the present through the memories of the past can cause sadness. Whether you like it or not, change is inevitable. Embrace and welcome it.

Feelings are often born from a matrix of conditions beyond your control. Just like you can’t control the weather, or your boss’s mood, you can’t control the feelings in your body. They are just passing through, like clouds in the sky. They, too, dissipate on their own.

But if you take them too seriously and start internalizing them as part of your identity, then you will resuscitate them every time you think about the past. Remember that you are neither your feelings nor the story your mind tells about you to make sense of them. You are the vast silence that knows of their emergence and their disappearance.

Do not try to get rid of your thoughts—it won’t work. Instead, witness the emergence of a thought. Witness the disappearance of a thought. The moment you become aware of it, the mind quiets and becomes clear.

If you wish to clear away the clouds of your thoughts, simply keep your mind in the present. The clouds of thought linger only in the past or the future. Bring your mind to the present, and your thoughts will rest.

Our consciousness often does not know what our subconscious wants. We think we want something, but when we get it, we realize we wanted something else. When you wish to hear the voice of your subconscious, try meditation. Meditation opens a secret path to your subconscious.

Life is like theater. You are assigned a role. If you don’t like the role, keep in mind that you have the power to re-create the role you want.

The toll of a bell is heard far and wide only when the bell is struck hard. Your influence won’t spread far without the sacrifice of hard work. The world notices your efforts more quickly than you think.

If you want to predict how a politician will act after winning an election, look at how he currently lives and how he has behaved in the past. A person does not live the way he says he would. He lives the way he has been living.

Historically, the people who bring about change in society tend to be not the middle-aged but the passionate youth. Their hearts are sensitive to the plight of the oppressed. Their spirits stand tall against injustice and fight for the voiceless.

Hold on to that youthful heart and spirit no matter how old you are. Everyone is kind to someone they meet for the first time. The question is how long their kindness lasts. Don’t be fooled just because someone is nice to you at first.

When hiring, look beyond skills and experience to see if the candidate knows how to enjoy her job. People who enjoy their work are usually more successful than those who don’t.

No matter what we do, the top button of our business must be fastened properly. If we think, “I’ll just do it this way for now and fix it later,” it usually does not happen, because later we may not have the motivation to fix it, or we just get used to the way it is.

It is like moving into a house and deciding to fix it up over time. Even after many years, we never get around to fixing it up. We end up just living with the way things are for a long time.

When you are making a decision, try to assess how many people it will benefit. If it satisfies only your ego and unnecessarily hurts many, then it is the wrong decision.

Be the kind of person who can put yourself in someone else’s shoes and understand something not just from your own perspective but from theirs as well.

Are you trying to get closer to someone? Is it because you want something from him? If you wish to be truly close, then discard your ulterior motives. When you are genuinely kind, without an agenda, then others will more readily open up to you.

Some people are generous and kind to those outside their circle while neglecting the needs of those within it. It is a mistake to take family and close colleagues for granted. When those closest to you feel ignored and betrayed, everything you have built can collapse in an instant.

We must ask whether it was worthwhile if we make each other feel unhappy or hurt in the name of defending our beliefs. 

Maturity comes with experience. One lesson of maturity is that we should not take our thoughts too seriously, and must learn to curb our ego and see the bigger picture.

Instead of being the smartest person in the room, quick to critique others, be the warmhearted friend, bringing people together and sharing things. Be the sensitive neighbor, capable of feeling the suffering of others.

If I want to convince someone, I first listen attentively and try to understand them. Even if I am right, they won’t be convinced until they feel heard and respected.

Many conflicts in our lives can be resolved if we put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. Try to look at things from her point of view. If you consider only your side, you are no different from a child.

Being a critic is easy. But if the critic tries to run the operation, he soon understands that nothing is as easy as his criticisms. Criticism without a solution is merely an inflation of the critic’s ego.

When you hear something that makes your blood boil, don’t shoot off a text or an e-mail right away. A wise person sleeps on it. An instant emotional reaction often leads to a regrettable outcome.

It is easy to make people feel special. People usually prefer talking to listening. Ask many open-ended questions and listen with genuine interest. They will feel flattered by your attention, and even like you.

A powerful person is often surrounded by only yes-men, helping their boss feel important and exceptional. If the people around you always agree with you, they are probably opportunists, not loyalists.

When a question has both a long, complicated, but logical-sounding answer and a simple answer that can be understood by even a child, the right answer is usually the simple one.

When you ask a question and there is no response, then that is the answer.

There are only those who know their shortcomings and those who do not. Nobody is perfect. Everyone has shortcomings.

If someone looks perfect, then that is because you don’t know the person very well.

“Don’t try to make it perfect. Instead, make it interesting!” —AN INTERIOR DESIGNER’S ADVICE

Do you want to be happy, or do you want to appear happy? Never mind what the world tells you to do to be happy. Be truthful to yourself and discover what you really want.

Choose happiness, not success, as your life’s goal. If you become successful but aren’t happy, then what is the point?

What do you do after proving that they were wrong? If you want to truly succeed, don’t use anyone else’s yardstick.

Meaningful praise is from someone in the same field as you. It is worth praise from ten or more people outside your field.

Professionals have their talents and areas of expertise. If a client tries to control and monitor every detail, the professional cannot work at full capacity and feels inhibited. If you want the best result, watch with interest but know when to back off.

A veteran doctor, lawyer, or accountant won’t necessarily provide better service than the passionate young professional who has been in the field only a few years. The amount of attention you get is often more important than the professional’s illustrious career history.

After mastering eighteen levels of kung fu, you can hurt someone with the flick of a finger. But if you go on to master all thirty-six levels, you choose to retreat when the weak foolishly come to fight.

Are you moving up? Are you doing well? Then see whether you are succeeding at the expense of others, or along with others. If you shove others aside on the way to success, then you will be pulled under once the tide changes.

According to the Buddhist scripture The Treatise on the King of Treasures Samadhi, “Do not expect others to follow your way. When things always go your way, it is easy to become arrogant.” As we experience adversity in our lives, we mature and become more understanding. Just remember that the person who has made your life difficult today could be an undercover teacher sent from above, tasked with your spiritual growth.

Speak from your heart, which is tender, simple, and true. People will understand you, and like you.

If you think you are either superior or inferior to someone, an invisible wall goes up between you. Treat him like an old friend you haven’t seen in a while. When you let your guard down, so will he.

Do you know why that conversation is so boring? Because we are trapped in politeness, unable to speak from the heart. Any conversation can become interesting and lively as soon as we start speaking with real honesty.

When someone swears at you, stay calm and collected for thirty seconds. Then, that is the end of it. But if you fight back and demand, “What is your problem?” you will have to spend more time with that unhappy person.

People say hurtful things because they themselves have been hurt. When you encounter someone prickly and malicious, think about what kind of miserable situation he must be in. If he is too much, and you don’t have time, just whisper, “Bless you,” and move on.

When you criticize someone, see if you are doing so out of envy. Your criticism reveals more about yourself than you realize. Even if you are correct, people still may find you unappealing.

If you wish to communicate effectively with others, better to describe what you are feeling rather than go on the offensive. For instance, say, “I am very sad to hear that,” not, “Why do you always make me sad?” You want people to hear you rather than have to defend themselves from you.

When you are disappointed, don’t wait too long to say so. When you bottle up your feelings, the river of emotion swells, making it difficult to cross over and speak calmly.

Do you have a lot of enemies? Then be humble and stop speaking ill of people. Those who do not make enemies are more powerful than those who have the strength to fight them all and win.

When you speak ill of others, it hurts you more than anyone— because your negativity is loudest within you. 

No matter how hurt you are, you don’t need to have the last word. The last word can obliterate even the good memories. Although things have changed, is it necessary to discard all your memories, especially the happy ones?

When blinded by anger, we make choices we later regret. Leaving the room before the bridge is burned is a sign of maturity.

The best way to get even with someone who has left you is to meet someone new and become happy again. Plotting for revenge and remaining jealous after many years is a formula for endless misery.

He complains about her behind her back. She, without knowing anything, approaches him and says the kindest words. The best revenge is love.

Even the most beautiful music gets tiresome if I listen to it constantly. But if I listen to it after some time away, it becomes wonderful again. The problem is not the music itself. It is my relationship with it.

There is a saying in an early Buddhist scripture: “Paper wrapped around incense smells of incense, and string binding fish smells of fish.” Whether we like it or not, we naturally become influenced by our surroundings. Ask yourself, “Who do I want to emulate? Is that person physically or mentally nearby?”

If we help someone in the hope of getting something in return, this is not giving but lending. True giving is done without expecting anything in return. It also means we relinquish control over what we have given.

When conversation turns to someone’s flaws, try not to participate and gently redirect the conversation. When we speak too much, it is easy to speak ill of someone. So when you feel talkative, just be mindful.

When you are asked to do something, determine if you can do it. If you cannot, then decline as soon as possible, the way in a restaurant you would send back the wrong order. If you don’t send it back immediately, you will have to pay for it.

There is a reason people flock to certain individuals. They are warm, nurturing, and magnanimous. They are generous with their time, money, and compliments. If you try to lead people only by stressing rules and principles, they will leave you, one by one. A good leader knows this, and thus tries to cultivate virtue.

According to the wise Confucian scholar Jeong Yak-yong (1762–1836): “The best way to hide your wealth is to give it away. If you are generous with your wealth, the money that would have disappeared sooner or later becomes an everlasting jewel, deeply engraved in the heart of the recipient.”

The air I inhale enters my body and becomes part of me. The air that I exhale moves into someone else and becomes part of her.

Just by looking at how the air moves, we realize we are all connected to one another, not just figuratively but also literally.

“Whether we like it or not, we are all connected, and it is unthinkable to be happy all by oneself.” —HIS HOLINESS THE DALAI LAMA*

The whole universe is contained in an apple wedge in a lunch box.

Apple tree, sunlight, cloud, rain, earth, air, farmer’s sweat are all in it. Delivery truck, gas, market, money, cashier’s smile are all in it. Refrigerator, knife, cutting board, mother’s love are all in it. Everything in the whole universe depends on one another. Now, think about what exists in you. The whole universe is in us.

The person who betrayed you and left, the person who stole from you and disappeared, the person who stabbed you in the back and acted as if nothing happened—forgive them.

Not for them, but for your own sake—truly, completely, for yourself. Not because they deserve your forgiveness; not because they are only human.

Forgive them.

So you can be free. So you can be happy. So you can go on living your life.

It won’t be easy, and it will feel unjust. A sudden gush of anger may pass through you. Tears of bitterness may roll down your face. Allow those feelings to surface, and let them be. Treat them kindly, with your compassionate heart.

After honoring your tears, ask yourself softly: “Do I want to keep carrying this resentment in my heart? Do I want to live as a victim forever?”

When you feel ready, muster your courage and make up your mind. Although your heart won’t listen to your mind’s decision, resolve to forgive and to free yourself from emotional bondage.

And then revisit your feelings of anger and bitterness. Give them your full permission to express themselves. How do those feelings manifest in your body? Do they become tense muscles, a rapid heartbeat, flushed skin? Do they emerge as shallow breathing, as pressure in your chest?

Let the waves of sensations surface and recede. Attend to the sensations moving through your body.

When the waves become a bit calmer, look deeply and see what is beneath them. Are there any hidden emotions beneath the anger and bitterness?

Do you see fear, shame, or grief? Is there loneliness and insecurity? Rather than drowning in them, observe them.

As your heart becomes more tender and open, turn your attention toward the aggressor. Can you look beneath that person’s mask and feel what is underneath such violence and dishonesty?

Can you sense his fear, insecurity, and unworthiness? Can you feel loneliness or shame under the surface? Rather than surrendering to him, observe him compassionately.

Inside of us there is a steep mountain of fear and a deep river of grief. But there is also the compassionate eye witnessing your inner landscape. May you find your inner witness, the source of freedom and healing.

When we hate someone, we think about him a lot. Unable to let him go, we gradually begin to act like him.

Don’t let him become a long-term tenant of the heart. Evict him right away with a notice of forgiveness.

Does the person you hate deserve to be carried around in your heart? Keep in your heart only those who love you. If you carry around with you people you hate, it causes only angst and depression.

In your relationships, assume you will need to give more than you receive. We remember so well what we have done for others but easily forget what others have done for us. Even if you feel you are owed a little, it’s likely you have received close to what you have given.

Humans are like mirrors: We reflect each other.

When a wise person wants something from others, she first does what she desires from them, exemplifying rather than asking for it.

If you want a friend to remember your birthday, remember hers first. If you want your husband to give you a massage, give him a massage first. If you want your children to watch less TV, turn off your TV first. Don’t just wait for what you want to happen. Act first.

The wise man ducks his head when someone swings at him. If he swings back just because he was swung at, he will be seen as the aggressor and fail to win people’s hearts. Although it may seem unjust, refraining from reacting out of anger shows true character.

People turn sullen over a trivial emotional matter, and then attack the person later with an unrelated but logical-sounding pretext.

When you lower yourself, the world elevates you. When you elevate yourself, the world lowers you. When you arrive at the peak of enlightenment, you will understand: Your peak is the same height as your neighbor’s. At the peak, you see everyone’s holiness.

When you keep clashing with someone, it may be the world’s way of asking you to look closely at yourself. When you don’t like someone, try to figure out what it is you don’t like; see whether you have a similar flaw within yourself.

The flaw that you immediately notice in someone you meet is probably a flaw of yours, too. If you didn’t have it, you wouldn’t have noticed it so quickly.

No one is inherently good or bad. Only the circumstance in which we encounter each other is good or bad. A criminal who happens to stop a car from running over me is an angel sent by God. A Nobel Peace Prize winner who happens to bump into me on the subway is a jerk.

In a gathering of seven or eight people, we will surely meet one or two who like us a lot and one or two who are not that fond of us. Don’t take it personally; this is just the way of the world.

Let people have their own opinions— they are entitled to them. It is when you want to change their opinion problems arise. This is not only impossible and futile but also unnecessary. How boring would the world be if everyone thought exactly the same way? When you grant people freedom, you will find yours, too.

What is the use of someone carrying a designer handbag when her behavior lacks the same refinement? The more you try to change your spouse, children, or friends, the more difficult and strained your relationships become. People do not change easily, unless they suffer tremendous hardship or have a life-altering experience.

I was once told by a Buddhist master that there are two kinds of children in the world: those born to repay the kindness of their parents, and those born only to take what their parents have. Ask yourself: Which kind of a son or daughter are you to your parents?

When you think your spouse won’t change and you worry how you will live the rest of your life together, ask yourself: Am I perfect in my spouse’s eyes?

When faced with a problem in a relationship, it will never be solved if you begin by asking, “Why can’t he understand me?” or “Why won’t he just do what I say?” It is because this approach begins with a demand.

Instead, begin by asking, “What is it that makes him unhappy and feel misunderstood?” or “What past experience is making him respond in this way?” When you begin with the intention of understanding him, your heart is released from the prison of your views and opens up to feel his pain.

People who easily ignore others do so because they are afraid of being ignored.

Why can’t you trust that friend? Because you know all too well that you, too, are capable of lying in a similar circumstance.

What makes us truly happy is meeting someone who accepts us for who we are. Even if we are successful, we can still feel inadequate and insecure if we are made to believe that something is wrong with us.

According to some psychologists, happiness can be assessed with two simple questions. First, do you find meaning in your work? Second, do you have good relationships with those around you?

Are you lonely because you are alone?

If you feel lonely, think of the angel on your shoulder and be grateful that you are cared for.

We live among countless relations: family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc. Life is good when these relationships are good. Being happy by yourself doesn’t last long.

For spiritual practitioners, relationships are the final test. Even if you have awakened to your enlightened nature, there is still further to go in your spiritual journey if you’re not living harmoniously with others.

how Gibran described his love in this following simple, yet elegant, sentence: Demonstrations of love are small, compared with the great thing that is hidden behind them.*

But, as everyone knows, love does not arrive just because you want it to, or think you are ready for it. In fact, elusiveness seems to be the nature of love: The harder you try to grasp it, the further away it remains.

When love finds you, it consumes you; everything else becomes unimportant.

If you look for love, in pursuit of what it can give you, it will hide itself. If you ask love to arrive because you are now ready, it will skip your door.

Love is like an uninvited guest. Love will come when it wants to. Love will leave when you ask more of it.

If you attempt to find a love that meets certain criteria, your new love may also make certain demands of you. Drop your demands quickly when love knocks on your door.

Love is warm and freeing. It is innocent, like a child without a hidden agenda.

We can determine how close we are to someone by asking, “Can I act like a little kid in front of that person?” When we love someone, we feel like a little kid in our heart.

When I began looking for my first teaching job, I thought it was similar to going out on a date. I might like it, but it might not like me. Or it might like me, but I might not like it.

To cook something delicious, you need time for the ingredients to marinate. To build a lasting relationship, you need time for trust to develop.

When you are dating, temper your enthusiasm. You may ask, “What is wrong with expressing my honest feelings? Why can’t I give her a gift and tell her I love her?” Your words and gifts will mean more to her when she is ready. Love her, not your feelings.

Love needs to be balanced. If you like him more than he likes you, give him time and space to catch up. It is important to hold back your emotions when your feelings are not in balance with his.

Anger for no reason could be the expression of a crush.

In elementary school I met a tall girl who made fun of me. Later I learned she was doing it to get my attention. That was my first insight into the complexities of human psychology.

One of the worst feelings is to believe that you don’t matter. Look around you. Have you intentionally or unintentionally ignored anyone?

Only when we are hurt do we think of someone whom we have hurt and feel true remorse.

The end of a relationship reveals what we are made of. Move away, just one step, from your stubbornness and anger. That one step is more significant than ten steps when things are fine. It will diminish your pain and rescue you from insanity.

The heart is slower than the mind. The mind knows you must part ways, but your heart does not. This is because your feelings are settled deeper in your heart.

When one day, after many days of disappointment, your partner deals the final blow, the light finally dims in your heart.

Fallen gingko nuts are like a failed relationship. Once so lovely hanging from the tree, they emit a stink as they are crushed underfoot. Be as gentle in ending a relationship as you were in starting it.

Proof of having really loved: You do not speak ill of your ex even after your relationship has ended.

Sometimes, after a relationship is over, you catch yourself thinking, “I hope she is happy,” without bitterness. This is a sign you have moved on.

Pain caused by one person can be healed by another. But before you go out to meet someone new, make sure to give yourself time to be whole again. Otherwise you may end up using the new person you meet.

An exceptional relationship is not one with a good beginning but one with a good ending. Relationships often begin accidentally, but when it comes to ending them, we usually have choices. Choose the ending wisely.

No matter how famous or beautiful one is, no matter how much money or power one has, no matter how many wonderful accomplishments one has had, we all have our share of setbacks, heartbreak, and loss. We have to face challenges we have no control over. Loneliness and the fear of death will accompany us to our final days. Everyone is on the same treacherous journey of life’s tainted glory.

Without love, our lives would pass us by in the blink of an eye. Love has the power to stop the world for a moment.

Love makes the world look beautiful. When there is love, there is beauty.

When love is drying up in your life, look for the beauty around you. That is where love can be found.

You are beautiful not because you are better than others but because there is only you who can smile like that. May you fall in love with your unique self.

One summer night, I look up and focus on one star out of many. That star also chooses to look at me, out of all the people on earth. A meeting between two people is like this, a rare cosmic event. It is one in a million, a billion, a trillion.

Love is trusting someone, being there for someone, being ready to listen with a tender heart for no other reason than love.

At times we are not sure whether what we feel is love. At that moment, ask yourself this: “Am I happy to give more even after having given a lot?” If the answer is yes, and there is no regret afterward, then that is probably love.

Love means loving someone the way she is. Wanting her to be a certain way is not love but your desire. Do not attempt to improve someone in the name of love. It is improvement only in your eyes, not in hers.

If something is meant to blossom into a relationship, it usually works out without much difficulty. If you are the only one putting in effort, then let him go. This may relieve the pressure, and motivate him to make effort. If not, then it will open up a new path for you.

Love comes naturally and effortlessly. If you try to love someone, then it is not real until you stop trying.

A casting director auditions many actors but recognizes the right one as soon as he walks in. It can be the same with a new house, a diamond ring, a future spouse. If you are hesitant, then you might not have found the right one yet.

Love her without “What if,” without calculation, without second-guessing, without comparing her to others.

Love her with the steadfast conviction of your soul. If one of you is unshakable, then the relationship can last.

Please don’t call it love. What you are experiencing is infatuation with no commitment or responsibility.

Infatuation is not love because it begins and ends with you. It is more about your feelings, and less about the other person.

When we are in love, we like to do nice things for the one we love. But it is equally important to refrain from doing unnecessary things. We often overlook that part.

We like to get involved in other people’s business, thinking we are doing so for them. We offer unsolicited help and interfere with their lives. We take away their power and make them feel incapable. This stems from our desire for control and recognition. It has little to do with love.

We should love people like the sun loves the earth. The sun loves the earth without choosing to. It nourishes trees and flowers, expecting nothing in return. It does not withhold its rays but brightens everything with its presence.

Like Kahlil Gibran said, love each other like two pillars supporting the same roof. While looking out on the horizon together, allow space between you and your loved one. Without it, you will suffocate and exhaust your love.

Remember this: When you struggle to hold on to her, she leaves. When you decide to let her go, she stays.

We do things for the one we love, but sometimes just being there expresses even deeper love. Give the gift of your full presence.

Of course, when it comes to finding a job, having graduated from a prestigious university is advantageous in most parts of the world. But the degree alone is often not enough. Even if one has landed a good job, one’s skills and experience are more important than where one has studied.

Have you ever selected a cheaper dish from a menu than the one you really wanted, only to regret your choice when it arrived? Always go with your first choice if you can afford it. It is better than a life filled with regrets.

There are many more ordinary hours in life than extraordinary ones. We wait in line at the supermarket. We spend hours commuting to work. We water our plants and feed our pets. Happiness means finding a moment of joy in those ordinary hours.

When you concentrate, even a phone book can be interesting. If you are bored, maybe you are not concentrating.

Wherever you go, cultivate a sense of ownership. If you see litter in a church, library, or park, pick it up. As you take ownership, your life will have more purpose, and people will notice your good example.

Where you live shapes you. Do you live in a place conducive to the pursuit of your dreams?

When purchasing something you will have for a long time, like a house or a piano, choose the best within your means, not something that will do for now. You might think it is good enough, but after a while you will regret it.

A good customer does not say, “Please do whatever you think is best.” She knows exactly what she wants and communicates it clearly. If a customer does not communicate what she wants, she may still have preferences, which might be expressed as a complaint once the work is completed.

When there is a problem, take it up with the person who is responsible. If you address it in a roundabout way, through other people, out of fear of upsetting the person and your relationship, then the problem becomes more complicated. Go straight to the source and deal with the person directly, even if this makes you uncomfortable.

The more you know, the more you think you don’t. The more you don’t know, the more you think you do.

Any social phenomenon is difficult to generalize. Its causes are embedded in a complex web of history, culture, politics, and economics. If someone explains a social phenomenon in simple terms, he is either an expert or a fool.

The biggest obstacle to learning is pretending to know even when you don’t. It is better to admit you don’t know something; if you pretend, you have to act as if you knew all along. It is easier to learn when you set aside your pride and are honest.

The compassionate gaze of the wounded soul is more beautiful than the naive smile of the inexperienced youth.

The determination to convince someone might stem from being not completely convinced yourself. I do not go around trying to convince people that I am a man.

Wear confidence. It is the height of fashion.

When we hold too firmly to our beliefs, we risk being blind to reality and seeing only what conforms to our beliefs.

The person who says, “That person is so political,” is usually just as political, if not more.

Admiration does not come easily. Rather than setting a goal of becoming rich and powerful, aim higher: becoming admired in your field.

One of the greatest blessings in life is meeting someone we truly admire. That person becomes a beacon of hope, shielding us from cynicism.

Sometimes life throws us a curveball for no reason that we can fathom. But do not despair. We are not alone. We can persevere. This, too, shall pass, like the heat of summer.

As you enter your forties, you start to think: “Is this what life is all about? Is this all there is?” That sad and hollow feeling—I, too, know it.

Love, not righteous words, can change people’s lives.

First, people are not as interested in me as I had always believed.

When we are done thinking about other people, our minds revert to what immediately concerns us. Why should we spend so many hours of our lives worrying about how we appear to others?

Second, not everyone has to like me. 

There is no need to torment yourself because someone dislikes you. Accept it as a fact of life; you cannot control how others feel about you. If someone does not like you, let her have her opinion. Just move on.

Third, if we are brutally honest with ourselves, most things we do for others are in fact for ourselves. We pray for the well-being of our family because we need them to be around. We shed tears when our partner dies because of the impending loneliness. We sacrifice for our children in the hope that they will grow up the way we want. Unless we become enlightened like the Buddha or Jesus, it is difficult to abandon our deep-rooted preoccupation with ourselves.

Stop worrying about what others think and just do what your heart wishes. Do not crowd your mind with “what ifs.” Uncomplicate your life and own up to your desires. Only when you are happy can you help to make the world a happier place.

Do not let people’s opinions of you determine who you are. Instead of worrying about what others think, devote yourself to your dreams.

When someone does not like us, it is not our problem but theirs. Not everyone will like us. This is a problem only if we let it bother us.

By complaining that something we have to do is too hard, we add another layer of difficulty. Take a deep breath, and then just do it.

Write down on a sheet of paper the names of the places you want to travel to before you die, the people you hope to meet, the concerts you know you will enjoy, the sports games you are dying to see, the restaurants you have to try.

Then experience everything on the list, item by item. Nobody needs to know about the list. Allow yourself a little secret of your own. It will feel good to do something just for yourself.

Life is like jazz. Much of it is improvised; we cannot control all the variables. We must live it with panache and flair, regardless of what it throws at us.

We can love our family and pray for their happiness. We can give advice and help when needed. But we can neither make decisions for them nor make them act the way we want them to. There are many things we cannot control in life. That includes those closest to us.

If you learn to play one sport well, it becomes easier to learn to play another. If you become fluent in one foreign language, you can more easily learn another. If you figure out how to run a small business, it’ll be easier to run a second or third one. Do not be envious of those who are good at many things. First learn to be good at one. You will soon be able to do two or three.

A majestic tree is the first to be cut down and used for lumber, whereas a modest one lives on. Likewise, a real master conceals his virtue and never boasts of his excellence.

Dream big but start small. A small adjustment can have a big effect on your life.

For example, if you want to be healthier, then start by going to bed a half hour earlier. If you want to lose weight, then start by drinking water instead of soda. If you have an important project to complete, then start by getting your desk organized.

“Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive, because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive, because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive, because your values become your destiny.” —MAHATMA GANDHI*

Your mind cannot hold two thoughts at once. This means that a single thought can occupy your entire mind. Whether good or bad, everything stems from a single thought. If we are careful with that first thought, even tragedies can be prevented.

We prefer the right words to the wrong words. We prefer honest words to the right words. We prefer real acts to honest words. How you speak is often more important than what you say. And actions speak louder than words.

Knowledge wants to talk. Wisdom wants to listen.

A foolish person thinks, “I already know that.” He keeps anything new from coming into his mind. A wise person thinks, “I don’t know the whole story.” She opens herself up to even greater wisdom.

An ordinary person mainly notices particular things he likes or dislikes. A wise person notices both the whole and the particulars.

When you share your problems with your friends, you do not expect them to have the solutions. You are just grateful they are there for you and willing to listen.

If someone shares his problems with you, don’t feel the need to have the solutions. Just listen sincerely. This is often more helpful.

When I look deeply within myself, I realize what it is that I really want from others: attentive ears that listen to what I am saying, kind words that acknowledge my existence and worth, gentle eyes that accept my flaws and insecurities.

I resolve to be that person for those around me.

A bad driver brakes often. A bad conversationalist also brakes often— interrupting the flow with his own stories.

You can fool someone for a moment, but it is hard to fool someone for long. Time will tell if someone has spoken from the heart or made things up to get what he wanted. Even if he got what he wanted with a momentary lie, the fact that he lied will stay with him until the day he dies.

When there is no envy or expectation, even the wealthiest and most powerful person is just another human being. Only when we are envious of what he has, or expect something from him, do we become discontented and lose our composure.

Swindlers love to sweet-talk about future gains, insisting that things will work out if we listen to them. When our greed is awakened, we are cheated.

A clever negotiator leads the other party to think they’ve won while getting everything he wants. If the other party feels flattered and superior and lets the clever negotiator have his way, then it is really the negotiator who has won.

A cruel irony: The reward for someone who works hard is more work.

If we’re quick to grant a favor, then people quickly forget their gratitude. If we grant a favor with several conditions, then people express immense gratitude.

One word of encouragement, said with kindness and hope, can change a person’s future

Some say they don’t really know what they are looking for in life. This might be because, instead of getting in touch with how they feel, they have led their lives according to other people’s expectations. Live your life not to satisfy others, but to fulfill what your heart desires.

My dear young friend, please don’t feel discouraged just because you are slightly behind. Life isn’t a hundred-meter race against your friends, but a lifelong marathon against yourself. Rather than focusing on getting ahead of your friends, first try to discover your unique color.

Don’t flit here and there like a school of fish just because that is what your friends do or because others say it is what you should do. Stand by your convictions. Upend the existing paradigm and become a trendsetter.

There are things I would have liked to teach my child if I’d had one: No matter how famous, powerful, or rich some people are, they are not very different from anyone else. We long for deep connection and unconditional acceptance. We have the same insecurities and need for approval. There is no reason to feel inferior.

If you are raising a child, then remember this: It is okay for your child to do well in one area and not so well in others.

A restaurant specializing in a few good dishes is more likely to develop a good reputation than one with a lengthy menu. Help your child go deep in her area of interest. Intelligence is not just about getting straight A’s and high SAT scores. It is also about being able to empathize and be attuned to how other people feel.

Are you a controlling parent? Are you devoting too much attention to your child? If the answer is yes, then turn some of that attention toward your parents. If you are good to your own parents, then your child will learn how to treat you in the future.

From a young age, some children are told to compete, worried about what their parents will say, insecure about how their friends will judge them.

Let them know it is okay to enjoy life. Help them discover talents that cannot be graded. Respect them so they know what it feels like to be respected.

Why doesn’t high school teach essential life skills? Like: How to cook, how to go out on a date, how to watch your weight, how to be financially responsible, how to pick yourself up after a setback, how to be mindful of your thoughts and emotions.

Instead of building up a résumé only to land a job, enjoy the process of learning something new. Don’t do it just for the end. Delight in the means, too.

Even if you have other motives for volunteering, in the process of helping out and connecting with people you may discover the meaning of life and of happiness. This is why it is important to volunteer regardless of what compels you to do so in the first place.

When it comes to learning a new skill, there are two kinds of people. One kind prefers to first study the typewriter, while the other starts by pounding on the keys. One kind likes to first master the grammar of a foreign language, while the other learns in the trenches, using body language if they must.

Generally speaking, the second type tends to learn faster than the first, because the latter is not afraid of making mistakes.

There is no such thing as being completely prepared. Life is an adventure, through which we learn and mature. Of course, we must consider all our options carefully. But if we wait for 100 percent certainty, then it is often too late.

When you are about to make an important decision, there is always a moment of hesitation right before you sign on the dotted line. Don’t pull back. You have come all this way after having given it serious thought. Don’t look back. Continue on your path courageously, like a one-horned rhinoceros.

Sometimes you have to push through with your convictions. You cannot please everyone. Do not hold back just because you are afraid someone might criticize you. You will probably earn yourself a few enemies, but many others will respect you for standing up for what you believe.

Do not turn down too many opportunities. If you insist you need more preparation, you may not be invited again when you finally feel ready. You are ready. You can take up the challenge.

When you wake up in the morning, say to yourself: “I won’t spend today passively, just doing what others tell me to do. I will take the lead and forge my own destiny!”

Establish a goal for the week. There is a big difference between having a goal and not having one. A significant accomplishment can be traced back to a single thought.

Even if you have just a modest dream, don’t keep it to yourself. Talk to others about it. By the time you tell ten people, it is more likely to come true.

Try these two things at the same time: Pretend you are already a champion and work diligently at becoming one. The gap between belief and reality will soon close.

It is not easy to find one’s calling in life. Although some know what they want to do from an early age, for most, it takes many years to find their path. 

First, one of the reasons it is difficult to find your calling is that you simply do not know what kind of jobs are out there in the world. Where can you discover options other than the jobs you already know of through your family and friends?

The easiest way to expose yourself to an array of indirect experiences is by reading. Have you read up on science, travel, fashion, art, or politics? How about education, psychology, finance, health, food, music, or sports? Read widely as you explore different professions. You can also read a biography of someone you admire and hope to emulate. Books broaden your horizons and introduce you to new possibilities.

Second, it is hard to find one’s calling because many mistakenly believe they need to look only within to discover their passion. Although it is true that we have innate interests and talents, we often do not know what they are until we have real-life experiences. Having a wide range of experiences can help you uncover your inner passion.

Try various part-time jobs and internships, or volunteer.

Don’t be afraid of rolling up your sleeves and diving in.

While immersed in a job’s reality, you will discover whether it’s a good fit.

Work experiences may unlock the door to a career opportunity you hadn’t considered.

Third, it is difficult to find your calling without sufficient self-awareness. Do you know what kind of work environment you thrive in? Do you draw your energy from interacting with people? Do you perform well under pressure? What are your strengths and weaknesses?

You can increase your self-awareness by interacting with a wide range of people in a wide variety of situations. You will develop a deeper understanding of yourself as you cultivate relationships, which become a mirror reflecting your strengths and weaknesses in various circumstances. Do not be afraid of meeting new people. Get to know those who are working in a field you are interested in. Go out on dates; they are another good way to learn about yourself. Discover what types of people are compatible with your personality. From these experiences, you will gain insight into what kinds of people you like to surround yourself with.

Lastly, do not select your career based on what others will think of your choice. The truth is that other people do not really think about you that much. If you think you will enjoy something, then do not overthink it. Just do it. Even if it does not turn out the way you imagined it, you will still appreciate it for what it has taught you.

Measure your self-worth not with the balance of your bank account but with the frequency of your generosity.

The college you graduated from is not that important. The life you have chosen to live after college is.

“When hiring, I like people who are confident but who can admit when they are wrong. For that kind of person, I don’t have to look at any other credentials, because they are sure of themselves but won’t let their ego get in the way.” —AHN CHEOL-SOO, SOUTH KOREAN SOFTWARE ENTREPRENEUR

When you look for a job, try to find out how long a company’s employees stay at the company. This is more important than the size of the company or the salary offered. If people keep leaving, then that says a lot.

Are you nervous or even terrified about your new job? Is it because you are afraid of disappointing your new boss? Just do the best you can without being self-conscious about your work. Even if your work is less than superb, if you are sincere and dedicated, then your boss and colleagues will appreciate you.

If you happen to visit a workplace that appears much better than yours, instead of feeling envious, examine the place more carefully. You may find a downside that changes your first impression. The moment you realize that, you will feel grateful for your current job.

Being a good boss requires much more than just having a lot of technical knowledge. It is important to have integrity and a positive relationship with the staff, to give timely feedback and professional mentoring, and to advocate for what the team needs.

A boss should not be overly concerned with how she is perceived. This is secondary. Rather, she should focus on how her work affects the staff and clients.

A wise leader doesn’t assemble a team of only those who agree with him. He needs someone who disagrees with him, to allow him to see his blind spots.

An inept leader attempts to micromanage everything. His staff will wind up doing only what they are told. A skillful leader knows how to delegate to subordinates and to wait for them to take responsibility and see the job to a successful conclusion.

Dedication to one’s job should not be measured by how late one works or how often one forgoes a vacation but by how effectively one works and what kind of contribution one makes to the business.

People often have unrealistic expectations of the success of their first book, album, or show. Just as there is no effect without a cause, success doesn’t come about by luck alone, without years of preparation and hard work.

It is not always a good thing to get what you want. If everything happens the way you want, it is easy to become lazy and arrogant. You may also lose the ability to empathize with people having difficulties. Perhaps any hardship you may experience is an important life lesson.

A jockey does not whip a standing horse. A jockey whips only a running horse.

When your teacher reprimands you, learn to accept it gracefully. She is doing it because she cares. She believes you can do better.

Your freedom is more important than money. It is better to live the kind of life you want than to earn more and be constrained. Don’t sell your freedom.

If someone urges you to follow his path for success but it is not what your heart desires, then listen to your heart before it is too late.

The vaguest and least effective statement: “I will have whatever.”

Some people would like to have all their decisions made for them— hence the opportunity for charismatic cult leaders to take advantage of them.

Never cede the power to make decisions about your life. The Buddha and Jesus exist because you exist. You are the owner of your life. Value yourself first.

I became a monastic practitioner because I wanted to know the true meaning of life. Because I wanted to awaken to my true nature. Because I didn’t want to subject myself to the measures of success according to others. Because I didn’t want to meet my death after a lifetime of struggle for money and power.

There is only one way to bungee jump: Just leap! The more you think, the harder it becomes. Overthinking produces only anxiety and doubt. Stop shouting, “What if?” and just take a leap of faith.

Without being compromised by the need to get in someone’s good graces, you can stand tall, no matter whom you deal with. If you have led an honorable and honest life, there is no need to be afraid of speaking the truth.

The great Korean Zen master Kyeongbong (1892–1982) once said: “Those who have not realized their True Self live like the blind, unintentionally scratching someone else’s leg. If you would like to scratch your own leg, first awaken to your True Self.”

A monastic life is characterized by simple beauty and unexpected joy. Monks find happiness in things that may seem trivial to those who pursue the material trappings of success. Watching the seasons change—the blossoming of the magnolias, the dazzling fall foliage, the first snowfall—brings indescribable joy and gratitude. A simple meal made with fresh ingredients from the nearby mountains is a source of great contentment. Because our monastic brothers are our friends, teachers, and family, we are never lonely.

“How should we consider a different spiritual path? We shall approach it with humility as well as a willingness to learn about another tradition. If our faith can be shaken from merely learning about a different tradition, then that faith is not worth keeping.” —REVEREND DR. KANG WON YONG (1917–2006)

Just as my faith is precious and significant to me, wouldn’t it be the same for people of other faiths? Just as my mother is dear and important to me, wouldn’t this be the case for my neighbor and his mother?

May people know how to differentiate between the certainty of one’s faith and the folly of attacking other faiths. May faith never become an ideological weapon to justify violence.

If Jesus, Buddha, and Confucius were all alive and gathered in the same place, would they argue over who is right? Or would they respect and admire one another’s teachings? Religious conflict can often be blamed not on the founders of religions but on their fanatical followers.

“The purpose of religion is to control yourself, not to criticize others. How much am I doing about my anger, attachment, hatred, pride, and jealousy? These are the things we must check in our daily lives.” —HIS HOLINESS, THE DALAI LAMA

If the essence is forgotten, ritual takes over. When ritual dominates spiritual practice, our outward appearances become more important than our inner experience. For instance, if you meditate in the hope of enlightenment, how long and with whom you meditate is not as important as how your practice has changed your heart and your relationships.

According to Professor Kang-Nam Oh, the faithful can be divided roughly into two groups: people of “surface faith” and people of “in-depth faith.” The surface faithful are bound by spiritual symbols; they often dispute the spiritual symbols of other faiths. The in-depth faithful understand meanings deeper than the symbols. They can find similar meanings in the symbolism of diverse spiritual traditions, and harmony among such traditions.

“Heretic” is a loaded term. It has been slapped on any belief or practice that doesn’t conform to the dominant spiritual belief of an era. If you are calling a spiritual path heretical, remember that yours was once considered as such when it first started.

“He who knows only one religion knows none.” —MAX MÜLLER (1823–1900), GERMAN SCHOLAR OF COMPARATIVE LANGUAGE, RELIGION, AND MYTHOLOGY

Ignorance of other spiritual paths combined with fear can give rise to religious persecution and violence. Major wisdom traditions around the world teach humility, love, and forbearance. Nothing bad will come of learning about them.

You can admire a spiritual leader but never idolize him. Blind faith in the leader can easily reduce you to acting like a child, handing over your power and asking the leader to do things for you. Medicine can be prescribed, but it must be you who takes it.

A spiritual leader is a finger pointing at the moon. If the finger attempts to become the moon, this can lead to a grave sin.

We must cultivate all three intelligences for our overall health: critical intelligence, emotional intelligence, and spiritual intelligence. If one falls to the wayside, it slows the growth of the other two.

If you have developed critical intelligence but neglected emotional intelligence, then you may not be sensitive to the suffering of others. If you have developed emotional intelligence but neglected spiritual intelligence, then you may lose hope after seeing the world’s suffering. If you have developed spiritual intelligence but neglected critical intelligence, then you may fall victim to the abuse of a cult.

Whatever the circumstances, do not feel inferior. Remember that God has created you in His divine image. You are the most precious daughter or son of God. You are also the Buddha, even if you have not realized it yet. You have the same Buddha nature as all buddhas in the universe. Do not allow anyone to make you feel less than that.

Faith is overvalued while practice is undervalued. If we emphasize faith over practice, spirituality remains ideology, creating theological conflicts. But if we focus on carrying out the teachings in our actual lives, we realize that the love taught by Jesus is no different from the compassion taught by the Buddha. If you wish for peace among different spiritual paths, then practice what you preach.

A good remedy to a situation like this is to learn more about the other spiritual path. Find a book by a respected member of that path and study it. If you are open-minded and willing to learn, then you will soon discover some aspects of that path resonating with yours. Although the outer spiritual symbols are different, the meaning behind them may sound oddly familiar to you.

You can also read a biography of a great spiritual teacher in that tradition, such as Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Teresa, or the Dalai Lama. As you learn more about their lives and faiths, you will be able to appreciate their courage and come to respect their path. This change of attitude will positively influence the family dynamic. Although you cannot control how your family feels about your path, at least you will no longer feel uneasy about theirs.

But if your family continues to be narrow-minded and to show disrespect, then speak up confidently and educate them. Tell them the great leaders of their path did not act that way. Martin Luther King Jr. and Thich Nhat Hanh respected each other; Thomas Merton and the Dalai Lama were good friends.

Those who understand deeper meanings beyond the surface and who try to embody humility and peace also recognize the familiar inner light flickering in the eyes of other religious followers.

When this happens, they become more humble and open to the mysteries of human incarnation while feeling connected to the fragility of human hearts.

We don’t receive more love from God by asking for it. Rather, we awaken to the truth that God has always loved us unconditionally. We don’t turn into a buddha by striving for it. Rather, we awaken to the truth that we have been buddhas all along.

In the beginning, our prayer takes the shape of, “Please grant me this, please grant me that,” and then develops into, “Thank you for everything,” and then matures into, “I want to resemble you.” Eventually it transcends language, and we pray with our whole being in sacred silence.

As my prayer deepens, I hear more of His voice than my words. As my humility grows, I feel more of His love overflowing in my heart. As my mind quiets down, I sense more of His presence in every moment.

As your faith and spiritual practice deepen, the sense of a separate self or ego diminishes, leaving more room for divinity to fill your heart. If you have prayed mostly to benefit yourself, then shift gears and try praying to give up some of your control.

If you have been praying like this— “Please grant me this. I really need this to happen”— then try to pray this way as well— “Enlarge my heart to hold and accept the things I cannot.” Do not bargain with God, Buddha, or any divine being to give you what you want in exchange for material offerings.

If you do not know how to solve a problem in your life, give prayer a try. As you bring your attention inward and sincerely seek an answer, something sacred within you unlocks the door of inner wisdom.

If you are desperately looking to meet someone special, send your prayer out to the universe. The universe is an amazing matchmaker.

Monastics can pray for many years because their prayers of happiness for others make them happy. As I prepare to officiate at my friend’s wedding, I become joyous.

For unenlightened people, not every day is a good day, because they feel happy only when things happen the way they want them to. For enlightened people, every single day is a good day, because they feel free knowing that nothing can take away their wisdom.

When an unenlightened person does good, he tries to leave his mark. When an enlightened person does good, he leaves no marks.

The holier a person is, the more likely it is that she describes herself as a sinner. This is because she doesn’t lie to herself.

“The saints are what they are not because their sanctity makes them admirable to others but because the gift of sainthood makes it possible for them to admire everybody else.” —THOMAS MERTON*

Clergy and teachers tend to be verbose, and older clergy and teachers even more so. I hope I don’t become that person who talks endlessly without noticing how the person in front of me feels.

It is a sign of great spiritual strength to keep someone else’s secret.

“When a minister preaches, he must preach not only to the congregation but also to himself.”—REVEREND HONG JEONG-GIL

According to Cardinal Nicolas Cheong Jin-suk, “There is no record of the biblical story of one fish multiplying to two or three. There is also no record of fish falling from the sky. What probably happened was that people took out their lunches and shared their food with others after listening to Jesus’ moving prayer.” A miracle is not just an otherworldly phenomenon transcending the laws of nature. Letting go of self-centeredness and opening one’s heart to others are just as miraculous.

There is a simple way to test the veracity of the Buddha’s teachings. Find the most comfortable posture. Remain in that posture for thirty minutes. The most comfortable posture soon becomes the most uncomfortable. Everything is impermanent, including the world’s most comfortable posture.

Do not force yourself on a spiritual path. Let its teachings gently open your heart and lead you. Like salt gradually dissolving in water, let the teachings dissolve in your heart.

When you are so busy that you feel perpetually chased, when worrying thoughts circle your head, when the future seems dark and uncertain, when you are hurt by what someone has said, slow down, even if only for a moment. Bring all of your awareness into the present and take a deep breath.

Only when we slow down can we finally see clearly our relationships, our thoughts, our pain. As we slow down, we are no longer tangled in them. We can step out and appreciate them for what they are.

Wisdom is not something we have to strive to acquire. Rather, it arises naturally as we slow down and notice what is already there.

As we notice more and more in the present moment, we come to a deeper realization that a silent observer is within us. In the primordial stillness, the silent observer witnesses everything inside and outside.

Befriend the silent observer. Find out where it is, and what shape it has assumed. Do not try to imagine it as something you already know. Let all your thoughts and images merge back into silence and just sense the observer already there in silence.

If you see the face of the silent observer, then you have found your original face, from before you were born.