Love for Imperfect Things by Haemin Sunim (Notes)
True freedom is being without anxiety about imperfection. —Sixth-century Zen master Sengchan
A River Runs Through It is one such film. Set in the first half of the twentieth century, and with the beautiful scenery of Montana for a backdrop, it tells the story of the Maclean family, for whom fishing is just as important as religion.
because, to him, love transcends human understanding. Rather than loving someone only when you feel you understand what it is you love, the kind of deep, enduring love shown by the father does not cease even when the loved one behaves in a way you do not agree with. In the depths of the heart, love is always flowing, like a river.
WHEN WE EXAMINE OUR LIVES, we see many imperfect things, like motes of dust on an old mirror. There are all kinds of things that leave us feeling dissatisfied and unhappy: Our words are often different from our actions, our relationships are strained by our mistakes, our best-laid plans for the future go awry. On top of that, in the course of our lives we inflict various wounds on others, intentionally or unintentionally, causing us to feel guilt and regret.
Because our lives are far too precious to be spent in ridicule and hatred of what doesn’t appeal to us, of what we do not understand. As we become spiritually mature, we naturally develop more empathy and try to see things from others’ perspectives. This, in turn, teaches us to accept the imperfections of others, and of ourselves, in a more graceful and compassionate way, like a mother loves her child no matter what.
When we become kinder to ourselves, we can become kinder to the world.
“Be good to yourself first, then to others.”
WHEN WE SAY THAT SOMEONE is “good,” we often mean that the person complies with the will of others and isn’t self-assertive. In other words, people who are good at suppressing their own desires in deference to another’s are the ones who frequently get called “good.” If someone always listens to me and follows my advice, naturally I like that person and think of him or her as a good person. It seems that “good” sometimes refers to a person who thinks too much of others to be able to express his or her own will.
In certain cases, when the parents’ own relationship is not good, or the family dynamic is awkward in some way, there are also those who take it upon themselves to make their parents happy by being “good.”
But the problem is that, by living in accordance with the demands of others, we unwittingly neglect our own desires and needs. If as a child you were indifferent to your own feelings, minimizing them or not considering them important, as an adult you will not be able to tell what it is you yourself want to do, or who you are as a person. And then when you encounter someone who treats you unfairly or makes things difficult for you, since you do not know how to properly express your own feelings, the anger that ought to be directed toward its instigator is trapped inside you and ends up attacking you instead. “Why am I such an idiot, that I can’t express my feelings properly, can’t even speak up honestly?”
ABOVE ALL, PLEASE REMEMBER THIS: What you are feeling is not something that should just be ignored, but something very significant. The feelings inside you will not easily disappear just because you decide to suppress or ignore them. Many psychological problems come about when repression becomes a habit and the energy of those suppressed emotions is unable to find a healthy outlet. Just as stagnant water becomes fetid and toxic, so it is with our emotions.
But it’s not too late. From now on, before going along with what others wish you to do, please listen to the voice inside you, telling you what you truly want. Even when you feel yourself buffeted by constant demands, if you really do not want to do something, don’t try to push through with it, exhausting yourself to the point that you are no longer able to cope. Instead, try to make others understand what you are feeling by expressing it in words. Don’t worry that expressing yourself will cause the other person to dislike you and the relationship to become strained. If the other person knew how you really felt, she probably wouldn’t have made such demands of you.
We consider it good to be good to others, but don’t forget that you have a responsibility to be good to yourself first.
Learn to express what you are feeling without agonizing over it. It is a life skill every bit as important as learning how to read. Without it, dissatisfaction builds up, arguments break out, and relationships can blow up like volcanoes.
Does it make you feel frustrated to be the only one doing the work? If so, don’t just swallow the feeling; speak up: “It’s difficult for me to do it on my own. Could you please help me out?” Little by little, expressing your feelings will become easier.
When someone asks for a favor, don’t forget that you have the option to say, “I’m terribly sorry, but I can’t do that.” You have no obligation to take on a task that will be a great burden on you. And if the relationship grows strained because you do not do the favor, it was never a good relationship to begin with.
Just as on a plane, you are told to put the emergency breathing mask on a child only after you have put one on yourself, there is nothing selfish about looking after yourself first. Only if you are happy will you be able to make those around you happy.
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When you care for yourself first, the world will also find you worthy of care.
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In the same way that when you’re in love and you want to spend time with only that person, try spending time on yourself— you deserve your care and attention. Treat yourself to a delicious meal, a good book, a nice walk with a lovely view. As you would invest in the person you love, so you should invest in yourself.
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My dear friend: Because there is some part of you that is imperfect or broken, it can motivate you to work hard to overcome it, and can ultimately bring you success in life. It can also help you relate to others and become more compassionate. Do not despair over what is imperfect in yourself. Instead, look at your flaws with love.
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It’s okay that you have flaws. How could our lives be as clean and white as a blank sheet of paper? Life naturally takes a toll on our bodies, our minds, and our relationships. Rather than choosing a life in which you do nothing for fear of making a mistake, choose a life that improves through failure and pain. And shout out loud to your struggling self, “I love you so much.”
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In our hearts we all carry secrets that we cannot easily share with others. They can be about illness, money, sexuality, relationships, or family. They can evoke a deep sense of inferiority, shame, anxiety, or guilt. But because of the weight of the secrets, we become more humble and understanding. Don’t judge people based on how they appear, as they may have difficulties that nobody can see.
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Seeing on social media how your friends are enjoying themselves, have you ever felt envious? One of our common mistakes is to compare how we feel inside with how our friends appear outside. We don’t know what is going on inside of our friends, but we are well aware of what is going on inside of ourselves. Your friends might be envying you based on your social media posts, without knowing what is really going on in your life.
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Have you ever felt a sense of inferiority because of a cousin who is doing better than you? She may be smarter than you, attend a better school, work at a better company. But remember that none of us can know how our lives will turn out in the end. Though school and work might be measures of success, the older you get, the less important they will be. The true winner is the one who is happy with his life.
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You may appear unattractive not because you have many unattractive qualities but because you think you do and look so uncomfortable. Even if you have unattractive qualities, if you are confident and at ease with yourself, you won’t have such a problem. Remember that the most attractive quality is your confidence.
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It’s okay not to be ranked first, second, or even third. Compare yourself not with others, but with the old you. Like yourself for making an honest effort. And continue to have faith in yourself.
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If you keep letting criticism upset you, then you will gradually wither, and in the end you will not be able to do anything. And that is exactly what your critics are hoping for. Do not let those who criticize you determine your destiny. Every time you hear from your critics, shout more loudly: “No matter what you say, I won’t give up. Let’s see who is right in the end.”
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“Why should your life be destroyed by the easy criticism of those who do not know you or care about you?” —SEOK-CHEON HONG, KOREA’S FIRST OPENLY GAY CELEBRITY
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If you begin to believe what others say about you, they will begin to control you. Not everything that appears in your mind is true. Do not let someone else’s opinion rule your life.
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“If you hear a voice within you say, ‘You cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” —VINCENT VAN GOGH
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We are worthy of being loved not because of what we do well but because we are precious living beings. Even if you don’t achieve the perfection the world demands, your existence already has value and is worthy of love.
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In India, “Namaste” is a common greeting, like “Hello.” But there is a beautiful meaning to “Namaste.” It means, “The divine being within me bows to the divine being within you.” We are much greater and more sacred than we think.
Don’t think you are lovable only when you succeed at what the world demands. You are already worthy of love.
Old friends have no need to display artificial selves; you can accept them as they are and share your true self with them.
“Because each person’s situation is different, it’s difficult to draw any firm conclusions, but one of the known causes of becoming a workaholic is growing up feeling unworthy of your parents’ attention unless you do something great, as opposed to feeling loved and cared for unconditionally. This also tends to be the case with children of successful parents who are too busy with their lives and show little interest in their children’s lives. To win their parents’ attention, such children feel under constant pressure to do things to please their parents. Otherwise they feel unlovable, and their actions are devoid of meaning. In your case, it makes sense that you have developed this constant feeling of anxiety, given your father’s violence when drinking. It must have been very difficult for you with your mother not there to protect you. Never knowing when your father might explode, you probably thought that the only way to prevent it would be to do everything he wanted you to, and to do it correctly. Now, as an adult, your father is gone. However, it’s the world’s demands rather than your father’s that are making you feel anxious—that if you don’t do everything that’s asked of you, and do it correctly, your existence has no meaning or worth.”
“But the truth is, you are already worthy of being loved. You don’t need to be convinced of your self-worth by taking on society’s demands and living up to its expectations. You already are a precious being and deserve to be loved and cared for. Look inside and see if you can find the child within you, still shaking with anxiety because of his father. Send the energy of loving-kindness to that inner child, and look at him compassionately. How difficult it must have been, coping with your father’s rage alone, trying to protect your siblings, without even your mother to help you.”
When we were in graduate school, you were like a big brother to me. You helped me overcome several crises. You don’t know how grateful I am even now, when I think of your kind heart. And so for goodness’ sake please remember: Even if you never achieve anything big and significant, to me, your existence alone is already enough.
The sacred spirit dwelling inside me salutes the sacred spirit dwelling inside you.
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Don’t let your difficult past define who you are today. If you do, you will live your whole life as a victim of the past. There is life force within you waiting to shoot out of the ground of the past. Please trust that force of renewal. Bow respectfully to your past and proclaim, “From now on, I have decided to be a little happier!”
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If someone is unable to think beyond himself, it could be because he didn’t get enough love growing up. Because he felt that the world was cold and uncaring, he had to be self-centered to take care of himself. If there is a selfish person in your life who makes things difficult for you, look deeply into his pain and try to understand where he is coming from.
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If we examine what motivates us, we see that even as adults we want recognition from other people, and that so much of what we do comes from that desire to be recognized. Shower your child with attention, and make her feel secure in your love. This way she won’t grow up starved for other people’s acknowledgment.
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If one of your children is jealous of her brother or sister, take her on a trip, however brief, just the two of you. If a trip is impossible, spend a whole day only with her. Eat something delicious together, play in a park, and listen to her. If children do not receive enough attention, psychological problems often emerge. Parents can prevent this while their children are still young and impressionable.
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Every now and then, permit yourself a little luxury. Whether it’s buying beautiful flowers for the dinner table, a slice of delicious cheesecake to have with a caffè americano, a pair of soft winter gloves— little luxuries can brighten your life.
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The nice cutlery set, tea, wine, clothes, pen, quilt that you have been saving for a special occasion— use them whenever you get the chance. Special moments are not separate from our everyday lives. When you make use of something special, it makes the moment special.
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Do you sometimes feel that something small can bring you a lot of happiness? I feel that way when I see yellow and orange peppers. I often hesitate to buy them, since they are more expensive than green peppers. But I love their colors, and when I do decide to treat myself, they make me so happy. And did you know that bell peppers have three times as much vitamin C as oranges?
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If I like myself, it is easy for me to like people around me. But if I am unhappy with myself, it is easy to feel unhappy with those around me. May you become your own biggest fan!
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When I extend a small kindness to others, I find it easier to like myself. If you feel that your self-esteem is low, try doing something nice for a stranger. As you begin to like yourself, your self-esteem will improve. Even products labeled “limited edition” are made on a production line with hundreds that are exactly the same. But there is only one you in the world. Please cherish the unique individual that is you.
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The head says, “Do not hate that person too much,” “Forgive others for your own sake,” “Do not envy your friend’s success.” But there are times when the heart does not listen. At times like these, give prayer a try. Prayer connects the path between head and heart. Ask humbly for help with what seems to be impossible at the moment.
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People sometimes express their longing through hate. If you hate someone, look closely within yourself. What could the reason be? Are you still attached to that person? There is no opportunity as good as this to be mindful of ourselves. We send rockets all the way to the moon, but when it comes to our own mind, the closest thing to us, we remain utterly unaware and ignorant.
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Though we should not ignore what other people say, the decision is ultimately ours to make. When you make a decision, listen to your heart more than the opinions of others. A decision made because of the opinions of others is one we often come to regret.
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There is a saying in Korea: “Lengthy deliberation often leads to a terrible decision.” If you think and worry too much before doing something, “your boat goes to the mountain instead of the ocean.” Now and then it is necessary to trust your intuition and push ahead in the direction you feel is appropriate.
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When you have an important decision to make and are not sure what to do, stop for a while and listen to what your heart is saying. Take a walk in a park or a brief trip somewhere beautiful, or meet a friend you can trust and discuss what you have been thinking. Your heart is far wiser than your head— it already knows the answer.
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When your head thinks “yes” is the right answer, and yet something doesn’t seem quite right, take a little more time, and do not give the final answer just yet. There are times when intuition hits the mark and rational thought doesn’t. If you allow yourself a little time to discover why you are hesitating, the reason will soon become clear.
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Everybody needs time alone. When you’ve spent the whole day at work being harassed by others, and then return home to find your family won’t leave you in peace, you can easily become annoyed and angry. At such times, do not blame yourself for getting annoyed. Instead, take some time for yourself by stopping by your favorite bookstore, coffee shop, or temple. Go for a quiet walk alone and listen to your favorite songs. Being alone makes the world pause for a moment and helps to restore harmony.
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Just as a mother looks at her child with love, look at your own suffering with compassion. You will soon feel that you are not alone. There is a soft inner core of love and caring at the heart of every suffering. You are not thrown into this world alone.
EVERY PERSON IN THIS WORLD is someone’s precious child, and a Buddhist monk is no exception.
Maudgalyayana, one of the closest disciple monks of Sakyamuni Buddha, was famous for his filial love for his mother. According to Buddhist scriptures, he descended to hell in order to rescue her. Kyeongheo, the great Korean Zen master of the nineteenth century, also remained a good son to his mother after becoming a monk. Upon having an experience of enlightenment, the first thing he did was to search for his mother. Kyeongheo lived with her and spent nearly twenty years looking after her. Following Kyeongheo’s example, many monks nowadays are taking care of their elderly parents in one way or another.
She is an introvert, but with a bright and warm personality. She loves music and art and enjoys reading books, just like I do. If she hears or thinks of something insightful or interesting, she likes to write it down and share it with her family and friends. She can be patient and strong in the face of difficulties. She is also proud of my writings and talks, as they have helped many people.
When I give a public talk, I usually close by inviting the audience to meditate together. First I guide people to offer love and good wishes to themselves while caressing their heart. Afterward I ask them to hold hands with those sitting next to them and to close their eyes. Then I ask them to imagine that they are holding the hand of someone they deeply love and care about, like their mother. Finally I ask them to send love to the people they just imagined and to repeat this blessing: “May you be happy! May you be healthy! May you be peaceful! May you always be protected!”
Chanting quietly together like that, a good number of people shed tears. Though we always wish our loved ones to be happy and healthy, we often do not express it, assuming that they already know how we feel. As we repeat the blessing, we regret that we have not spent enough time with our loved ones because we are too busy. I, too, felt that way as I was imagining holding my mother’s hand while chanting the blessing along with the audience. As the words sank in, all of a sudden the following sentiment rose up from the abyss of my heart:
“Mom, Mom, I love you so, so much.”
Without realizing it, the word “mom” came out instead of “mother.” Though it was a little embarrassing, I texted that message to my mother right away. Thinking about it, I couldn’t remember when I had last said these words to her. Later, I heard that receiving such an innocent message from her grown son, who had left home to become a monk, made my mother cry a great deal. And then she resolved to become healthy again, not just for herself but also for her son.
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IN THE FAMOUS KOREAN NOVEL Please Look After Mom, the daughter realizes how much she loves her mother only after her mother goes missing. In an interview, the author, Kyung-sook Shin, said that she had been planning the book for a long time but couldn’t get it quite right until she changed “mother” in the title to “mom.” The novel ends with the daughter on a trip to Vatican City. The daughter lays a rosary in front of the Pietà —an image of the Holy Mother embracing the dead Jesus—and prays, “Please, please look after Mom.”
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Something as simple as holding someone’s hand can go a long way toward easing that person’s pain. The more we hurt, the more we need the love and support of our family.
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When someone you love is in pain, the most meaningful gift you can give is your kind presence. Sending flowers and texting are good, but not as good as sitting with her, holding her hand, looking into her eyes, and giving her a kiss.
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We live longer now not because we do not get sick, but because we have learned to manage our illness. To those who are fighting illness, and those who are caring for them, may you not lose hope!
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Even when the weather forecast calls for rain all day, there are times when, if we look closely, we see that the rain lets up. Even though we are ill and in pain, if we look closely, we see that there are moments without any pain. But if we say to ourselves, “I am sick” or “It’s going to rain all day,” then we feel that the rain or pain never lets up.
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Sometimes we want to be told “I need you” more than we do “I love you,” because we want to feel that our lives have a purpose. So, be brave and say honestly, “I need you.”
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When a beloved family member passes away, we feel sorry for not having looked after them better and guilty for not having protected them from harm. Then, after many difficult and lonely nights, the spring, which we thought we’d never see again, returns. As the warmth of the spring sunshine touches our face, we feel as though the departed is still with us, wishing us happiness. We assumed we were alone but then realized we were not.
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Losing someone precious to us is like losing the compass that pointed to life’s meaning; it seems as though we will never find true north again. The experience of life’s impermanence is a great lesson. For those of you who are suffering, may this experience become an opportunity to wake up to the Truth beyond impermanence.
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No matter how good a relationship is, it is inevitable that it will change over time. A close friend may move to another city, or a family member may pass away. Your circumstances, too, can change. But don’t let this make you too sad— because when one door closes, another one always opens.
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“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.” —FLAVIA WEEDN
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The greatest gift that parents can give their child is to be happy themselves. If the parents are happy, then the child can grow up into a happy and confident adult. But if the parents are not happy, then the child can feel worthless— unable to make his parents happy no matter what.
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You sacrificed your life for the sake of your children. But instead of being thankful, your children are angry that they have been living their parents’ dreams rather than their own. Look back and see if you deluded yourself into believing that being obsessed with your children was a sacrifice. And consider whether your “sacrifice” did not rob your children of the opportunity to learn for themselves.
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There are many aspects of life that we cannot control. When it comes to our children, spouse, relatives, and friends, we can love them, pray for them, show them interest, but we cannot control them, even when we have good intentions, since their happiness ultimately depends on themselves. Let them take responsibility for their choices. When we get through an illness, we develop immunity. If we protect others from illness, they may not develop proper immunity against life.
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If a teacher coddles her students, she will spoil them. It is the same with your children. It is often the case that your younger children, whom you paid less attention to, grow up to be more caring toward their parents than your eldest, whom you took such trouble over.
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The reason adolescents don’t listen to their parents and stubbornly try to have their own way is that they are learning to be independent. It is normal, so don’t worry too much.
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Children want to admire their parents. You won’t win their admiration by being overprotective. Instead, offer your help to the weak and powerless, or make an honest effort to model important values, such as honesty, compassion, dedication, and tolerance. Do your best to give your children someone to look up to.
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Parents, please teach your children that abusive language or violence toward the weak is wrong under any circumstances. It is also wrong to delight in someone else’s pain. If you wish for your child to grow up to be decent, do not countenance such behavior.
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In oppressive and violent relationships, no one can take care of yourself but you. If a relationship causes you pain, then draw a firm line and distance yourself from the other person. Once you are apart, you will hear your internal voice and gradually become stronger and more independent. Do not lose your grip on the reins of your own life and allow yourself to be dragged around by someone else.
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In the course of giving advice, I often hear from young people who are conflicted because they love their parents but also hate them. There is nothing wrong with having these two emotions. You can love and hate someone at the same time.
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It is nearly impossible for a son or daughter to change a parent’s personality, values, or behavior. Even if children consider their parents problematic in some way, they have neither the right nor the responsibility to change them.
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If you were often rejected or ignored by your parents while growing up, you can end up seeking the love and attention you were denied from your romantic partner instead. If your partner is even slightly indifferent toward you, then the wound from your childhood can be ripped open, causing a big fight with your partner. But the real cause isn’t your partner; it’s the wound you are carrying within you. Rather than projecting this wound onto your partner and causing a fight, set aside your pride and speak from the heart: “I am terrified that you will reject me and leave me, like my mom did.” If we combine painful memories, the need for attention, and pride, the relationship can easily be ruined.
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If you assume that, since you’ve been together for so long, you should be able to read each other’s minds, there are so many things you will fail to understand about each other.
I came up with five prototypes of father-child relationships—although there are certainly many more. As you read them, see if any of the five match your case.
The first case is one in which the father behaves in an excessively patriarchal way, withholding affection and strictly enforcing rules and standards. He often controls his children by making them feel shame and guilt. To his children, such a father looms large, like a mountain that cannot be crossed. Even as adults, his children do not feel comfortable around him, having spent their childhood afraid of him, and cannot bring themselves to open up and have an honest conversation with him.
The second case concerns children who have witnessed the suffering of their mother because of their father’s extramarital affairs or lack of employment. Such children tend to develop deep sympathy for their mother and rage toward their father. If, as children, they were unable to express their anger toward their father, their repressed emotions make it difficult for them to engage with their father as adults. They often choose to avoid their father altogether.
The third case is when the father is a self-made man, a firm believer in the power of hard work who has similarly high expectations of his children. Given that the father had to pull himself up by his bootstraps, it’s not enough in his eyes for his children to work only moderately hard, to do only fairly well in school. Desperate for their father’s approval, as adults they are often plagued with anxiety and unable to relax, because they feel they are worthy of love only when they do something well or achieve some great success. I frequently meet young people who have an excellent education and a good job yet have low self-esteem and workaholic tendencies; speaking with them, I discover that many of them have had this kind of father.
The fourth case concerns children who are born into ordinary families and who turn out to be academic geniuses or to otherwise have great success. Such children feel somewhat constrained by their father, and resent him for interfering in their lives. They are independent and self-motivated and prefer not to receive unsolicited advice from a father who can’t really know what their lives are like. Such children love their father but do not necessarily look up to him.
Finally, the fifth case is children who lost their father when they were young. While growing up, they felt their father’s absence profoundly; as adults, they still long for him. They tend to remember their father as a hero and are attracted to teachers or mentors who are like him in some way.
Having grown up in the shadow of his father and elder brother, my father was unable to see how precious his own existence was. Even now, old enough to be a grandfather, he lacked confidence and thought of himself as unimportant, after a lifetime of having to put other people first.
Love needs no reason other than love itself
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When your self-esteem hits rock bottom, say to yourself: “To my family and close friends, I’m just as precious as I’ve always been. I’m still capable of doing good in the world; a few people who don’t really know me don’t get to decide what I’m worth. In time, I believe I’ll meet different people who will value me and my abilities.”
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If you love someone, rather than doing what you think they need, do what they themselves ask you to do. Though it comes from a good place, doing what you think someone needs can be the seed of wanting to control them, to make them a certain way to please yourself.
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With a little planning, you can continue to enjoy your life while looking after someone close to you. Sacrificing yourself completely won’t be good in the long run, not even for the person you’re taking care of. Only if you yourself are reasonably well will you be able to look after someone properly.
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Are you worried because your spouse or child has put on weight? The best way to make someone you love look after their health is by looking after your own, with a balanced diet and regular exercise. If you set an example, they’re much more likely to join in.
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Even though you did your best, their response was lukewarm, or they demanded even more of you. There’s no need to despair. If you really did all you could, leave it be. If they need more, they’ll be able to find a way to finish the job themselves.
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We sometimes resort to verbal threats in the hope of making people come to their senses. For example: If you don’t do what I want, I will take away something that is important to you, or in the future I won’t give you what you need. This happens especially between family members. Unfortunately, such words won’t change people’s minds. They will only hurt them and make them dig in their heels. Instead, calmly explain why something is important to you, so your words don’t sound like threats or ultimatums. Change will last longer when it’s not forced but when it comes about because they have been convinced of its need.
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Someone told me this, and it made a positive impression: “Haemin Sunim, now that I am doing so well financially, my relationship with my siblings and parents has improved.” If you have made a lot of money, share some of it with your family.
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Much domestic strife comes from the futile effort to interfere and sow discord: the wife, between her husband and his parents; the mother-in-law, between her son and his wife; the husband’s sister, between her brother and his wife.
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However close a relationship is, some questions are better left unasked: “Why don’t you lose weight?” “Why aren’t you married yet?” “Why did you get divorced?” “Why aren’t you working?” Please, keep these thoughts to yourself.
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“Even among branches that stem from the same root, there will be those that are healthy and bear many fruits and those that are stunted and whose fruit is undersized. The healthier branch might have become that way by receiving more than its fair share of nutrients. It’s the same with siblings: If there is one who is smart and successful, there could be one who is poor and must rely on the other. You’ll be annoyed if every time your sibling asks for help, you feel you’re being deprived of what’s rightfully yours. But if you consider how your sibling might have had to sacrifice for you to get to where you are now, it will not seem so unfair.” —MISOOK KO, KOREAN LITERATURE SCHOLAR
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We get the most annoyed by those who are closest to us. And when the annoyance is on both sides, an argument will inevitably break out. When someone is showing his temper, it could be because he wants us to hear about his current situation and empathize. Rather than arguing, try to understand his deeper needs.
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When you feel like you’re about to lose your temper, think of your family. Think about how your children will suffer the consequences. If you cannot control your temper for yourself, control it for your family’s sake.
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If a child is crying or making a racket on a plane, you’ll likely get annoyed with the child and resent the parents. Imagine the child is actually your niece or nephew, your grandson or granddaughter. If we think of the child as a stranger, we focus on the inconvenience to ourselves, but if we think of the child as a family member, we become merciful, wondering whether the child is uncomfortable or in pain.
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If you want to help your child, your partner, or your friend, simply listen without offering advice or your own interpretation. And empathize, imagining that you yourself just had that experience. Don’t turn away from difficulties, but endure them together. That is how you can be of greatest help.
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Before you lay your head on your pillow and go to sleep, recall just three things you were thankful for today. If you continue to do this for two months, you will see an increase in your level of happiness, because instead of focusing on what is wrong with your life, you will develop a habit of looking for what is good. A happy mind-set needs practice.
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If you give something your full attention, whatever it is, and examine it closely, it will come to attract your interest and care. Just as the face of your child is the most familiar and the loveliest thing in the world, constant attention will turn an ordinary object into an extraordinary one.
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If you take home a cat and care for it, even one that’s been abandoned and is dirty, it won’t be long before it becomes the cutest cat in the world.
If you love someone: Embrace him, like the Holy Mother embraces Her one and only Son. Listen attentively, like there is no one else but him in the whole universe. Look into his eyes, like a soul trying to communicate after losing language. Dance together, like tomorrow is your final day on earth.
MAYBE YOU’VE HEARD it said that each time someone embraces you warmly, your life is extended by one more day?
When we find that things are getting tough, a warm, wordless embrace can have more healing power than a logical, point-by-point explanation of why things are so difficult. Although I cannot get rid of your pain, I will still stand by your side and stick with you even during the most difficult times. The warmest way of expressing this is through a hug.
Anthony Grant, a professor of psychology at the University of Sydney, presented research results showing that, in addition to reducing anxiety and loneliness, hugs lower our levels of the hormone cortisol, which gets secreted as a response to stress; this, in turn, strengthens immunity to pathogens and lowers blood pressure. And according to Karen Grewen of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, if a couple holds hands and hugs for twenty seconds before leaving the house in the morning, their stress index will be only half that of couples who do not do this. In other words, a brief, warm morning hug with someone we love provides us with a protective layer, insulating us from the stress of the day.
Though I am lacking in many ways, I want to be a person who can bring some small comfort to people, who can give them courage, like a ray of warm sunshine. If there is someone who needs a hug from me, I will do it willingly, gladly, and as often as they need. Those of you who are reading this, if you have family or friends who are going through a hard time, please remember to give them a warm hug now and then. Who knows, you really might extend their lives—and yours, too.
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Because I have experienced pain, I am able to embrace the pain of others. Because I have made mistakes, I am able to forgive others their mistakes. May my suffering become the seed of compassion.
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If you want to express love to family or friends, really listen to them, devoting your whole mind and heart to their words. If you listen with great care and interest, they will come to feel, “I am a precious being,” and, “This is what it feels like to be loved.”
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Apparently seeing a photo of someone you love can actually alleviate your pain, like taking Tylenol. And if you see a person helping someone, it boosts the happiness hormone inside your body, as if you are the one lending a helping hand.
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There are those who love you for who you are, and there are those who love you for what you do. There is no change in the love of those who love you for who you are even when you make a mistake or fail. Such people are your true friends and family.
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To family or friends who have experienced a setback, say, “Even though you didn’t succeed this time, I am very proud of you. Under difficult circumstances, you didn’t give up. That, to me, is a success.”
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I wish you to be happy. But do not wait for someone to make you happy. Make the decision to be happy for yourself, and act on it. Do not surrender to someone else the power to make you happy.
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When someone asks, “How are you feeling?” if you are unsure how to answer, just say, “Pretty good!” The moment you answer like that, you may actually start to feel good.
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When someone says something when they are tired, remember that it is their tiredness speaking. It is wise to leave important conversations for the next day, after a good night’s sleep. When someone is tired, bring them a cup of herbal tea and just leave them be.
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One expression of love is simply to leave someone to their own devices.
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Words hold great power. “You will get better starting today!” “You are so talented. You will become an amazing writer!” “Your music will touch the hearts of many people one day!” The moment someone says such words to you, a new field of possibility opens up for you. Words can become the seed of reality.
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Even though what someone says may be true, if it is spoken with hatred and disdain, it will make you reluctant to agree with the person. We communicate not just with words, but also with the energy of our emotions.
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What words are said is important, but how they are said is often more important. We also communicate through our facial expressions and body language, through the volume and tone of our voice.
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Words that convey anger, violence, or sharp critique appear to have more of an immediate effect than those that convey gentleness or compassion. But the use of negative means can come back to haunt the speaker, causing him regret for hurting others for his own purpose.
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If you get angry, your anger creates an echo, bouncing back at you without fail.
Your anger arouses anger in others, who retaliate either immediately with the same intensity, or indirectly over the course of many years in the form of gossip and passive-aggressive mind games. So the next time you get angry, keep in mind the costs.
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The house is a mess, but you don’t have energy to tidy it up. In that case, invite your friends to your home. Suddenly, you will feel a surge of energy which can get the whole house tidied in thirty minutes!
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When you are invited to a friend’s house for dinner, ringing the bell five minutes after the appointed time seems the best thing to do. There are times when arriving a little bit late can be a big help: an extra five minutes for the final dinner preparations.
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I saw the movie Intern and learned that a gentleman who carries a handkerchief
does so not only for himself but also for anyone he meets who might need one.
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When we help other people, rather than thinking, “I am helping them for their sake,” think, “I am doing this because I enjoy helping people.” Even if the people you help end up not returning the favor, you won’t be so upset.
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At a time of need, you were helped. Now that things are better, you would like to return the favor. Unfortunately the one who helped you is no longer in this world. In such cases, please help young people whose situation is similar to what yours was. This will likely please the person who is no longer with you.
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When the eminent monk Beopjeong Sunim visited New York, we took him to a nice bookstore in Manhattan. Beopjeong Sunim told me generously,
“Haemin Sunim, choose some books for yourself.”
Rather than picking out one or two,
I thoughtlessly gathered up a pile of eight,
using the excuse that I needed them for my studies.
Seeing this, a senior monk signaled to me
that I should choose only one.
But while I was hastily trying to put the books back,
Beopjeong Sunim saw and said,
“To a student monk, books are like the bread we eat or the air we breathe.”
He bought all eight books for me and even inscribed them:
Haemin Sunim, study diligently for your Ph.D.
and spread great teachings to many people.
Beopjeong, Palms Together
I feel great indebtedness to and love for my elders.
I wish to be generous to the younger generation like they were to me.
I miss Beopjeong Sunim, who has already left this world.
When we love someone,
the greatest gift we can give is to be fully present for them.
