Beard in Mind by Penny Reid (Notes)

▪ Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.”

― Isaac Asimov

▪ People—all people—are blinded by their own expectations.

▪ Folks with the highest degree of entitlement and inflated sense of self are the easiest to con, the easiest to exploit.

▪ “The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.”

― Robertson Davies, Tempest-Tost

▪ knew how to work a smile and turn on the charm to achieve a goal.

▪ it’s hard to get to know someone who never spoke, but easy to like someone who always smiled.

▪ “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.”

― Mahatma Gandhi

▪ I was not a fan of uncertainty. I didn’t much like surprises—the good kind or the bad kind—and now I was discovering that an exclusive relationship—or potentially exclusive relationship—between two people apparently came with a truckload of uncertainty.

▪ It was a matching numbers car, a real beauty of a ride, and I couldn’t wait to get my hands on her. A matching numbers car is the term we classic automobile aficionados use to describe cars with original major components, or major components that match one another. Matching number cars are extremely rare, especially sixty-year-old Plymouths with less than sixty thousand miles on them.

▪ Now, I dawdled.

I wasn’t much of a dawdler. Usually, I was a doer.

▪ You don’t blame the chicken when a fox gets in the hen house ”

◆ Chapter 4

▪ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else.”

― George Orwell, 1984

▪ her. Smiles between strangers are a show, a mask, misdirection, manipulative.

▪ Therapy isn’t about ‘fixing,’ Shelly. We’re building strategies to help redirect your existing responses.

◆ Chapter 5

▪ “Quiet people have the loudest minds.”

― Stephen Hawking

▪ “I guarantee there’s more to that one than meets the eye.”

◆ Chapter 6

▪ “Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

― George Bernard Shaw

▪ I cleared my throat again and reminded myself I wasn’t angry with Ashley. I wasn’t angry with the rest of my family either, for living life, for finding their soulmates, for moving forward.

▪ But settling for someone, or pushing for more with a person you don’t have strong feelings for, isn’t the way to go about getting a jump-start on living life.”

“It’s like y’all are . . .” leaving me behind.

▪ Why was it you never realized how much you would miss someone until they’d left?

◆ Chapter 7

▪ “Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”

― Edgar Allan Poe

▪ Usually, the good manners drilled into me by my momma and Grandma Oliver demanded that I wait for a pause in conversation, allowing me to end the call as politely as possible.

◆ Chapter 8

▪ When we have suffered a long time, we have great difficulty in believing in good fortune.”

― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

▪ “That’s not true. You like people. You fear being close to people. Most of your fears, your obsessive thoughts and therefore compulsions, center around unintentionally hurting others. You have grown used to pushing people away—pushing people away is the compulsion—because you think it’s safer for them to keep their distance—concerns for their safety is the obsessive thought. People are not the problem. Your irrational obsessions, your worries about hurting people are the problem.”

▪ You need to stop referring to yourself or thinking of yourself in that way. Calling yourself crazy is giving up. You are in control, of your obsessions, of your compulsions, because you know they’re irrational. And you want to change.”

◆ Chapter 9

▪ Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.”

― Aristotle

▪ The search results returned a whole lot of scary stuff, and basically added up to the fact that folks cut themselves as a way to gain a sense of control. Often because at some point in their life, control was taken away without their permission. Which didn’t make much sense to me.

▪ Sleep was elusive from that point forward.

▪ Oh yeah? How do crazy people seem?”

His eyes cut to mine and his expression intensified. “Out of it, I guess. Out of touch. Messy. Emotional. She’s not messy at all. Have you noticed she’s been reorganizing the entire garage? Everything has a place. It’s nice. And, emotional? No. Other than hollering at you yesterday, she doesn’t seem to have any emotions at all.”

▪ She reminded me of Duane in a lot of ways, but to an extreme degree. Honest, clever, with zero patience for bullshit. But Duane shook peoples’ hands, and knew when to keep his opinions to himself, neither of which Shelly had seemed to master.

▪ don’t set yourself on fire trying to keep other people warm.”

◆ Chapter 10

▪ “Enough about my beauty,” Buttercup said. “Everybody always talks about how beautiful I am. I’ve got a mind, Westley. Talk about that.”

― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

▪ You dress for the job you want. And she’s dressed like she wants to have a good time. If she wanted to be inconspicuous, she’d dress inconspicuously. Right?”

◆ Chapter 11

▪ “He’s like a song she can’t get out of her head. Hard as she tries, the melody of their meeting runs through her mind on an endless loop, each time as surprisingly sweet as the last, like a lullaby, like a hymn, and she doesn’t think she could ever get tired of hearing it.”

― Jennifer E. Smith, The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight

◆ Chapter 12

▪ If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a great deal faster than it does.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

▪ This woman was going to be the death of me. How was it possible to both dislike and admire a person this much? To want—no, crave—so badly to be in her company and be rid of her at the same time?

◆ Chapter 13

▪ “Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,

And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”

― William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream

▪ So the obsession is the thought, and the compulsion is what you do to avoid the thought?”

▪ Because from what I’ve seen, the glimpses of herself she’s shared with me, it’s a damn shame no one else gets to see it. It leads me to suspect that what we see of her on the outside has nothing on the beauty on the inside.”

▪ What must that be like? To be a prisoner to your own mind? To have your actions and desires held hostage by irrational fear?

◆ Chapter 14

▪ It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

― Aristotle, Metaphysics

◆ Chapter 15

▪ To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to.”

― Kahlil Gibran

◆ Chapter 16

▪ “No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.”

― Aristotle

▪ “It’s very difficult for people who haven’t lived it to understand why others self-injure. It’s easy to assume all attempts at harm are rooted in suicidal thoughts.”

▪ You and I have discussed deserving at great length. And you agreed you would stop deciding what people deserve. What Beau deserves is his choice. What your brother and parents deserve is their choice. You can only be yourself. You must let them decide.”

▪ Not at all. Your OCD is a big part of your life, and it always will be to varying degrees, but it isn’t the sum total of who you are. You’re a world-class artist, I’ve read articles describing you as a genius. You’re also a gifted mechanic. You donate your time and money to worthy causes. You’ve fostered countless animals. You have a great deal of empathy and a lot to offer a person.”

▪ Let him see these parts of you, give him time to discover how great you are. Then—when or if the obsessive thoughts start—you’ll have a solid foundation. You’ll be able to reason your way through it. You’ll have a level of confidence in him, that he knows who you are and that’s why he’s with you. If you rush into things, it’ll be easy to doubt, both him and yourself.”

▪ o Exposure and Response Prevention.

◆ Chapter 17

▪ “I have dreamt in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind.”

― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

◆ Chapter 18

▪ The pendulum of the mind oscillates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong.”

― C.G. Jung

▪ It occurred to me in that moment, transfixed by her exquisite smile, that Shelly likely didn’t know how to be disingenuous. She may have hidden behind her defenses, but whenever I flat-out asked her a question she always answered with honesty—sometimes brutal, but always real.

▪ You focus on others, you draw them out, and you’re unfailingly accommodating. That’s why everyone likes you.”

▪ “People like you because of how you make them feel. That’s why people don’t like me, or it’s one of the main reasons. I don’t know how to do that.”

◆ Chapter 19

▪ People in their right minds never take pride in their talents.”

― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

▪ People need to be polished, to be stroked, touched,” her tone was abstract, “and when they’re not polished, their colors fade. They fade, they change, warp, become something different.”

▪ Stop telling me the shop ain’t my business, and stop cutting me out of things that matter.”

◆ Chapter 20

▪ We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.”

― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

▪ Sometimes, things are sad and unfortunate. But finding the funny in a situation can make the sad and unfortunate more bearable.”

◆ Chapter 21

▪ “Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”

― Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, Frankenstein

▪ described the therapy as a way for a person to face their fear in a safe environment, realize the fear was irrational, and stop the person from engaging in the compulsion as a way to avoid the fear.

▪ mandatory conditions of the therapy: graded, prolonged, repeated, without distraction, and without compulsion. Then she went over the meaning of each, how they would be applied in the initial attempt, and guidelines for how they should be followed over the next week.

▪ Dr. West says I need to interrupt the pattern, every day. I need people, distraction, surprises, ‘normal’ stress. Routines are okay as long as they reinforce good habits, like running in the morning, walking the dogs at night, or arriving to work on time. They keep my anxiety low because they’re part of making responsible decisions and keeping me healthy. But other routines, those that I put in place only to avoid anxiety, can become like a prison.”

▪ Don’t let anyone in your life who isn’t the best, and don’t hesitate walking away from a person who can’t give you what you need.”

◆ Chapter 22

▪ “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”

― John Milton, Paradise Lost

◆ Chapter 23

▪ The mind once enlightened cannot again become dark.”

― Thomas Paine, A Letter Addressed to the Abbe Raynal on the Affairs of North America

▪ My life was overflowing with uncertainty at present. Almost two weeks ago, I’d stood on the edge of this cliff and wondered what was below. Now I’d jumped, and I was falling, and I needed to know she would be there when I hit the bottom

▪ then I knew how to know whether a person’s feelings ran deep.

So I was flat-out honest. “She makes you a priority.”

◆ Chapter 24

▪ “If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”

― Albert Einstein

▪ This is what you should do.” Roscoe began pacing, and his pacing hurt my head. I closed my eyes as he continued, “The next time you see her, be aloof. Pretend you don’t see her at all. That drives them crazy. Then when she comes over to you—’cause if she wanted you before, she still does—don’t even mention the last time you saw her. Compliment something she’s wearing, like her earrings, and then—”

◆ Chapter 25

▪ “The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.”

― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gra

▪ Don’t set yourself on fire trying to keep others warm.

▪ After “Skylark,” we slow danced to “Fools Rush In,” and “Come Rain or Come Shine.” But when “Jeepers Creepers”

◆ Chapter 26

▪ “The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled.”

― Plutarch

▪ If something breaks, we fix it. That’s what we do.”

▪ It wouldn’t be the same . . . if it broke.”

▪ You can’t be worried about breaking things all the time, Shelly. Things are gunna get broke whether you want them to or not. And if you’re tiptoeing around, not buying teacups out of fear that they might someday break, then you’ll never know the joy of—of—”

“Of?”

I gave her my most serious of looks. “You’ll never know the joy of drinking tea from a real, bona fide, fancy-as-shit teacup.”

◆ Chapter 27

▪ “I am a brain, Watson. The rest of me is a mere appendix.”

― Arthur Conan Doyle, The Adventure of the Mazarin Stone

▪ Pick a date, and stick to it, even if you’re not ready to initiate touch. If you wait, you will miss out. I’m sure your family would agree. At a certain point, it’s better to go as you are than to wait until you’re who you want to be.”

▪ All people are broken, Shelly. No one is perfect. Some seek help. Some don’t. But no one is ever fixed by another person. We can only work on ourselves. We are—using your analogy—our own refrigerators, no one else’s.”

▪ “You can be supportive of Beau, hold the tools for him while he works on his refrigerator, remind him to take a break, show interest in his struggles. You can do things, gestures of kindness that show him he’s appreciated, that you care about him. But no one can fix Beau’s refrigerator except Beau.”

◆ Chapter 28

▪ Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those.”

― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

▪ Compassion without love felt suspiciously like pity. So instead I went home, drank exactly one glass of the Aberfeldy, and read poetry.

▪ It was a poem entitled, ‘The More Loving One.’

Huffing a laugh at the ironically appropriate title, I read the verse, expecting lots of how I love thee’s and thou arts. But when I reached the second stanza, I blinked, my breath catching, and I reread it again,

How should we like it were stars to burn

With a passion for us we could not return?

If equal affection cannot be,

Let the more loving one be me.

▪ People, they’re nice to you ’cause they like you. You’re easy to like. People are nice to me because they want something. Except you. You don’t want anything.”

▪ Cause after a while, being friends with someone who never asks for anything makes you feel like shit.”

I jerked back, frowning at my friend and his declaration. “I make you feel like shit?”

“Yep. You got no need of me. Take last Wednesday for instance. I made a mistake. I made a big one. And you walked away, not giving me even two minutes to explain.”

▪ Hate to break it to you, but you can’t force a person to be your friend. Nor can you buy friendship.”

◆ Chapter 29

▪ “The brain appears to possess a special area which we might call poetic memory and which records everything that charms or touches us, that makes our lives beautiful.”

― Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

▪ “I’m not saying this because I feel sorry for myself. I do not feel sorry for myself. The wiring in my brain is wrong, it is defective. Before I sought help from Dr. West, I had to accept that there was something wrong with me and stop making excuses for my behavior. A mental disorder is not like a physical one. My mind and I are not one and the same. I don’t trust myself all the time, but I am working on that. I’m working to rewire my brain.”

▪ I hate being afraid all the time. There is nothing of value about my fear. It’s irrational, it’s harmful—to me and the people I . . . the people in my life.” She sniffled, her fingers grabbing fistfuls of my shirt. “But you never looked at me like that, like I was defective. Nothing about me scared you. You never felt sorry for me. You took everything in your stride.”

▪ She wasn’t broken, but her words made me want to break something. Her fear wasn’t beautiful. But her strength, her resolve, her brilliance and goodness were. She wouldn’t be who she was now without her struggles. Life had shaped her, her fear had formed her, and I wouldn’t have her any differently.

“Checking on me, hovering, treating me like I’m weak, it makes me feel broken. It is humiliating.”

▪ I guess . . . that makes sense.”

“The thing about Darrell is, he’s a master at getting people to think he’s a good guy. I hate him, I do. But I see what he is and I understand why she stayed. He’s basically all of us. Fun-loving as Jethro. Handsome as Billy. Smart as Cletus. Soulful—or the appearance of it—as Ashley. Reckless as Duane. All with the pretense of being as well-meaning as Roscoe.”

“What about you?”

“Charming as me.” I peered down at her, giving her a self-deprecating smile.

▪ What do you mean then? Hold my tools?”

“Bounce ideas off me, go through scenarios. What’s the worst-case scenario if you tell Duane the truth?”

◆ Chapter 30

▪ “I think . . . if it is true that

there are as many minds as there

are heads, then there are as many

kinds of love as there are hearts.”

― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

▪ As time together grows scarce, it also becomes more precious.”

▪ So I hugged my family. I wrapped them in my arms and took a moment to be grateful that they were mine.

▪ Physically, the woman was a goddess, and she didn’t seem to care.

Of course she didn’t care.

It would be so easy to look at her and only ever see the shell, be blinded by her form. But her flaws, her resilience in the face of her struggles, her strength of character and honor, that’s what made her who she was.

▪ She was exquisite to me and I loved her because I knew her. And I felt sorry for everyone else who wouldn’t be able to look beyond her exterior to the true beauty within.

◆ Chapter 31

▪ “The bravest people are the ones who don’t mind looking like cowards.”

― T.H. White, The Once and Future King

▪ How can I help you? What do you say or do when you need to push through your fears?”

She shook her head, her body stiff, but then she recited on a rush, “Thinking that a person is prone toward violence because of the number of words in their sentences is irrational. I will face this irrational fear and conquer it. I am in control of my actions. I’m not violent.”

▪ My momma always said you should meet a guest in shoes, family in socks, and friends in bare feet.

◆ Chapter 32

▪ When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.”

― Mark Twain, Notebook

▪ “Actually, bears make the worst fathers. They eat their young. Or, to be more accurate, they eat bear cubs that might be their young

▪ No. Billy.” I gave my older brother a severe scowl. “This is my refrigerator. I need to do it. You can’t be doing everything for all of us. Don’t keep shouldering all the burdens. Otherwise, we’ll never learn how.”

◆ Chapter 33

▪ I shall take the heart. For brains do not make one happy, and happiness is the best thing in the world.”

― L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

◆ Chapter 34

▪ “Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.”

― Anne Frank, The Diary of Anne Frank

◆ Chapter 35

▪ Separation

Your absence has gone through me

Like thread through a needle.

Everything I do is stitched with its color.”

― W.S. Merwin

▪ I was thinking about our conversation, back in October, about how things change. It seems to me things are changing so fast, every time I blink, something crucial is different.”

“And some things never change.” I squeezed her fingers. “Like how if you’re not happy, then no one gets to be happy.” I shifted my eyes meaningfully to Drew.

◆ Epilogue

▪ Whenever you think or you believe or you know, you're a lot of other people: but the moment you feel, you're nobody-but-yourself.”

― E.E. Cummings

▪ “As a philosophy,” I pointed to the cup, “the point of kintsugi is to treat broken pieces and their repair as part of the history of an object. A break is something to remember, something of value, a way to make the piece more beautiful, rather than something to disguise. They use gold, not invisible superglue, because mistakes shouldn’t be considered ugly. Broken pieces and their repair merely contribute to the story of an object, they don’t ruin it.” 

Beard Science by Penny Reid (Notes)

◆ CHAPTER 1

▪ “So the unwanting soul

sees what's hidden,

and the ever-wanting soul

sees only what it wants.”

― Lao Tzu

▪ Cletus Winston was the sneakiest, most manipulative, most powerful, and—as far as I was concerned—the most dangerous man in East Tennessee. Problem was, virtually no else seemed to realize it. Everyone in town thought he was odd, but mostly harmless.

Meanwhile, he blackmailed them into doing what he wanted, all the while tricking people into thinking it was their idea.

▪ At first glance you might overlook him because, with Cletus, it was necessary to probe beyond the surface to see the potential underneath.

▪ “Best to keep an eye on the viper in a barn full of mice.”

▪ The main difference being Cletus kept clandestine control over his power, while Razor was brazen about most everything.

▪ one person should be allowed to be that pathologically intelligent and oppressively handsome.

◆ CHAPTER 2

▪ Consider the subtleness of the sea; how its most dreaded creatures glide under water, unapparent for the most part, and treacherously hidden beneath the loveliest tints of azure.”

― Herman Melville, Moby Dick

▪ First impressions were typically correct. My first impressions were always correct. This was because I employed a very scientific approach to forming impressions and was born with infallible logic.

I allot ten minutes. If I didn’t have ten minutes, I’d put off forming an impression until such a window of time was available. I never deviated from the ten-minute rule. I once put off forming an opinion about our new pastor for six months because I hadn’t found the ten minutes required.

▪ For the first five minutes, I didn’t look at him or her. I closed my eyes, or studied my feet, or glanced to one side. In this way I delayed forming an opinion based on outward appearance.

▪ It meant she considered relevancy before volunteering information. You can’t teach people how to do that.

▪ She was an auto mechanic. She was straightforward. She was smart. She was capable. She didn’t seem to have any feelings to hurt. She was clearly discerning about with whom she associated.

▪ Clearly my brother didn’t understand the concept of research: the value of gathering data, the necessity of testing theories, and the importance of post-coital analysis. Not everything could be discovered in a laboratory environment. Knowing something in theory is meaningless if you have no experience with real-life application.

◆ CHAPTER 3

▪ “If he be Mr. Hyde," he had thought, "I shall be Mr. Seek.”

― Robert Louis Stevenson, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

▪ Cletus’s expression was blank, which—I abruptly realized—was highly unusual. He always wore an expression. Thoughtful, concerned, patient, bored, interested, somber, perturbed. How odd, for a person to always have an expression.

Unless that person wore emotions like a mask, meant to misdirect the true nature of his thoughts.

◆ CHAPTER 4

▪ The greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”

― Roald Dahl

▪ How she lived her life—or allowed others to live it for her—was none of my affair. I’d hung up my cape; I’d sworn off rescuing lost causes. People didn’t want to be saved. All my meddling efforts were now focused on my family and their happiness, whether they liked it or not.

▪ And, besides, I don’t trust you to forgive and forget. You’ll take revenge sooner or later, it’s what you do. No . . . I’m going to see this through.”

▪ As a rule, I don’t believe in hidden depths, where hidden depths were defined as admirable but previously unnoticed qualities. I noticed everything.

▪ She laughed again, this time sounding a touch hysterical. “You know, you’ve always been really funny.”

“How would you know?” I gave her the side-eye. It was a serious question. “As far as I can recall, we’ve never spoken to each other directly before now.”

“Yes, but I listen.” Her response was muffled from behind her fingers. “No one talks to me, so I listen.”

◆ CHAPTER 5

▪ I slip back many times, I fall, I stand still, I run against the edge of hidden obstacles, I lose my temper and find it again and keep it better . . .”

― Helen Keller, The Story of My Life

 

▪ You’ll know one day, Cletus. You’ll discover what it’s like to find the other part of yourself. You’ll know it’s her, only her, always her. Maybe not right away, but eventually you’ll know. She’ll be your beginning, middle, and end. And your intentions won’t matter. Love brings its own intentions, and all other plans, hopes, and dreams fade to insignificance in the face of love.”

▪ How does one grow a backbone?

▪ Here’s the honest truth, Cletus: I’m not a romantic. I’m not looking for someone to sweep me off my feet. Knights in shining armor do not exist. I don’t even need him to be particularly clever or handsome. I just want a good person, a . . . a gentle person. I want someone with a good heart, someone steady, reliable, and kind. Someone who would make a good father.”

◆ CHAPTER 6

▪ As I was saying, women move between the three categories all the time. Attiring yourself thus,” he waved his hand over my dress, “may encourage folks to think of you as crazy, and if a woman is crazy, then she might move from bandicooting to the forget category.”

▪ A tree says: A kernel is hidden in me, a spark, a thought, I am life from eternal life.”

—Hermann Hesse, Bäume. Betrachtungen und Gedichte

▪ everything I knew about Cletus as a covert conniver, I figured he didn't much appreciate being at a disadvantage. This was a man who preferred to be in complete control.

▪ You think I look like I'm in a costume?"

"Aren't you?"

He was right . . . of course. It was a costume. But I had a hard time admitting the truth out loud.

"The makeup, the hair, those fuzzy caterpillars on your eyelids. You dress like a stage performer all the time. Is this something you enjoy?"

"No," I answered immediately. "No. It's not. But I don't see what this has to do with—"

"With finding you a husband who is going to give you babies?"

"Well, yes. What does how I dress—"

"Everything. Because who you represent yourself to be on the outside, what people see, forms their first impression of you. For marriageable men who like women, this means you'll immediately fall into one of three categories: marriage potential, one-time amorous congress, or forgettable."

I grimaced. "So, you're saying I'm forgettable." Of course he would. He’d never noticed me.

He chuckled, and I couldn’t help but enjoy the way it brightened and softened his eyes. "No, Jenn. You're not forgettable. But being a caricature doesn't make you very accessible either. A woman usually needs to be accessible in order to fall into the marriage category."

▪ Most men—especially young men—are simple creatures. But the good news is, men can and do change their minds.”

◆ CHAPTER 7

▪ Her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high.”

― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

▪ But very pretty wasn’t going to help much or take her very far without a backbone.

▪ No wonder she was so good at baking. Baking is a precise science and was—as she said—fundamentally the application of chemistry.

▪ Taking control of her appearance, well, that was the first step toward taking control of her life.

▪ Two weeks would give Jennifer plenty of time to marinate on my question and make a decision. Who was she living her life for? Herself or her mother?

▪ Contrary to popular belief, installing traps is perfectly legal. It’s legal just as long as the engineer responsible informs local law enforcement about the installation. I’d informed local law enforcement. And then I’d made certain the certified letter never saw the light of day. It was buried in their evidence storage, misfiled. But I knew where it was and would make certain the letter became found on Sheriff James’s desk when the time was right.

◆ CHAPTER 8

▪ Life has its own hidden forces which you can only discover by living.”

― Søren Kierkegaard

 

◆ CHAPTER 9

▪ change one thing every day for the next month.”

▪ Don't laugh at the spinsters, dear girls, for often very tender, tragic romances are hidden away in the hearts that beat so quietly under the sober gowns.”

― Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

▪ No, ma’am. You have to decide. It can be anything, anything at all. Change the route you take to work, change the lipstick you wear, or go crazy and change your hair color. The only rule is, it has to be something you want to change. You have to want it, not your momma, not your daddy, not your dog, you.”

◆ CHAPTER 10

▪ “I have a deeply hidden and inarticulate desire for something beyond the daily life.”

― Virginia Woolf, Moments of Being

▪ Jennifer, tu ne croiras jamais ce qui est arrivé ! (Translation: Jennifer, you’ll never believe what happened!)

▪ Toutes les femmes ont besoin de lingerie sexy, ça leur donne un secret, she’d written, Une femme avec un secret est mystérieuse et séduisante

(Translation: All women need sexy underwear; it gives them a secret. A woman with a secret is by nature mysterious and alluring.)

◆ CHAPTER 11

▪ The human heart has hidden treasures, In secret kept, in silence sealed; The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, Whose charms were broken if revealed.”

― Charlotte Brontë

▪ mechanical aptitude and engineering genes

▪ Being quiet can be louder than shouting.’”

▪ Old things have soul.’ Then to me she’d add on a whisper, ‘And young things have spirit.’”

▪ When you’re on a date with a man, it’s probably best not to bring up a different man.”

◆ CHAPTER 12

▪ When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.”

― George Bernard Shaw, Back to Methuselah

 

◆ CHAPTER 13

▪ My soul is a hidden orchestra; I know not what instruments, what fiddlestrings and harps, drums and tamboura I sound and clash inside myself. All I hear is the symphony.”

― Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet

▪ “If your partner and you have great chemistry, technique matters less.”

▪ “You make it sound like I can just check the classifieds for a kissing instructor. How do normal people do this? How do normal people learn how to kiss without frightening off good kissers?”

“Most people figure it out in high school. No one knows how to kiss in high school, so it’s all different variations of too wet and unpleasant. It’s a lot of trial and error, bad kisses, figuring out what works and what doesn’t.”

▪ In this case, in matters of interpersonal relationships, I don’t think it’s necessarily bad to be inexperienced, just like it’s not bad to be experienced.”

▪ If you don’t mind another analogy, finding a mate is like playing an instrument. I might play the banjo for years, but then give it up to play the bassoon. Well, I don’t know how to play the bassoon, so it’s like starting all over again. Each instrument is like starting all over. No one has all the answers, no matter how much experience they have in their past.”

◆ CHAPTER 14

▪ Let's clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.”

― Laurie Helgoe, Introvert Power

▪ She reminded me so much of a regal bird of prey, and I couldn’t help but compare her to a hawk or a falcon: proud, beautiful, clearly intelligent, and yet distant and removed somehow.

Untouchable.

◆ CHAPTER 15

▪ But we insist, every morning, on showing only the rose that blooms, and keep the thorny stem that hurts us and makes us bleed hidden within.”

― Paulo Coelho, Adultery

▪ Kids are the best. Kids are free of prejudice, and they want to have fun all the time. They want to play all the time. And they’re like sponges with knowledge. Eager to learn. How many adults do you know who are eager to learn?”

▪ What do you want to be?”

“A mother,” I said simply, because it was true. That’s what I wanted first and foremost. “And a really excellent wife and partner. And homemaker. I want to have a family to take care of, to love and fuss over and think about. That’s what I want. I know it’s not progressive, or flashy, and I know people don’t place much importance on that stuff anymore, just like people don’t put much importance on humility and kindness, forgiveness and compassion. But those things are important to me. I know people will look down their noses at me for being just a mom, but I’m used to being marginalized for what I do and what I look like. And I think being a great mother is the most difficult and most important job in the world. So people can just take their judgmental crap and—”

▪ Look, all I’m saying is that if a person is great at something, she shouldn’t have to pretend she's not, and she shouldn’t have to downplay her hard work. There's nothing wrong with humility or modesty, Jenn. But—for heaven's sake—take credit for being a badass.”

◆ CHAPTER 16

▪ Hide not your talents, they for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?”

― Benjamin Franklin

▪ Desperation is a great motivator.

▪ Even on stage, Cletus seemed determined to hide from the spotlight, to conceal his amazing. This comprehension left me agitated. He was remarkable, and yet he was determined people think of him as mediocre.

▪ “Love is a . . . well, it’s interesting. It can be wonderful, but it can also be destructive. I understand your loyalty to your parents, I do. But you’re right. You’re in a cage, and you’re looking for a way out. Don’t rush it. You have time. I was actually the opposite. When I was nineteen I was a bird, looking for a cage. Believe it or not, your situation is better.”

▪ Having experience, good technique, good moves—those are all just fine. If you’re having sex for recreation or playing it like a professional sport, then those things are critical. But if you’re making love, then experience and good moves are a bonus, but not at all important. It’s the person, not the technique, that makes it worthwhile.”

▪ “So don’t worry about your lack of experience. You wait—if you want—because when the right guy comes along, he won’t mind about your technique or lack thereof, and you won’t mind about his. He’ll care about you. You’ll care for each other.”

▪ When you’re certain, when it’s the heart and mind you’re after, then you lay it all out. But if it’s empty, just physical, then there’s nothing to say.”

◆ CHAPTER 17

▪ “Men do change, and change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass.”

― John Steinbeck

▪ The woman definitely had an effect on me. Her voodoo had me doing and saying things without premeditated forethought. We had conversations. We spoke of events and our lives. I was sharing things about myself without conducting a mental chess game or deliberating how to best leverage information she communicated for my benefit.

▪ I wanted to be with her, spend time in her company for the sake of her company—a sentiment that was both novel and entirely unwelcome.

▪ She’s different already. How she’s dressing, wearing her hair, speaking up for herself. And that’s wonderful, it’s great to see. She’s taking control of her life with baby steps.”

▪ It was time for Jennifer to broaden her horizons. It was time for her to be pushed out of her comfort zone. This was a big step.

◆ CHAPTER 18

▪ Love at the lips was touch

As sweet as I could bear;

And once that seemed too much;

I lived on air”

― Robert Frost

▪ The sensation was similar to the seconds before a head-on collision, when you can see the other car coming, but you can’t do anything to stop what happens next.

◆ CHAPTER 19

▪ “I love you as the plant that never blooms, but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers.”

― Pablo Neruda

▪ Then you reevaluate your priorities, including your fears. You be better and braver. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.”

◆ CHAPTER 20

▪ “. . .[N]o varnish can hide the grain of the wood; and that the more varnish you put on, the more the grain will express itself.”

― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

▪ I wanted to honor my parents. I loved them. I didn’t want to disappoint them. But how was I supposed to breathe when I wasn’t even allowed to think?

▪ realized I was tired of feeling helpless. I wasn’t going to be helpless. Not anymore. I was taking control. I was going to figure things out, for myself, by myself. If I’d learned anything in the last few months, it was that I couldn’t live my life to make other people happy. So I was going to start there.

I needed to be true to myself.

◆ CHAPTER 21

▪ “Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.”

― Zora Neale Hurston

▪ If it’s an empty, physical attraction, then there was no point in persuing a relationship with the person.

▪ Instinct and experience had me preparing my heart for rejection.

▪ You want to know what you are to me? Fine. You’re my beginning, middle, and end.”

◆ CHAPTER 22

▪ Perhaps there is a soul hidden in everything and it can always speak, without even making a sound, to another soul.”

― Frances Hodgson Burnett, A Little Princess

▪ Love negated experience. Completely and utterly. Love negated so many things.

◆ CHAPTER 23

▪ Morality, it could be argued, represents the way that people would like the world to work, whereas economics represents how it actually does work.”

― Steven D. Levitt, Freakonomics

◆ CHAPTER 24

▪ Civilized people must, I believe, satisfy the following criteria. . . Their hearts suffer the pain of what is hidden to the naked eye.”

― Anton Chekhov, A Life in Letters

▪ My pen pals had told me—in French, Japanese, and German—what having sex was like. They’d described what it felt like to have an orgasm, so I knew what we’d done on Friday had resulted in an orgasm for both of us. But nothing they’d described revealed the true intimacy of the act. How it was something beautiful and terrifying, to be naked and vulnerable, to be touched.

▪ Maybe your vengeful impulses stem from your dislike of bullies. Speaking from firsthand experience, bullies can make you feel like you don’t have any control. And, if that’s the case, you are exceedingly understandable.”

▪ You take your time. Anything you want to share, I want to hear. But something you taught me over these last few months is that no one can control who you are—fundamentally, who you are in your heart—except for you. The decision is always yours.”

▪ “Three things cannot hide for long: the Moon, the Sun and the Truth.”

― Gautama Buddha

 ▪ I want true privacy, a place where we can talk and be.”

▪ And thus the heart will break, yet brokenly live on.”

― Byron

▪ Suffering is a gift. In it is hidden mercy.”

― Jalaluddin Rumi

▪ Just because someone is an idiot doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. And just because someone is smart doesn’t mean they’re good.”

▪ “If ignorance is bliss, then knowledge is a cage.”

“But knowledge is only a cage if you dwell in isolation.”

▪ Everything is temporary, Cletus. This,” he gestured to our surroundings, “this is temporary. Even mountains fall. Nothing lasts forever. You got a chance at happiness, even for a week, a month, a year? You grab it and hold on to it for as long as it lasts. I want you to seize.”

“You want me to seize?” I asked flatly, lifting my eyebrow at his little performance.

“That’s right. You seize that woman, Cletus. You make her yours. And then after,” still grinning, Duane dropped his hand on my shoulder and gave me a little shake, “you give that woman your sausage.”

◆ CHAPTER 28

▪ Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic.”

― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

▪ How do you prove to someone that you’re strong?”

“Through your actions,”

▪ Stay away from the normals, the small-minded people who fill their brains with small-minded pursuits, who blend in and keep up with the Joneses. Those people will tear you down and make you boring. Instead, surround yourself with the weirds. With the misfits, oddballs, and outcasts. Because the normals, bless their hearts, have no idea how to have fun.”

▪ My mother was single-minded, shrewd and focused, and exceptionally smart. And so was Cletus. The main differences were, my mother didn’t try to hide her intelligence and she cared what other people thought.

Cletus didn’t care at all what other people thought, not unless the person was his family.

◆ CHAPTER 29

▪ Love brings to light a lover's noble and hidden qualities-his rare and exceptional traits: it is thus liable to be deceptive of his normal qualities.”

― Friedrich Nietzsche

◆ CHAPTER 30

▪ Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”

― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

▪ And there it was: loyalty.

I studied the big man, surprised and impressed by his reasonableness. We might never be friends or even friendly acquaintances, but I could understand the desire to belong to something bigger, to have brothers, people who were loyal and had your back.

Suddenly, the decision my family had made, when I’d put the Iron Wraith’s fate to a vote, felt like the right one. These guys were criminals. They weren’t all evil, but they did bad things.

If they threatened me or my people, then we’d have the means to defend ourselves. If they didn’t, then the choices they made would determine the road they were on, as well as the pitfalls along the way.

▪ Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” ― André Malraux

▪ She walks in beauty, like the night

Of cloudless climes and starry skies;

And all that's best of dark and bright

Meet in her aspect and her eyes...”

― Byron 

Grin and Beard It by Penny Reid (Notes)

◆ CHAPTER 1

▪ “Not all those who wander are lost.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

▪ Being funny is entirely dependent on timing. I’d learned early in my career to move on instead of repeating a joke, though I mourned those unheard jokes. They were the comedy equivalent of throwing seeds on rocks.

◆ CHAPTER 2

▪ “I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.”                  

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

▪ In my experience, there were three kinds of women: those that stripped at strip clubs, those that liked going to strip clubs, and those that disliked strip clubs. I understood all three perspectives and now I wondered which of the three she belonged to.

Damn if I didn’t hope it was the first one.

▪ Like recognizes like, and what I had on my hands here was a professional charmer.

◆ CHAPTER 3

▪ Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.”

― Mark Twain

▪ Hey, Good Lookin’” by Hank Williams.

◆ CHAPTER 4

▪ “I have lost friends, some by death . . . others by sheer inability to cross the street.”

― Virginia Woolf

▪ I’m just saying, more often than not, a man has his place and a woman has hers, everybody pulls their weight and no one minds it much. We all do our chores and help each other. So stop with the cosmopolitan, enlightened judgmental shit.”

▪ Well-meaning revenge slurs between friends were one thing, well-meaning ignorant slurs between strangers were quite another.

◆ CHAPTER 5

▪ “The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seemed filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.”

― Elizabeth Bishop, The Complete Poems

▪ Basic Instinct

◆ CHAPTER 6

▪ If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with.”

― L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

◆ CHAPTER 7

▪ Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”

▪ never date another actor, because one day you might have to work with him.

◆ CHAPTER 8

▪ Nothing on earth can make up for the loss of one who has loved you.”

― Selma Lagerlöf

◆ CHAPTER 9

▪ The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost.”

― G.K. Chesterton

◆ CHAPTER 10

▪ “It's so much darker when a light is lost than it would have been if it had never shone.”

―John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent

▪ My momma always told me that men, to a much greater degree than women, have difficulty dealing with derailed plans. She was right. And I was no exception.

◆ CHAPTER 11

▪ “The true paradises are the paradises that we have lost.”

― Marcel Proust

 

◆ CHAPTER 12

▪ Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember it.”

― L.M. Montgomery, The Story Girl

◆ CHAPTER 13

▪ “You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other.”

― Carl Sagan, Contact

▪ I would’ve been listening to one of my favorite podcasts, either Curious Handmade or The Renaissance Woodworker.

▪ no use buying a saddle for a horse that doesn’t want a cowboy.

▪ then, he’d often given me fatherly lectures. He was a man of few words, but the words he spoke were always worth listening to.

◆ CHAPTER 14

▪ Stephen kissed me in the spring,

Robin in the fall,

But Colin only looked at me

And never kissed at all.

 

Stephen’s kiss was lost in jest,

Robin’s lost in play,

But the kiss in Colin’s eyes

Haunts me night and day.”

― Sara Teasdale, The Collected Poems

▪ “I liked him, Susie. I liked him a lot. And it’s an intangible like. Everything was so natural and unforced between us. I slipped into it unconsciously because liking him was so effortless. Being around him was both easy and exciting.”

◆ CHAPTER 15

▪ Lost Time is never found again.”

― Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almana

◆ CHAPTER 16

▪ Your perspective on life and loss comes from the cage you were held captive in.”

― Shannon L. Alder

▪ I think we all need someone who sees the best in us.”

◆ CHAPTER 17

▪ “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.”

― Dalai Lama XIV

▪ Yet, until that moment, I’d never truly appreciated how audaciously he carried himself, as though assured of his place as master of the universe, presiding over the kingdom of I-don’t-give-a-fuck.

◆ CHAPTER 18

▪ “I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control.”

― Jane Austen, Emma

▪ See, we had a schedule. The schedule was sacred. If we didn’t adhere to the schedule, people were grumpy and chaos reigned. In truth, we only had three firm rules in the all-male Winston household:

One: Don’t eat someone else’s leftovers.

Two: Do your chores.

Three: Stick to the schedule.

◆ CHAPTER 19

▪ For there is nothing lost, that may be found, if sought.”

― Edmund Spenser, The Faerie Queene

▪ No, Sienna. That’s not it, either. Your fame doesn’t frighten me. Although, if I’m honest with myself, it was overwhelming when I saw it firsthand. The real issue is that I might be good at my job, but I’ll never be near as wildly successful at my job as you are with yours. And that’s fine by me. My ambitions aren’t career-oriented, they’re family-oriented. If I have wild success, and I hope I do, it’ll be as a husband and father, a brother and an uncle. It might not make a lot of sense to you, but I can’t start something, invest in someone, I know from the get-go is going to be temporary.”

◆ CHAPTER 20

▪ “If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.”

― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

▪ Apathy between family members makes the blood they share turn to water.’”

◆ CHAPTER 21

▪ Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”

― Rumi

◆ CHAPTER 22

▪ The greatest hazard of all, losing one’s self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all.”

― Søren Kierkegaard, The Sickness Unto Death

◆ CHAPTER 23

▪ I cannot conceive of a greater loss than the loss of one's self-respect.”

― Mahatma Gandhi, Fools, Martyrs, Traitors: The Story of Martyrdom in the Western World

▪ Jethro, labeling kids isn’t fair—it doesn’t matter if the label is good or bad. It puts them in a box and makes them feel like they have to live inside it.”

▪ Your family is so proud of you. Most people live up or down to the expectations set by their label. Very few people are able to transcend it.”

▪ It’s frustrating, as you say, having the history of the label. I see it in people, the way they look at me, what they expect. They expect dishonesty. They expect me to be a joke.”

I felt compelled to say, “People expect me to be a joke, too.”

Jethro gave me a soft, sympathetic smile. “You are more than the jokes you told when you were five, or eight, or thirteen.”

“And you are more than the mistakes of your youth. You are more than the label you’ve been assigned by people who might love you, but don’t really know who you are anymore.”

▪ “I suppose it’s part of why we seek out a partner. Why we’re driven to build a new family, pursue new friendships. There’s freedom in being a blank canvas to another person and having some control over what is painted on that canvas.”

◆ CHAPTER 24

▪ As long as I could hear his voice, I was quite lost, quite blind, quite outside my own self.”

― Anaïs Nin

▪ As a carpenter I know for a fact, if you want something to last, you have to build it to last. If we wanted to establish something lasting, we can’t build our foundation on just the physical.”

“You mean lust.”

I smirked at the disappointment in her tone. “Yeah, I guess I do. Even if we have enough lust between us to build a city.”

◆ CHAPTER 25

▪ Aging is not 'lost youth' but a new stage of opportunity and strength.”

― Betty Friedan

▪ Think of how much better the world would be if people craved compliments about the beauty of their heart rather than the beauty of their face.”

▪ a man’s place is in the kitchen

▪ When an opportunity presents itself, and you have a choice of either living life—risky as it might be—or continuing to do what’s expected . . .” Claire paused, waiting for me to meet her gaze, a knowing smile curving her lips.

She was quoting me, one of my favorite lines from my first film, Taco Tuesday.

I returned her grin and finished the quote, “You have to grab that regal centaur by the mane and ride it over the rainbow of opportunity.”

We finished together, “Or else it might mistake you for a unicorn and try to impregnate you.”

◆ CHAPTER 26

▪ In the middle of the journey of our life I found myself within a dark woods where the straight way was lost.”

― Dante Alighieri, Inferno

▪ Your children will resemble—in looks and temperament—your husband’s siblings and your siblings.”

▪ Jethro didn’t make me a coward. I made me a coward, more precisely, my feelings for him did. Every day, every moment we spent together, they grew bigger, and I grew quieter. I felt myself retreating, but didn’t know what to do about it. Saying nothing felt so much safer than admitting the truth and risk pushing him away. 

▪ It’s good for a man’s soul to be tortured in this way.

◆ CHAPTER 27

▪ No effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost.”

― Helen Keller

▪ Are you telling me you haven’t been—haven’t been . . . se avienta el mañanero because you require complete privacy?”

“What does that mean?”

“Literally translated, it’s throwing the morning one, you know—getting it on in the morning

◆ CHAPTER 28

▪ Things are sweeter when they're lost.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned

▪ you can achieve a lot more with humor and entertainment, reach more hearts and minds, than with the most thoughtful and well-researched letter to the editor. And because most of the words used to describe only women—not all, just most—are really rather negative or condescending. Like the term ‘working-mom.’ No one says ‘working-dad.’ Why do we do that? Don’t mothers have it hard enough?”

◆ CHAPTER 29

▪ Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”

― Kahlil Gibran

◆ CHAPTER 30

▪ “I am free, and that is why I am lost.”

― Franz Kafka

▪ I’m after a woman who likes sex but doesn’t put the lust part above the intelligence part. She could have a hundred partners for all I care, just as long as they’ve been vetted for psychopathic tendencies. I have four rules. Number one: don’t invite a person into your body if you wouldn’t invite her into your kitchen. Number two: the act needs to take place in a clean environment. Number three: precautions need to be taken to protect from disease and pregnancy. And Number four: don’t ration the passion, i.e. put your best fuck forward.”

▪ Here’s reality: People get hurt and they move on or they don’t. You can’t have it both ways. You either get to be famous, and deal with the hassle that comes with it, or you leave it all behind. Own your shit, Sienna. And let Jethro own his. And then get married and own that shit together.”

▪ My job meant that privacy was a luxury, but so what? Either I was going to live my life alone, avoid relationships, give in to the fear of hurting the people I cared about, or I was going to own my shit. 

◆ CHAPTER 31

▪ We have faith that there is purpose. We hope for things we can't see. We believe there are lessons in loss, power in love, and that we have within us the potential for a beauty so magnificent, our bodies can't contain it.”

― Amy Harmon, Making Faces

◆ CHAPTER 32

▪ When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser.”

― Socrates

▪ “It’s good to care, Sienna. It’s good to care about what others think, but only when those other people matter.”

She lifted her chin and gazed at me, her long lashes brushing against her cheeks as she blinked. “But how do you balance it? I mean, I care what my parents think because I love them and know they love me, and I trust their judgment. But, in the end, I always just do what I think is best.”

“Then that’s what you keep doing. I trust your heart and so should you.”

▪ You can’t ever be certain of another person, and that’s where faith comes in

◆ CHAPTER 33

▪ Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is.”

― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind

▪ “If you don’t fight for what you love, then you have nothing worth losing.”

▪ even worst-case repercussions are worth a lifetime of happiness and freedom

▪ Because, as Jethro had said, it’s good to care about what others think, but only when those other people matter.

◆ CHAPTER 34

▪ Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”

― Norman Cousins

▪ Just ’cause I’m good at making cake doesn’t mean I want to make it for the rest of my life, you know? Just ’cause you’re good at something doesn’t mean that’s what makes your heart happy. I sometimes feel like I’ve become the banana cake lady, and I’m only twenty-two. But that’s it. That’s who I am. My life is set, and there’s no escape. I’ll be ninety-nine years old, still making banana cakes at my momma’s bakery.”

◆ CHAPTER 35

▪ Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost.”

― Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

▪ Live and learn.”

▪ Our past would always be part of us, but it would never wholly define us, either together or as individuals. Each moment was a decision. We could either live up or down to people’s expectations, or blow them completely away. We had no control over what other people decided to think, but we did have control over our own actions, who we wanted to be, and how we lived our life.

◆ Extra Scene – Sometime Later . . .

▪ practical sort, short on words, big on actions. 

Trying out the Colourette Coloursnap Milk - Review

Trying out the Colourette Coloursnap Milk - Review

I've been hacking my mind on what brand I was using before for my blush. And so I was intrigued on trying out another kind of blush and found this through Tiktok - Colourette brand.

This brand is made from the Philippines and a lot are raving about this so I decided to give it a try. It has a 12 months expiration and this dewy multi-stain can be used as eyeshadow, blusher or lipstain.

I was keen on purchasing Hunny but I can't find any in Shopee. What I found instead was the Coloursnap Milk and this little thing is probably about 2 inches length and 1 inch in height. When I first saw this. I was thinking about it being dainty.

I was able to check it out at Shopee for only 193 pesos all in. The sale price costs at 174 pesos.  When I unboxed the parcel, the original price was actually 349 pesos.

I was thinking of only using it as a blush on. I believe it is not long lasting especially on the lips but when you wear it off, it gives out a dewy light rosy pink look which makes your cheeks looking naturally flushed which I definitely like. I think, I would try out a more pigmented type next time.

Tech hack: Got no Load? You can send a free text message online!

Due to the pandemic, the world was forced to adapt in using technology. Online shopping and delivery became a normal trend. And so internet usage became more prominent in our daily lives. The best thing about it is that communication among peers who are distant with each other location wise became accessible and easier.

If you are online and residing in the Philippines, typically you would resort to either Facebook Messenger or Viber when using voice mail or video call to reach someone. However, it is only applicable if you and the person you are communicating to have an access to internet. But what will you do if the message you're sending to have none?

I have known this technique way back when I was still at the university. Through the help of online resources, I was able to utilize free use of load and internet during college which was a very big help for me because at that time, we were not that financially capable and on the brink of losing our house. Anyway, I usually go to magtxt.com before but sadly the SMS text prompt in the website does not work. I found an alternative with afreesms and it works. It has a limit of 160 characters and you have to enter a CAPTCHA verification. Just don't forget to inform your recipient not to reply back. Hope it helps. The link is below.

Afreesms

Catch that dream with Dreamcatcher!

Catch that dream with Dreamcatcher!

Are you a fan of kpop and enjoyed anime osts too? I recently discovered how good Dreamcatcher songs are. I am familiar with the group name but didn't really paid much attention to them. As I was listening to the songs, they gave me that jpop rock feels. This made me think of my favorite artists Aya Ueto and Yui.

Dreamcatcher

Fly High

Boca

Scream

Goodnight

Piri

You and I

What

Odd Eye

Deja Vu

Chase Me

Winston Brother Series by Penny Reid - Family Tree, Spouse, Children

So now I'm glad that I'm back from a rut and began reading romance novels again. The Winston Brother Series by Penny Reid really caught my eye and I am beyond excited to finish it all. There are a lot of characters and I'm making this post in order to know whose spouse and children are in each member of the Winston brothers since I don't see any information in the internet. This is for reference. If you don't want any spoilers, please do not scroll down. However, if you're rearing to go and learn about them, feel free to know with the details below.

These are based on the earlier books but more information found in the Beard Necessities:

WINSTON FAMILY

Darrell Winston and Bethany Oliver 

• 4th child - Ashley Winston and Drew Runous - 
• Beauty and the Moustache (Knitting in the City 4) - 
• Children: Bethany, Zander (one week older than Marcus)
• 6th child - Part of Twins (actual child of Christine St. Claire w/ Darrell Winston) - Duanne Faulkner Winston and Jessica James - 
• Truth or Beard (Winston Brothers 1) - 
• Child: William Beauford (Liam)
• 1st child - Jethro Whitman Winston and Sienna Diaz - 
• Grin and Beard It (Winston Brothers 2) - 
• Children: 3 boys - Benjamin, Andy, and Pedro
• 3rd child - Cletus Byron Winston and Jennifer Anne Sylvester - 
• Beard Science (Winston Brothers 3) - 
• Children: Viola (6 years old), Linus; Dogs - Lea (deceased dog), Pavlov (aging dog)
• 5th child - Part of Twins (actual child of Christine St. Claire w/ Darrell Winston) - Beau (Beauford Fitzgerald) Winston and Shelly Sullivan - 
• (Winston Brothers 4)
• 7th child (youngest) - Roscoe Orwell Winston and Simone Payton 
• (Winston Brothers 5)
• 2nd born - Billy (William Shakespeare) and Scarlet St. Claire - 
• Beard With Me (Winston Brothers 6) - 
• Children: Twins - Beatrice & Dulcinea (10 years old), Marcus Cash (3rd), Trajan, Constantine, Tiberius Monroe (3 years old) 

Occupation

1. Jethro Whitman Winston: Former part of the Iron Order; Park Ranger; eldest

Sienna Diaz - 

2. Billy (William Shakespeare) Winston - Congressman

Scarlet St. Claire / Claire McClure - Singer/Songwriter; daughter of Christine St. Claire and Razor Dennings (boss of the Iron Order)

3. Cletus Byron Winston automechanic

Jennifer Sylvester baker Banana Cake Queen

4. Ashley Winston - Nurse; only daughter in the Winston Family

Drew Runous 

5. Beau (Beauford Fitzgerald) Winston

Shelly Sullivan

6. Duanne Faulkner Winston - Business Owner, owns a Mechanic shop w/ Cletus and Beau

Jessica James - Math Teacher; daughter of Sheriff James and Mrs. James, turned out to be adopted, biological mother is her aunt Louisa) - Jackson James (brother)

7. Roscoe Winston - Youngest

Simone Payton