Personal thoughts

Personal thoughts

Since I don't have anyone who is willing to listen to me, I'll just lay out my thoughts and feelings here if you don't mind. Feel free to skip this post if you think that this is toxic for you to listen to.

----------------------------------

I get it that sometimes I tend to reminisce the difficult situations that I were in before. I just wanted to be heard and rant sometimes. I mean who doesn't? I think that aside from feeling good (though it may mean to some that it is negativity), speaking about it for me means you are also processing these emotions so you can eventually let it all out and heal. It would only be bad when you continue to wallow in these destructive emotions. And I am deeply triggered and angered whenever my mother would try to invalidate what I'm feeling when I'm trying to say something. Dismiss it that it was all in the past and I needed to moved on.

When I listen, I really listen. I guess it was foolish of me to set up expectations with people that they will also do that for me even what I call family. I'm so tired and each day I'm getting disappointed, while they cast me aside for something better. I guess, that's what people are. Selfish to the core. 

Or maybe it could be me. Maybe I am the problem for being such a  doormat. And I think that from childhood to teenage years, I was gaslighted and manipulated to be a people pleaser. And I really grieve for that lost childhood/teenage years where I didn't do what I want to do. But this time, it will change. I am more motivated than ever to fight for what I want without feeling the guilt and I am not anymore subjecting myself to holding on for whatever that I wanted to do even it is family. I would focus now on what will be the most beneficial to me. I won't anymore give my time or support freely because people tend to take advantage of that. When you needed it the most, no one seems to be there.

Be scarce self. Don't be too available for people who'll just toss you aside easily the moment they meet someone more interesting. You are too tired and it leaves a metallic bitter taste afterwards.

I refuse to be a mentally punching bag. I will prioritize myself first before others and they will not matter not until I'm already settled or five steps ahead. I will not easily feed useful information for they always take credit for it. And the worse about it is that, they would realize that.

I deserve to be treated with respect and if you cannot give that basic courtesy, I will also deflect that same energy to you. I am bright and smart enough to discern and even anticipate events. I can foretell and foresee things, it's just that I  will further enhance that skill in order to