Dr. Strange Beard by Penny Reid (Notes)

 “The past beats inside me like a second heart.”

John Banville, The Sea

 I was a real good actor. I was excellent at being disingenuous, and I rationalized the insincerity of my outward reactions by reminding myself that the deceit was due to necessity, not design. I sincerely didn’t want to be obnoxious, or to piss people off.

 Which, I suppose, is the main reason why I preferred my own company to anyone else’s. Memories of solitude don’t clutter the mind. But if I had to be around people, I preferred the company of strangers to longtime acquaintances, and my family’s company over everyone else’s.
Strangers’ stories are always new, so there’s that.

 it was rare for people to tell stories for the benefit of the listener. Usually, but not always, a story is told mostly for the benefit of the teller.

 The story about “how I got so drunk that one time I climbed the fence of that celebrity’s compound and was invited to breakfast,” or “how I rescued those folks from a rattlesnake” demonstrates how the teller has lived a life full of adventure, of meaning; that they’re comical, self-deprecating, and brave; that they’re ultimately a person worth knowing.
It’s as though folks need to remind themselves of their own worth, and they do this through telling and retelling their favorite eleven or twelve stories, the anecdotes that fundamentally define who they are.
And therein lies the burden of having an above-average memory, and why I’m rather finicky about making memories.

 Between memory and reality there are awkward discrepancies...”
Eileen Chang

 Don’t get me wrong, I have feelings. I just choose not to be preoccupied by, ensnared by, or guided by them. That’s not what feelings are for.

 Humans, not places, make memories.” -Ama Ata Aidoo

 They almost made me want a life partner. Someone who knew, accepted, and cherished me on a fundamental level.

 Ultimately, I knew my cloth wasn’t cut that way. I liked my own space, only cleaning up after myself, working as much as I wanted and going to sleep when—or if—I wanted. So as much as I liked the idea of a partner who looked at me the way Beau Winston looked at Shelly Sullivan when she cut her bananas into perfect, one-fourth inch cylinders, I wanted to sleep in the middle of the bed, consult no one on my decisions, and shower at my leisure even more.

 Why he wanted to act like a fool, I had no idea. Maybe he had difficulty breaking character? Or maybe he thought he was breaking the tension between Nelson and me. Or maybe he was just weird.

 “It’s a cliché, but it’s true: the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. If you want to get close to the youngest Winston brother, maybe just bring him a dozen of these.”


 Why are you so anxious to build yourself a ceiling? Why don’t you build a rocket instead?”
She was amazing.

 Be the change you want to see in the world.”

 Her perspective was more, You don’t need to live in the world to change it. Become powerful enough, and you can bend the world to your will.

 What matters in life is not what happens to you but what you remember and how you remember it.”
Gabriel García Márquez

 Hank Weller was eccentric on a good day, nuts on a normal day, and downright insane on a bad one.

 folks often thought I was off sulking, or brooding, or too sullen to respond to a question. In reality, I was trying to reorder my brain, calm down, so I could engage in the present.
Thankfully, I was much better and faster at this now. I was also better at avoiding situations that might spark a cascade of unhappy memories.

◆ Chapter 5

 It is easy to love people in memory; the hard thing is to love them when they are there in front of you.”
John Updike, My Father's Tears and Other Stories

 Moodiness was my sister’s modus operandi. Moodiness and grudges. No one held a grudge like my sister Daniella.

 My brother’s temperament was on the opposite end of the spectrum; Poe had often been described as robotic, too literal and logical for his own good. He didn’t have a spiteful bone in his body, having too much curiosity for spite.
If someone treated him poorly, he was likely to spend all afternoon questioning that person until he reached the root of their motivations. Above all else, he sought to understand.

 You don’t like me? That’s cool. You do you.

 But in the end, I wasn’t one to force my company on folks who didn’t want it.
Their loss, because I was awesome.

 The only way people learn and change—I believe—is by practicing. So that means we need to give them more opportunities to practice listening.

◆ Chapter 6

 One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.”
Rita Mae Brown

 Nothing disconcerts folks like being remembered, the assumption being that they must’ve made a big impression, or I particularly valued making their acquaintance.

 But seeing her come through this dark time was a good reminder that the present—the moment we’re living right this minute—isn’t the rest of our lives. Sometimes it can feel that way, when things get overwhelming, but it’s simply not the case.

 Like thunderstorms and time, this too shall pass.”

 Scars fade over time.”
Maybe for some people.

◆ Chapter 7

 Ghosts don't haunt people--their memories do.”
Alexandra Bracken, Never Fade

 I’ve never been into romance and such, finding puzzles, mysteries, and science more alluring and interesting than almost anything else. The marriage of chemistry and physics was the only kind of marriage that had been of interest to me.

◆ Chapter 8

 “I can only note that the past is beautiful because one never realises an emotion at the time. It expands later, and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present, only about the past.”
Virginia Woolf

 Hearts are weird, best to ignore.

 If I didn’t know myself better, I would have sworn this was an attempt at flirting. But I did know myself. Since I knew myself, I knew I wasn’t of the flirting species. It’s not that I couldn’t do it, it’s just that—like pep rallies and barking orders—what was the point?

◆ Chapter 9

 “We all have our time machines, don't we. Those that take us back are memories...And those that carry us forward, are dreams.”
H.G. Wells

 I also liked the quiet, the lack of people. Being around animals and nature didn’t tax me the same way being around people did, which was why I’d decided to become a veterinarian. I didn’t want to be in a general practice for much longer. I wanted to do work with the national parks, where I’d be off on my own.

 “Do you fear commitment? Because that’s my reason.”
That had me straightening. “You fear commitment?”
“Not really. Fear isn’t the right word. It’s more like, why would I want to do that to myself?”
“Commit to someone?” I asked, suddenly aware of how fast my heart was beating.

 I don’t see an upside, to be honest.” She sighed, nodding at her own assertion. “Yes, there’s the consistency of sex. However, there’s everything else. The demands, the fights, the drama.”
I was so confused. “What are you talking about? Look at your parents, they’re the calmest, most drama-free, happiest—in marriage—people I know.”
“Exactly.” She turned to me, giving me a look as though I’d just proven her point. “I’ve never seen anyone as happy as my parents. They set unrealistic expectations that can never be met. The world is . . .”
“What?”
“The world is full of crazy, selfish, freaky people. Statistically speaking, the chances of finding the wrong person and falling in love are much, much higher than finding the right person. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high? If you factor in failed unmarried relationships plus people who stay in unhappy marriages for lack of options, then I estimate we’re talking about a mere five percent of the population who are happily committed, maybe even less. With stats like that, it’s a miracle anyone gets married at all.” She paused here to take a deep breath and sounded distracted as she added, “And if you fall for the wrong person, what can you do? You’re already in love, and your heart wants what it wants, and everything is a mess.”

◆ Chapter 10

 “The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we'd done were less real and important than they had been hours before.”
John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

 My sister could read people like most folks read the newspaper. She knew when to act, when to chill, and how to outmaneuver at precisely the right time. If life was one big game of Clue to me, then it was a game of Chess for her, where she was both the queen and the king.

 My mother used to tell me that (most) people value what they have in abundance and what they lack in abundance. If a person didn’t value the strengths and interests they had in abundance, then they would have no self-worth. My strengths and interests were book and brain related.
Conversely, if a person didn’t place value on what they lacked, then they would never strive to be better. I lacked—among other things—the ability to make friends easily. Therefore, when I made a good friend, I poured a good deal of energy into maintaining that friendship.

 Caring about someone didn’t mean I had to let that someone keep hurting me.

◆ Chapter 11

 “Do not let the memories of your past limit the potential of your future. There are no limits to what you can achieve on your journey through life, except in your mind.”
Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

 But my momma and my sister always told me that when a lady says no, a gentleman listens and believes her the first time.

 You only use a rhetorical question in order to produce an effect or to make a statement. It’s a question asked to further a point, to persuade, or for literary effect, none of which were required or relevant in this situation.”

◆ Chapter 12

 Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.”
Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

 Never apologize for giving someone the honor of asking for a dance.”

 Only apologize if you use a cheesy pickup line first, like”—I frowned, patting down my shirt front like I was looking for something—“Wait, I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?”
Hannah wrinkled her nose, but also laughed. “That is cheesy.”
Seeing her smile made me smile, so I gave her another one. “Are you a parking ticket? ’Cause you’ve got fine written all over you.”

 Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see.”

 “How about this: do you know what my shirt is made of?” I pointed to the flannel I was wearing.
Letting her hands drop, she glanced between me and my shirt. “Cotton?”
I lifted my eyebrows, gave her a pointed look, and said with flourish, “Boyfriend material.”

 Would you grab my arm”—I held out my elbow—“so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?”

◆ Chapter 13

 “If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.”
Edgar Allan Poe

 Cletus made lists, lists and lists, to distract himself in the moment, until he could think clearly again.
Shelly confronted the obsessions in the moment using logic, tried to think about them from a completely rational perspective in order to disarm their power, so the obsessions wouldn’t lead to compulsions.

 reasoning that memories are basically just thoughts and therefore one or the other coping mechanism—distraction or confrontation—should work depending on the situation and the memory.

 Touch has a memory.”  - John Keats

 Strength in numbers.”

 “You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed.”
Iyanla Vanzant, Yesterday, I Cried

 in a battle between two bullshitters, the one who cares about the outcome will always lose to the one who doesn’t care at all.

 There was a long hard time when I kept far from me the remembrance of what I had thrown away when I was quite ignorant of its worth.”
Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

 It is strange how we hold on to the pieces of the past while we wait for our futures.”
Ally Condie, Matched

 That’s exactly right, Pavlov. She’s not thinking. Clearly, she’s not thinking at all. In lieu of using Google Maps or a Sherpa, my sister is feeling. That’s her problem.”

 “I don't want to repeat my innocence. I want the pleasure of losing it again.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

 Now, my momma had always said—when on a date—it was the woman’s job to dress like the painting and the man’s job to dress like the frame

 Just because you’re good at something, doesn’t mean you like doing it, and it definitely doesn’t mean it defines you.”

 Please explain the difference between flirting and schmoozing.”
“Well, you schmooze someone when you want something. Like my father, he’s a schmoozer, always looking for the con. But flirting”—I shook my head—“that’s just meaningless fun. You flirt to make someone feel good, to put a smile on her face, to give her a warm feeling about herself.”
Simone continued to scrutinize me over her glass. “You mean—let me see if I have this right—you flirt with women to make them feel good about themselves, not because you want anything from them.”

 Remember tonight... for it is the beginning of always.”  - Dante Alighieri

 “Let us hope that we are all preceded in this world by a love story.”
Don J. Snyder, Of Time and Memory: My Parents' Love Story

 But missionary? For his second time? Eh, no.
This might not be a popular opinion, but I considered missionary a PhD level sex position, one of the most difficult to perfect, which was why I’d never had any interest in it.
I mean, just think about the logistics.
Firstly, it was one of the least athletic, which meant lack of skill was difficult to disguise. Form, angle, and rhythm had to be just right. Secondly, the woman had little control over her own pleasure. She couldn’t touch herself, she couldn’t rock her hips with any reliability, she had to rely solely on her partner’s dexterity and expertise. Basically, she was completely vulnerable and at a very real danger of never reaching orgasm, or even getting anywhere close.
Meanwhile, the man was guaranteed a good time, which made the position dangerous as a second-time deflowering. Bad habits are difficult to unteach. It would be a disservice to Roscoe to go full missionary without first explaining potential pitfalls.
Also, I needed some time to mentally prepare.

 “I have a hypothesis. I think we should map out an ideal progression of sexual positions in order to maximize competency and acquisition of abilities, each offering new skills which build upon each other. A forum for feedback is also important—for both of us—where we can compare findings and modify our approach. I just don’t want you to draw any false conclusions due to lack of appropriate specific aims or deficiencies in sample size.”

 Work came first, duty came first, catching bad guys came first, because saving lives came first.

 Just let me die here.”
A pause. “Why would you die here?”
“Irreversible cessation of respiratory function due to mortification.”

 That sound you heard was the nightingale,” I said with confidence, giving him a sweet smile. “The lark sings in the morning, the nightingale sings at night.”

 “Memory is a strange thing.” He pressed another kiss to the soft skin of my interior forearm. “An endless reminder of the past, revealing itself—as a cannon blast or a whisper—when you’re least prepared for it.”

 Beau set a good example on how to do things right, how to be conscientious and honorable. He treats folks—everyone—with kindness and respect. That’s why he’s so well-liked, not ’cause he’s good-looking, or does people favors all the time. It’s because he makes everyone he meets feel special.”

 He told me when I could be sure about a woman.”
“Who? Beau?”
He nodded, giving me his eyes, which held an edge of circumspection.
So I narrowed my gaze on him. “Enlighten me, how can you be sure about a woman?”
Roscoe held my stare for a beat, and then said plainly, “She makes you a priority.”

 “Memories are dangerous things. You turn them over and over, until you know every touch and corner, but still you'll find an edge to cut you.”
Mark Lawrence, Prince of Thorns

 Overreaction muddled experiences, clouded what might otherwise be a sunny memory.

 time-space synesthesia

 eidetic memory, just situationally focused.

 Correcting folks’ stories irritated them, pointing out discrepancies won me no friends. Maybe my situational memory skills could be used as a parlor trick, but that didn’t interest me any. I didn’t want the attention or the memory that went along with it.

 “If you erase all of your bad memories, you erase all of your wisdom.”
Matshona Dhliwayo

 “It’s not who you are, baby,” she’d said, her voice shaky, “but no matter what you do, it’s who people will see.”

 Even so, they told us that if we were very careful and always behaved perfectly we would still draw negative attention and suspicion just by existing. We should be prepared for inexplicable hostility. We should behave in a manner above reproach, always with calm reason, and never allow our frustration or emotions to guide our response to irrational aggression.

 Giving this individual chance after chance after chance because his parents might or might not have been bigots isn’t the answer. It perpetuates the problem. It keeps him in a position of authority where he can continue to do harm

 “We all have to take personal responsibility for our actions, Simone. Black, white, yellow, blue. Expecting a man to behave like an adult—which he is—by taking personal responsibility is not an undue burden. Maybe if someone had held this person accountable prior to now, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.”

 You said, building your whole world around another person is like building a skyscraper on sand.”
“And so it is.” She chuckled. “But living a life without love is like living alone in a skyscraper. What good does a solid foundation do if the building is empty?”


 If only there could be an invention that bottled up a memory, like scent. And it never faded, and it never got stale. And then, when one wanted it, the bottle could be uncorked, and it would be like living the moment all over again.”
Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca

 “If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”
Mark Twain

 Too many details makes for a cluttered memory.

 To someone like Razor, weakness makes you a liability.”


 “It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Diary

 However, instead of deciding that he was too tall, I decided that the world was too small.

 Remembering is easy. It's forgetting that's hard.”
Brodi Ashton, Everneath

 If a man underestimates a woman, it will be his downfall.”

 “You are the reason. Never doubt that. You and Momma. She did the best she could. With seven of us she couldn’t do it on her own. She needed you. We all did, and you stepped up. Your sacrifices, and I’m sure there are a ton I don’t know about, made this family possible. But brother, it’s time for the sacrifices to end.”
“Roscoe—”
“Why are you avoiding living your own damn life? What are you so afraid of? Of failure? Of making painful memories you can’t forget? If that’s the case, I’ve tried that. I’m here to tell you that no matter what you do, shit is going to happen. You can’t avoid heartache without also leaving out the love.”

 You deserve more than a life of work and nothing else. You deserve more than being a politician when I know you hate it, no matter how well-regarded you are, and marrying a woman you don’t love, no matter how much you respect her. You’ve lived your life for country, for work, for family. For Bethany, Jethro, Cletus, Ashley, Beau, Duane, and Roscoe. But your hiatus is at an end. Go take some risks, go find your purpose. The time has come to live your life for Billy Winston.”

 Why are you avoiding your own damn life?
No matter what you do, shit is going to happen.

 You can’t avoid heartache without also leaving out the love.

 As Beau had said in his drunken wisdom, if you love someone, you make them a priority. That meant you took risks, you made the bad memories trusting that you’d be making sublime ones in between.

 All this shit happens, all these people get in the way. They’re clutter, they make a mess. We make things complicated that shouldn’t be, and we want things to be simple when they’re not. Sometimes we’ll disagree, but so what? It’s not about them, or her job, or my job, or our past. None of that matters. She doesn’t need my forgiveness. She needs—we need—each other. The only thing that matters is- is now, and . . .”
Simone. And me.

 “Our memory is a more perfect world than the universe: it gives back life to those who no longer exist.”
Guy de Maupassant

 Time passes and people don’t notice. I want to be sure I take note of every moment I’ll never live again.”

 Things will happen in your life and they will make you question where all your time has gone.
All is well. Life is going swimmingly. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe you’re frustrated by the day-to-day doldrums, the infinite tasks, the seemingly endless list of shows to binge on Netflix.
How will you ever catch up?
How will you ever get it done?
But then something happens. Doldrums, tasks, and Netflix shows become—literally—nothing. In one single instant, POOF! They’re gone.
The only things left are what really matters. The bare essentials. The people you love.

 Bethany Winston once told me that time was like a closet. No matter what you do or how good your intentions are, you will always fill your time and closets with things that don’t matter.
“That’s why funerals are so important,” she’d said. “They force you to clean out closets and reevaluate how you spend your time. Without death, we’d never have empty closets.”

 In love, everything was nonsense.
But maybe that also means anything is possible.


 “When he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.”
William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

 Thirst for vengeance was not a good character trait for a field agent.


 Scars are just another kind of memory.”
M.L. Stedman, The Light Between Oceans

 “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou